Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 23, 2011

Ho ho ho!

May your Christmas be Merry, your Hanukkah be Happy, and your Kwanzaa be Joyous! At least until the good people from Visa and Mastercard send guys to your house to break your kneecaps because you haven’t paid up in seven or eight months, you deadbeat.

Top American Defense Officials are warning Santa to steer clear this Christmas, wary that his apparent disregard for international boundaries could leave the US open to attack. “Who is this so-called ‘Santa Claus’?” asked one such official, “He’s not an American national, he doesn’t have a passport, and to my knowledge he has never allowed federal inspectors to check his cargo for threats of any kind.” Several Senators have proposed ‘Santa’s Law’, which would force the holiday icon to comply with a growing list of violations or risk retaliation from US fighter jets when he crosses illegally into the country. “How much cocaine do you think he can fit into that enormous sleigh of his?” said the official, “How many immigrants? How many nuclear or chemical weapons? Our message to Santa must be clear: If you have nothing to hide, we will be more than happy to work with you.”

Experts say that retailers are becoming desperate as they march towards a slightly-less profitable Christmas than originally anticipated. Smaller outlets have been hit the hardest so far, with cash-strapped Canadians looking to keep spending in check amidst international financial woe. “People are taking a hard look at their debt load and saying ‘Does my 6-year old really need a new iPad?’” says Shopaholic Institute’s director Stockard Shelves, “Well of course they do! The old one isn’t as shiny anymore! But Canadians are opting to save money instead of using it to buy stuff.” This Buy-Hard attitude, says Shelves, is hurting bottom lines. “An executive that didn’t post growth over last year is a failure, plain and simple- in business there is only one goal, and that goal is progress. How can they face their family, knowing they let their business slip 5% over Christmas in the face of economic uncertainty and international turmoil?” One executive spoke to us on the condition of anonymity: “I don’t understand,” he said, “We used all the advertising words we were supposed to, like Family and Togetherness, but we’re only on track to make a couple million this quarter! It’s a bloodbath in the markets right now.”

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You won’t get what you want for Christmas, because you asked for a Jetpack and Santa’s R&D haven’t managed to design one that doesn’t horribly burn everyone within the “Xtra-Crispy Radius”. There’s always next year!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

2012 is (allegedly) the final year on Earth for mankind, and there’s still so much you haven’t done. Take a trip to somewhere exotic, meet lots of new people, get tangled up in a hostage situation between the corrupt military junta and cash-strapped drug lords!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

If we don’t get a white Christmas this year, cover your front yard with shaved coconut. Be sure to clean it all up on Boxing Day though because if you don’t… well, that’s how you get ants. I don’t mean those little ants either, think ‘Rhinoceros with more legs and an attitude’.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Invest a little time in finding out what everybody is planning to do for Secret Santa at work to make sure you don’t accidentally go cheap- it might also help to find out who you’re supposed to buy the gift for too. Giving your recovering-alcoholic boss a bottle of Crown Royal right before inventory is why you posted quarterly losses for two years.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Acceptable Behavior at your Christmas Party: Having some drinks, dancing on top of a table, making out with your significant other in the bathroom.

Unacceptable Behavior: Having all the drinks, dancing on top of the DJ, making out with your supervisor’s significant other during dinner.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Freak out somebody who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus and slip something from the jolly old fat guy under their tree. Bonus points for picking a gift that is either exactly what they wanted or wildly off the mark.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Pack riot gear for Boxing Day, Canada is playing Finland in the World Junior Hockey Championship at 1:30pm and if we learned anything from Vancouver it’s that nobody loots better than agitated Canadians.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

On your way home from shopping on Boxing Day, dig those 3D glasses out of your new TV and yell “IT’S LIKE THEY’RE COMING RIGHT AT ME” while driving through oncoming traffic. The police will be so amused they’ll only use excessive force when they apprehend you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Giving the religious person in your life a Christmas present from “Satan” instead of “Santa” would seem like a humorous gesture, until they jump you with an enormous Bible and try to beat the demons out of your forehead. I know what you’re thinking, and no, that cross imprint isn’t going to come off for a bit.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

After what you did, I don’t think you deserve a Christmas. Go to your room.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Next time you decide to give a live animal as a gift, remember what you learned: A) Always consult the parents who will end up taking care of it first, and B) Cut air holes, ALWAYS CUT AIR HOLES.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You may think you’ve crossed everybody off your shopping list, but check it twice. Forgot your mom for the second year in a row, didn’t you? THAT’S RIGHT. You’re welcome.

Birthday Baby

Get used to this: “Boy, being born so close to Christmas must suck! Do you only get one set of presents?”

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 9, 2011

There is nothing wrong with your television set, do not attempt to adjust the picture- WE are controlling transmission.

As I write this, I am attempting to keep my internal organs from completely gooifying and I can’t even keep water down. I apologize if this takes a turn at Stafford and Bananas when the medicine kicks in and I forget who I am for two hours. Turns out the stomach flu isn’t covered by the ‘Flu’ shot. GASTROENTERITIS, my one weakness!

A Catholic School in southern Ottawa has drawn the ire of students with a new policy that would suspend girls caught wearing yoga pants such as Lululemons without a ‘long shirt’. Girls at the school protested the move, saying “How else are we supposed to, like, let boys examine every single inch of our butts to determine who is the hottest?” The school has imposed its modest will upon the students’ wardrobe before, banning jeans both skinny and ripped, as well as leggings. “I’m running out of things to show off my goods,” said one girl, “I don’t think the bible says anything about tight, curvy pants that look great unless a fat girl wears them, which they should like totally ban!” When asked if any of them used their pants as part of actual yoga, the girls replied “Why would we wear specific pants just to eat Yogurt?”

