Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - September 30, 2011

Greetings, salutations, shalom, and good day to you! I see you have picked up a copy of the Lethbridge Journal! How do you like it so far? At the time of this writing it is too early to tell if they have accepted my suggestion of nude models to attract a more diverse audience, but if they have and you were drawn to the Journal because of the various naked people please let us know. They don’t think it’ll work.

They call me the Twitter Guy, and I will be your guide to what’s happening in the world around you, from our Mayor’s mad guitar skillz to Angela Merkel’s striking resemblance to a pit bull. And, if you can’t get enough of our take on the news here, follow me on Twitter @Leth_Local_News for frequent updates on the stupid things people do. Enjoy!

In local news, a hooligan faces charges following a one-man crime spree during which he assaulted two women, stole two vehicles, committed theft over $5000, and spooked livestock. When appearing before a judge he explained he ‘needed help’ and must now undergo a psychological evaluation to see if he is fit to stand trial. “Even the defendant admits only a crazy person would do what he did,” said the Judge, “We’d better make sure this time.”

In sports, the return of goaltender Brandon Anderson to Lethbridge from the Washington Capitals camp leaves the Hurricanes with three goalies. Head Coach Rich Preston has high hopes for the new ‘triple threat’, saying “That leaves me with two players to get my beer and mini donuts”. Preston gave no indication on whether or not the team would focus on letting fewer goals in this season

In national news, the Harper Conservatives have come under fire for recent bouts of spend-happiness in a time of austerity. A top general was caught using public funds to take private jets on personal business, defending himself saying “Have you ever flown coach? I always get stuck next to some creepy guy who smells like peanut butter and sadness”. The Conservatives also took flak for reintroducing an expensive ‘Omnibus bill’ on crime, which is expected to making sweeping changes to Canadian justice from increased penalties for shenaniganism to mandatory minimum sentences for conspiracy to enjoy drugs. And finally, the Conservatives took another hit over the hiring of a $90,000/day consulting firm to advise them on trimming the fat from the budget. Finance Minister Jim Flaherty told the press next on the list was “A $90,000/day consulting firm to advise us on making less ironic decisions”.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Steer clear of 23^rd Street on Sunday. Seriously, just… just don’t go down 23^rd. I’m not joking. Just don’t.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You will make awkward eye contact with a cop while waiting for a light, only to realize you’re holding your cell phone and eating a cheeseburger. A financial transaction will not benefit you today.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

A wedding you were planning to attend will be cancelled when the groom discovers his wife-to-be is a man, intervene and patch things up between them so your nice outfit doesn’t go to waste.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Venus is in Libra, which means it’s time to dust off your Spice Girls CDs and pretend it’s still socially acceptable for somebody your age to use a hairbrush for a microphone. Don’t accept any offers of candy from men in white vans next week; they only have Licorice Allsorts and Butterscotches from 1983.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

A horoscope will give you some bad romantic advice this week; tell your significant other what you really think of their irritating little habits, honesty always makes a relationship stronger. Mercury is not in retrograde, and be thankful because if it was there’d be no scientific basis for it.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

If you don’t go to the bathroom before you leave your house you’re not going to get another chance- I’m serious, you do this every time. The stars told me so.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Going to work drunk will endear you to your coworkers and make you attractive to members of the opposite gender. Just pick a mild liquor or your whiskey breath could stop you from sealing the deal.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

An attempt to demonstrate your Moves Like Jagger will end in the ER. Take advantage of the time off work to discover your passion for online poker.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Don’t forget an important day coming up or you’ll have to buy a doghouse just to sleep in it, and brother they ain’t comfortable.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

An episode of Nancy Grace will provide that epiphany you’ve been looking for. Act quickly on your intuition this week to succeed, or don’t- it’s your choice.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You will receive a promising email from a Nigerian Prince who really needs your help, but you should back off because I heard from him first so the money is mine!

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

It’s time to take a stand for consumer rights! If you ask for Coke and they only have Pepsi, report them to the Better Business Bureau for being anti-competitive. Your lucky number is 317.

