Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 23, 2011

Ho ho ho!

May your Christmas be Merry, your Hanukkah be Happy, and your Kwanzaa be Joyous! At least until the good people from Visa and Mastercard send guys to your house to break your kneecaps because you haven’t paid up in seven or eight months, you deadbeat.

Top American Defense Officials are warning Santa to steer clear this Christmas, wary that his apparent disregard for international boundaries could leave the US open to attack. “Who is this so-called ‘Santa Claus’?” asked one such official, “He’s not an American national, he doesn’t have a passport, and to my knowledge he has never allowed federal inspectors to check his cargo for threats of any kind.” Several Senators have proposed ‘Santa’s Law’, which would force the holiday icon to comply with a growing list of violations or risk retaliation from US fighter jets when he crosses illegally into the country. “How much cocaine do you think he can fit into that enormous sleigh of his?” said the official, “How many immigrants? How many nuclear or chemical weapons? Our message to Santa must be clear: If you have nothing to hide, we will be more than happy to work with you.”

Experts say that retailers are becoming desperate as they march towards a slightly-less profitable Christmas than originally anticipated. Smaller outlets have been hit the hardest so far, with cash-strapped Canadians looking to keep spending in check amidst international financial woe. “People are taking a hard look at their debt load and saying ‘Does my 6-year old really need a new iPad?’” says Shopaholic Institute’s director Stockard Shelves, “Well of course they do! The old one isn’t as shiny anymore! But Canadians are opting to save money instead of using it to buy stuff.” This Buy-Hard attitude, says Shelves, is hurting bottom lines. “An executive that didn’t post growth over last year is a failure, plain and simple- in business there is only one goal, and that goal is progress. How can they face their family, knowing they let their business slip 5% over Christmas in the face of economic uncertainty and international turmoil?” One executive spoke to us on the condition of anonymity: “I don’t understand,” he said, “We used all the advertising words we were supposed to, like Family and Togetherness, but we’re only on track to make a couple million this quarter! It’s a bloodbath in the markets right now.”

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You won’t get what you want for Christmas, because you asked for a Jetpack and Santa’s R&D haven’t managed to design one that doesn’t horribly burn everyone within the “Xtra-Crispy Radius”. There’s always next year!

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

2012 is (allegedly) the final year on Earth for mankind, and there’s still so much you haven’t done. Take a trip to somewhere exotic, meet lots of new people, get tangled up in a hostage situation between the corrupt military junta and cash-strapped drug lords!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

If we don’t get a white Christmas this year, cover your front yard with shaved coconut. Be sure to clean it all up on Boxing Day though because if you don’t… well, that’s how you get ants. I don’t mean those little ants either, think ‘Rhinoceros with more legs and an attitude’.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Invest a little time in finding out what everybody is planning to do for Secret Santa at work to make sure you don’t accidentally go cheap- it might also help to find out who you’re supposed to buy the gift for too. Giving your recovering-alcoholic boss a bottle of Crown Royal right before inventory is why you posted quarterly losses for two years.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Acceptable Behavior at your Christmas Party: Having some drinks, dancing on top of a table, making out with your significant other in the bathroom.

Unacceptable Behavior: Having all the drinks, dancing on top of the DJ, making out with your supervisor’s significant other during dinner.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Freak out somebody who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus and slip something from the jolly old fat guy under their tree. Bonus points for picking a gift that is either exactly what they wanted or wildly off the mark.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Pack riot gear for Boxing Day, Canada is playing Finland in the World Junior Hockey Championship at 1:30pm and if we learned anything from Vancouver it’s that nobody loots better than agitated Canadians.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

On your way home from shopping on Boxing Day, dig those 3D glasses out of your new TV and yell “IT’S LIKE THEY’RE COMING RIGHT AT ME” while driving through oncoming traffic. The police will be so amused they’ll only use excessive force when they apprehend you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Giving the religious person in your life a Christmas present from “Satan” instead of “Santa” would seem like a humorous gesture, until they jump you with an enormous Bible and try to beat the demons out of your forehead. I know what you’re thinking, and no, that cross imprint isn’t going to come off for a bit.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

After what you did, I don’t think you deserve a Christmas. Go to your room.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Next time you decide to give a live animal as a gift, remember what you learned: A) Always consult the parents who will end up taking care of it first, and B) Cut air holes, ALWAYS CUT AIR HOLES.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You may think you’ve crossed everybody off your shopping list, but check it twice. Forgot your mom for the second year in a row, didn’t you? THAT’S RIGHT. You’re welcome.