The famous Lethbridge wind, second most insanely irritating wind behind Chicago, stirred up trouble recently when a number of small blazes quickly spiraled out of control and threatened to engulf all of Southern Alberta. Firefighters fought valiantly to control the fires and succeeded despite Mother Nature’s best efforts to muck the whole situation up. Fire Chief Brian Cornforth chided social media such as Twitter and Facebook for “spreading misinformation” and hashtagged his tweets with #dirtbags for the remainder of the week.

Police are warning residents to beware that a Grinch has been spotted just west of Red Deer, and they are advising everyone to keep their Christmas safely inside and to barricade all doors and entryways. Police spokesperson Christian Kringle explains: “Grinches are known to have hearts between two and five sizes too small, and leave their burrows only near the holidays to steal Christmas from innocent Whos.” The only Grinch ever caught was found in Laredo, Texas following a shoot-out with David M. Cooper and his four sons. Cooper believes they were successful because they “Caught the bugger while he was talking to Cindy Lou Who of the Dallas Whos and he didn’t hear [them] coming”

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You will be flipping through channels and get stuck on The Food Network for seven hours. It’s going to take a lot of willpower to avoid the nigh-inevitable weight gain that hits everybody immediately after they discover how good food can be.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

There is a high chance that you will forget to watch the decimal and tip your server $125 on a $65 bill, you nearly-cheap-but-now-broke crazy person. Karma will reward you when your server ‘accidentally’ brings you several plates of food next time you’re there.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Going cheap on your Christmas presents now will only hurt you later on. People have long memories and many of them have access to flesh-eating piranhas.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Save yourself the denial and just admit that no matter how much you protest, your mother is going to talk you into giving her pet a present from “Santa Paws”. Families are weird.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

As long as you clear it with Canada Post, nobody is going to object when you use your garden hose to create a massive slip-and-slide out of ice on your front steps. Who said going to work in the morning had to be boring?

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You will continue the ancient family tradition of spiking the eggnog and getting Grandma good and sauced on Christmas Eve. You might get lots of hugs, or she may cut you a bigger check because of your good cheer- you can’t lose!

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You will be struck down by the most vicious cold known to mankind. To keep up at work you’re either going to have to master telepathy or buy a sealed Bubble and roll to the office.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Stress at home will lead to an altercation with your best friend when he tells you that he thinks Joey is the best Friend. Don’t hit him, everybody else knows the best Friend is Chandler and your friend is just misguided.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Winter tires are for people who need traction. You don’t know it, but you’re one of those people, and the insurance company is going to spend a lot of time explaining that to you in short order.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

As a Capricorn, your first instinct will be to grab the attention of everyone in the room. Telling the story about the time you and the groom both tried to pick up the bride at the bar after they were already engaged will not go over as well with everyone as you think.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Your significant other will forget about your anniversary because they got distracted by the Food Network, but the improved dinners they serve will probably soften the sting a little. Embrace change! No matter who you are, you’re going to get bigger boobs from this.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

The second you buy your new phone, a new one will come out and make your $750 beauty look like common garbage. This has been the way of the world since the dawn of time, and it will be until Rodeo Clowns take over the universe and replace cell phones with some sort of tin can/string ensemble.

Birthday Baby

Your parents listened to metal music during pregnancy, and thanks to them you will have luxurious headbanging hair as well as a talent for excessively crazy guitar solos.

iBortion

Abortion is a big, messy topic and I absolutely intend to write a very detailed discussion about it someday, but for now let's talk about something 'Abortion-related'.

As you may or may not have heard, the flagship feature of Apple's new iPhone 4S "Siri" is a really fucking awesome piece of machine wizardry that you can use to do pretty much anything- including fight with your spouse (NSFW).

Part of the fun of Siri has become asking her obtuse, weird, mean-spirited, or dirty questions to see what she says back- the programmers at Apple (Well, the programmers at Siri) are obviously well aware that humans are almost universally filthy-minded pricks whose first response to any new system or situation is to test what it can and can't do.

Well it turns out that Siri is having trouble providing details on nearby abortion clinics but occasionally directs people to Anti-Choice clinics, and Pro-Choice groups have immediately started blasting Apple as forcing Pro-Life views on users.

NO. That is FUCKING STUPID.

Let's consider for a second how much Siri is capable of. She can find you Sushi restaurants, understands when you speak to her colloquially, can find your friends, and even more. She has access to essentially unlimited information, and as long as her information is good she'll never steer you wrong. However, just like GPS devices, it's simply not possible to keep a system 100% up-to-date with everything everywhere at all times and sometimes things slip through- My girlfriend is fond of telling a story where, on our way back from Calgary in her Dad's van I began yelling at the Nav for demanding I make a left turn where every sign at the intersection was clear making a left would cause certain death. Also, I'm always hearing stories about people who follow their GPS right ON TO RAILROAD TRACKS. Nice.

Additionally, as a statement of fact, Anti-Abortionists tend to have more aggressive PR and they take advantage of every available avenue of advertising. This means that when Siri can't find any information on clinics where you can stop by for a quick Abortion on your Pro-Choice Rewards card, she likely broadens the search for 'clinic' and 'abortion' in a general sense and provides you with whatever turns up; in this case, the clinics that shout from the rooftops about how great at they are at not giving abortions. She is incapable of considering context, and Occam's Razor (to me) suggests that it's more likely somebody didn't consider this scenario while they were building her than Apple wants you to breed more iBabies for them to sell phones to.


So what did we learn? That a massive super-intelligence programmed by humans might not be completely perfect. IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME KIND OF PRECEDENT FOR THAT *COUGH* SKYNET *COUGH*