Birthday Baby

In 20 years you will find this horoscope in your parents’ cellar and laugh at how great life was before the aliens invaded and enslaved us all.

A Few Thoughts On 9/11

“And the sky is filled with light, can you see it? All the black is really white, if you believe it. As our time is running out, let me take away your doubt- we can find a better place in this twilight.”

                Nine Inch Nails, ‘In This Twilight’ (Year Zero, 2007)

I spent a lot of time trying to write something worthy of calling itself a ‘9/11 tribute piece’, but I couldn’t. In the ten years since it happened, it has reached a hand into every life and sent entire cultures in wildly different directions than they were headed. Almost everybody you talk to who was alive when it happened can tell you where they were when they first heard, and if you ask they’ll probably admit to crying as the towers started to buckle and give way. I can still tell you what we had for dinner that night at my house while we watched a desperate America try to make some sense- any sense- out of what they were witnessing. I was ten years old at the time, and it felt like we had crossed into a new era. Not immediately for my day to day life perhaps, but slowly the shockwaves from the attacks would seep into every aspect of western civilization.

I believe that the fastest and most effective way to check the temperature of any culture at any point in time is to find the stand-up comedians and listen to what they are saying. The root of any successful joke is the inherent contradiction between the question and the answer. For example, look at the single most common joke on the planet: Why did the chicken cross the road? The person asking wouldn’t ask unless the answer was something specific and surprising, but the answer (and thus, the joke) is that the chicken crossed the road merely to get to the other side. The audience is surprised by the mundane nature of the answer because they expected something else, so they laugh. On a higher level, topical comedians do much the same thing by pointing out the contrast between the world as it is and the world as it should be. Why am I telling you this? Because the most popular reason for the enormous gap between the world we live in now and the world as it could be is the same one that frustrates us in our daily lives- as a species, humanity has become completely devoid of common sense.

Comedian Lewis Black noted on his album ‘The End of the Universe’ that on September 12, 2001 the FAA released a list of items that were no longer to be sold in airports. Top of the list? Knives. Before 9/11, it was possible to purchase a knife at an airport and take it with you on the plane. That doesn’t seem like common sense. Clear Channel Communications released a list following the attacks of some 165 songs that they suggested had ‘questionable lyrics’, and recommended their radio stations avoided playing them. ‘What A Wonderful World’ by Louis Armstrong, ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins, and ‘Rocket Man’ by Elton John share a spot on the list next to songs like ‘Bodies’ by Drowning Pool and ‘Break Stuff’ by Limp Bizkit. Read the list and tell me your eye doesn’t start twitching, there’s about three songs on it that make any sense.

We now live in an era where an entire political party would rather their government fail to pay its bills than tax the wealthy. We live in an era where gays serving openly in a military setting is considered a problem to be tackled with equal fervor given to bills dealing with organized crime and rape- sometimes more. This is an era where heroes must wait ten years to truly have any recognition or closure but Snooki will never want for money again. This is an era where the elderly will be forced into searches so violent it will dislodge their catheter and they will be made to endure their flight soaked in urine, and a pregnant mother will have her insulin taken from her for fear it may be a bomb. These are not the actions of a sane society. We must not condone this!

So if we have learned anything ten years on from 9/11 it is that we must be calm and level-headed. We must accept that we are fighting wars against invisible enemies, but that does not mean we must treat our own people like sheep and criminals. We must not wait until appointed days to celebrate the truly heroic among us, nor to mourn those lost in acts of senseless violence. We must show that we as a people can stand up, act in unity for our own betterment, and demand transparency and honesty from the people we choose to lead us. We must be afraid for our safety, but confident in our security. We must ask ourselves with every decision- does this make sense? Because if we continue to chase our tails over extremely important issues, my generation may grow up in the final era before we genuinely lose control of our minds. And I don’t know about you, but I’m already meeting the children that will make up the next generation after mine and I think that every single one of them deserves to see what they can make of the world. If we don’t start using our common sense, they won’t grow up in a world worth making anything of.