Birthday Baby

Get used to this: “Boy, being born so close to Christmas must suck! Do you only get one set of presents?”

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 9, 2011

There is nothing wrong with your television set, do not attempt to adjust the picture- WE are controlling transmission.

As I write this, I am attempting to keep my internal organs from completely gooifying and I can’t even keep water down. I apologize if this takes a turn at Stafford and Bananas when the medicine kicks in and I forget who I am for two hours. Turns out the stomach flu isn’t covered by the ‘Flu’ shot. GASTROENTERITIS, my one weakness!

A Catholic School in southern Ottawa has drawn the ire of students with a new policy that would suspend girls caught wearing yoga pants such as Lululemons without a ‘long shirt’. Girls at the school protested the move, saying “How else are we supposed to, like, let boys examine every single inch of our butts to determine who is the hottest?” The school has imposed its modest will upon the students’ wardrobe before, banning jeans both skinny and ripped, as well as leggings. “I’m running out of things to show off my goods,” said one girl, “I don’t think the bible says anything about tight, curvy pants that look great unless a fat girl wears them, which they should like totally ban!” When asked if any of them used their pants as part of actual yoga, the girls replied “Why would we wear specific pants just to eat Yogurt?”

The famous Lethbridge wind, second most insanely irritating wind behind Chicago, stirred up trouble recently when a number of small blazes quickly spiraled out of control and threatened to engulf all of Southern Alberta. Firefighters fought valiantly to control the fires and succeeded despite Mother Nature’s best efforts to muck the whole situation up. Fire Chief Brian Cornforth chided social media such as Twitter and Facebook for “spreading misinformation” and hashtagged his tweets with #dirtbags for the remainder of the week.

Police are warning residents to beware that a Grinch has been spotted just west of Red Deer, and they are advising everyone to keep their Christmas safely inside and to barricade all doors and entryways. Police spokesperson Christian Kringle explains: “Grinches are known to have hearts between two and five sizes too small, and leave their burrows only near the holidays to steal Christmas from innocent Whos.” The only Grinch ever caught was found in Laredo, Texas following a shoot-out with David M. Cooper and his four sons. Cooper believes they were successful because they “Caught the bugger while he was talking to Cindy Lou Who of the Dallas Whos and he didn’t hear [them] coming”

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You will be flipping through channels and get stuck on The Food Network for seven hours. It’s going to take a lot of willpower to avoid the nigh-inevitable weight gain that hits everybody immediately after they discover how good food can be.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

There is a high chance that you will forget to watch the decimal and tip your server $125 on a $65 bill, you nearly-cheap-but-now-broke crazy person. Karma will reward you when your server ‘accidentally’ brings you several plates of food next time you’re there.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Going cheap on your Christmas presents now will only hurt you later on. People have long memories and many of them have access to flesh-eating piranhas.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Save yourself the denial and just admit that no matter how much you protest, your mother is going to talk you into giving her pet a present from “Santa Paws”. Families are weird.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

As long as you clear it with Canada Post, nobody is going to object when you use your garden hose to create a massive slip-and-slide out of ice on your front steps. Who said going to work in the morning had to be boring?

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You will continue the ancient family tradition of spiking the eggnog and getting Grandma good and sauced on Christmas Eve. You might get lots of hugs, or she may cut you a bigger check because of your good cheer- you can’t lose!

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You will be struck down by the most vicious cold known to mankind. To keep up at work you’re either going to have to master telepathy or buy a sealed Bubble and roll to the office.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Stress at home will lead to an altercation with your best friend when he tells you that he thinks Joey is the best Friend. Don’t hit him, everybody else knows the best Friend is Chandler and your friend is just misguided.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Winter tires are for people who need traction. You don’t know it, but you’re one of those people, and the insurance company is going to spend a lot of time explaining that to you in short order.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

As a Capricorn, your first instinct will be to grab the attention of everyone in the room. Telling the story about the time you and the groom both tried to pick up the bride at the bar after they were already engaged will not go over as well with everyone as you think.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Your significant other will forget about your anniversary because they got distracted by the Food Network, but the improved dinners they serve will probably soften the sting a little. Embrace change! No matter who you are, you’re going to get bigger boobs from this.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

The second you buy your new phone, a new one will come out and make your $750 beauty look like common garbage. This has been the way of the world since the dawn of time, and it will be until Rodeo Clowns take over the universe and replace cell phones with some sort of tin can/string ensemble.

Birthday Baby

Your parents listened to metal music during pregnancy, and thanks to them you will have luxurious headbanging hair as well as a talent for excessively crazy guitar solos.

iBortion

Abortion is a big, messy topic and I absolutely intend to write a very detailed discussion about it someday, but for now let's talk about something 'Abortion-related'.

As you may or may not have heard, the flagship feature of Apple's new iPhone 4S "Siri" is a really fucking awesome piece of machine wizardry that you can use to do pretty much anything- including fight with your spouse (NSFW).

Part of the fun of Siri has become asking her obtuse, weird, mean-spirited, or dirty questions to see what she says back- the programmers at Apple (Well, the programmers at Siri) are obviously well aware that humans are almost universally filthy-minded pricks whose first response to any new system or situation is to test what it can and can't do.

Well it turns out that Siri is having trouble providing details on nearby abortion clinics but occasionally directs people to Anti-Choice clinics, and Pro-Choice groups have immediately started blasting Apple as forcing Pro-Life views on users.

NO. That is FUCKING STUPID.

Let's consider for a second how much Siri is capable of. She can find you Sushi restaurants, understands when you speak to her colloquially, can find your friends, and even more. She has access to essentially unlimited information, and as long as her information is good she'll never steer you wrong. However, just like GPS devices, it's simply not possible to keep a system 100% up-to-date with everything everywhere at all times and sometimes things slip through- My girlfriend is fond of telling a story where, on our way back from Calgary in her Dad's van I began yelling at the Nav for demanding I make a left turn where every sign at the intersection was clear making a left would cause certain death. Also, I'm always hearing stories about people who follow their GPS right ON TO RAILROAD TRACKS. Nice.

Additionally, as a statement of fact, Anti-Abortionists tend to have more aggressive PR and they take advantage of every available avenue of advertising. This means that when Siri can't find any information on clinics where you can stop by for a quick Abortion on your Pro-Choice Rewards card, she likely broadens the search for 'clinic' and 'abortion' in a general sense and provides you with whatever turns up; in this case, the clinics that shout from the rooftops about how great at they are at not giving abortions. She is incapable of considering context, and Occam's Razor (to me) suggests that it's more likely somebody didn't consider this scenario while they were building her than Apple wants you to breed more iBabies for them to sell phones to.


So what did we learn? That a massive super-intelligence programmed by humans might not be completely perfect. IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME KIND OF PRECEDENT FOR THAT *COUGH* SKYNET *COUGH*

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - November 25, 2011

This Space For Rent!

I recently read online that celebrities can be paid as much as $10,000 per Tweet to endorse a product or service. Since being a working stiff has not yet afforded me the vast financial freedom available to the beautiful and talented, I’m going to leverage my minor celebrity and sell out. I mean it, I’m selling out hard! Without further ado allow me to formally re-introduce you to “Reeves College and Bell Prostate Ezee Flow Tea #4a Present: Twitter Guy!” Closed captioning is provided by Honkers Pub & Grill, and the support of Readers like you.

Dr. Pepper Presents: Occupy Your Tastebuds

City officials tired of dealing with smelly hobos and angry protesters have begun to respond to the Occupy movement with increasing force across North America, using tactics that have ranged from handing out eviction notices and tickets to tear gas and mass arrests. Conspiracy theorists believe this is because Politicians have come under pressure from their wealthy campaign contributors who are uncomfortable with the media attention.  Said one Billionaire, “I had to make a lot of calls to get those stupid hippies gassed. I’m sick and tired of turning on the news and hearing about how evil I am for being rich. I earned my fortune selling toxic mortgages and complex derivatives to innocent morons just like everyone else; I think I deserve to own a suit jacket worth more than your net assets! We had to work really hard to stack the odds against the hard-working middle class, you know, it didn’t just HAPPEN.”

The Lucky Shot Gun Company Presents: Shoot To Thrill

An Idaho man has been charged with attempted assassination after he fired nine shots at the White House in an effort to kill US President Barack Obama, who he believed to be the Antichrist. The man apparently also believed that he was Jesus and that Obama planned to place GPS chips in children to make his Satanic takeover easier to manage. Jesus misgauged the reach of his wily opponent, as the Antichrist and his wife were not in the White House at the time of the attack and only a single window was cracked by gunfire. Additional reports have indicated the window may have instead been damaged by a group of teenagers playing baseball nearby who were arrested trying to retrieve their ball from the grounds that same day and were also charged with attempted assassination.

The Internet Presents: Usage-Based Bologna

Warning! Reading this piece will exceed your monthly Word Count Allowance in accordance with your selection of the Lethbridge Journal $35/Month Basic Package of 600 Words. You will be charged $0.25 in overages for each character you use over your current plan. For more information, please go bother somebody else.

The CRTC has recently released its ruling regarding Usage-Based Billing for Internet Service Providers in a controversial move designed to please everyone that has pleased absolutely nobody. Under the new ruling the large telecom companies would not be allowed to charge their wholesale customers per kilobyte sent using their network, instead allowing them to charge either a flat rate or a CRTC-determined rate based on capacity. While the decision is a step in the right direction according to Internet Guru Dr. Jack Torrents, the end result is the same: higher costs for users. A press release from one of the major ISPs following the announcement was clear: “While we are disappointed that the CRTC has rejected our proposals, we are already hard at work to take advantage of the new system. We firmly believe that our customers deserve less efficient service at much higher prices and we will do our best to deliver that promise to them.”

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Keep your temper in check this week to get ahead, your tendency to be hot-headed and impulsive may land you in Portugal with only a 9mm pistol and a photo of the man you’re there to assassinate. Be sure to visit the sights before you leave, because your payment is in an unmarked brown bag located near the Torre de Belem.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

It feels like lately everybody you know has been going out of their way to try something new, but if your friends were on a cliff you wouldn’t push them off would you? Just make sure you do all the appropriate research before you make a commitment to any more cults or cell phone companies.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You are experiencing an imbalance between your masculine and feminine sides. Restore order to your life by drinking a box of wine coolers while watching all the Die Hard movies back-to-back. If you feel the temptation to buy either a machine gun or Hello Kitty merchandise you’ve tipped the scales too far in one direction.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

It’s best to keep your mouth shut this week, being outspoken may lead to big changes in your life. It’s okay to tell your boss that their fly is low, but don’t tell them you know about that rendezvous with their assistant until you have enough evidence or a new job to secure your future.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Faced with the unhappy prospect of a miserable Canadian winter, you may be tempted to jump ship for warmer climates. I whole-heartedly endorse this decision and I only ask you take me with you- I fit easily into most carry-on baggage and I don’t eat much! Be warned though, there may be a cavity search in your near future.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re going to forget something this week no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t matter if you use post-it notes, email notifications, calendars, or singing telegrams to remind yourself. It’s not all bad news though, because the person most affected by your forgetfulness is a Virgo too so there’s always a chance what they’re going to forget is what you forgot.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

I would like to retract your Horoscope from the November 11^th issue of the Journal- as I’m sure you’ve already found out, the part of you that was going to get shot off sure wasn’t your mouth and I’m really really sorry about that. As an apology, all Libras will receive a free copy of the Journal with their Lethbridge Herald in two weeks.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your compulsive need to “Fight The Man” will lead you to establish a Solar Farm in your back yard. Remember to plug them in this time, otherwise you just have tens of thousands of dollars of really hot silicon slowly damaging your landlord’s property value.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Don’t bite off more than you can chew before the holidays, otherwise you’ll spend your Christmas vacation staring at an Excel spreadsheet and compulsively drinking “Egg Nog” until you can cross your eyes and see Santa Claus in your Q1 Sales estimates. He says hello.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’ve been very naughty this year, but the price of Coal keeps going up so you’re only going to get a stocking full of cat litter. In a whimsical twist of Christmas Magic this will turn out to be exactly what you need when you spill several gallons of crude oil on your driveway. Just what were you doing with all that oil anyways? Maybe we’re better off not knowing.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Let’s get this over with now: As much as you’re already thinking of going to the gym and working out next year, you’re going to spend hundreds of dollars on gym gear and go twice before you quit. Embrace your true nature- buy some P90X DVDs and lie to everybody you bring home about how hard you sweat it. Don’t worry about what they say, they’re lying too.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

The Man is trying to control you with Flu Shots. Do not get immunized, it will only protect you and your family from three strains of Influenza while leaving you susceptible to suggestion from Government Mind Lasers in Low Earth Orbit. Just kidding, the Mind Lasers are for eliminating threats not influencing the weak-minded.

Birthday Baby

Scientists believe we have between 3 Days and 500 Years worth of fossil fuels left on Earth, plan your life accordingly.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - November 11, 2011

Don’t call it a comeback; I’ve been here for years.

Before we get started, let’s all review the important lesson we’ve learned from the case of Texas Judge William Adams: savagely beating your daughter as ‘discipline’ for stealing software isn’t a crime if it happened more than five years ago, even in the face of indisputable video evidence. Because hey, in Texas Justice isn’t blind, she just knows her place and keeps her mouth shut.

Advocates took to the mean streets of downtown Lethbridge recently to hand out forged $9.40 bills in support of raising the Alberta minimum wage. Avid historians will remember that the $9.40 bill was first circulated in 1993 as a means of replacing the less popular $9.40 coin. Both the bill and the coin featured a portrait of Pierre Trudeau and were eventually phased out due to public outcry. The advocates believe that Alberta’s minimum wage, which is coincidentally also $9.40, is not a fair rate of pay and only serves to widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Local Business Representative Harvard Winchester rebuffed the idea, telling reporters the claim was “Hogwash and poppycock”, and that “these dirt-swilling poverty farmers should be grateful we pay them at all”.

A recent study from the University of Lethbridge’s “Useless Studies” program has provided indisputable evidence that death is causing a massive labor shortage in Canada. Says Dr. Findings, head of the study, “We’ve found that nearly every person who dies- whether unexpectedly or otherwise- could have filled a position at one of our many corporations currently laying off their staff for savings on the bottom line.” Dr. Findings believes the most prudent course of action now would be to begin a series of clinical trials to “cure death and begin re-staffing the many companies in Canada currently in a hiring freeze due to increase of living-impaired candidates.”

In related news, Earth has officially been declared full with the birth of the 7 billionth (non-consecutive) child, probably somewhere in Asia or Africa. Scientists have been keeping track of the world’s population since 1976 with the advent of the ‘Tag-N’Track’ program, which painfully affixes a large numbered tag to the ear of each child born after the inception of the system. The 7 billionth child is expected to have basically no future, with a shortage of food, clean water, and health care statistically likely to murder it well before it turns 5.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Fall is a season of transition and change; this may make it seem like a good time to do some housecleaning in your personal life, but remember that the more people you know the more likely it is you’ll be invited to the Ugly Sweater party where you meet your future ex. And maybe a few past exes, it’s a small city.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Your taste for the finer foods may have made for a hearty and satisfying October (especially Thanksgiving!) but you can’t fit into your fat jeans now and with Christmas treats all over store shelves already it’s time for a serious look at a lifestyle change. Plus size clothing always goes on sale around this time of year, and when you don’t need them anymore they make great gifts for expecting mothers.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Your split personality disorder will manifest itself while trying to decide who you can afford to buy nice Christmas presents for- one half of your mind believes everyone can get something for a reasonable price, and the other half thinks you should just kill everyone you know and start your life over in a new town. Luckily for everyone you carpool with, you’re notoriously indecisive about change.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You can stop watering your lawn any day now. I don’t care how proud you are it’s still a little green, in like two weeks it’s going to be dead and all of your neighbors will still think you’re a complete basket case. You should probably throw away your Jack O’ Lanterns too, or else Canada Post is going to stop delivering your mail.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Take solace in the fact that while rocky times lay ahead for your romantic life, even if you drunkenly marry a prostitute in Las Vegas tomorrow your marriage would last at least as long as Kim Kardashian’s and it will only cost a fraction of what hers did.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

While it may seem tempting to try and remove that mole on your arm with a blowtorch and a kitchen knife, this may be one of those things best left to the professionals. Remember what happened when you tried to renovate your bathroom with a set of Allen keys and ‘Plumbing for Dummies’? Imagine all the water damage, but with more blood and fire.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

It may seem like a great idea to drunkenly shoot your mouth off at the Bulldog Saloon while on vacation in Whitefish, but thanks to the Montana Firearms Freedom Act you might not be the only one shooting your mouth off if you do.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your need for control will severely hamper progress on a big project at work, as will your complete lack of knowledge in the field of metallurgy. If this creates trouble with upper management, be sure to have somebody to pin the blame on while you prep your resume.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Be nice to the homeless man busking for change by Esquires downtown, he used to be in charge of Blockbuster Canada. Say no if he offers to show you his ‘New Releases’ though, because you really don’t want to know what they are.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Your pride will get the best of you if you don’t cave and buy a proper winter jacket this year, but I suppose it’s only a serious problem if you’re strongly attached to your extremities.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

While nobody blames you for believing your neighbors have somehow found a way to spike your water with military-grade hallucinogens, most of your friends seem pretty certain that your walls always melted away like that. Maybe it’s time to switch over to bottled water for a while.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

If you do the job right the first time you don’t have to do it twice- this is what your mother-in-law is going to tell you after a quick spot-clean fails to pass inspection. Take her advice to heart when you finally give in and crown her with a shovel, you don’t need her alive long enough to criticize your technique.

Birthday Baby

Turns out Justin Bieber is your father too! Good luck with the paternity suit!

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - October 28, 2011

Buongiorno a tutti, and Happy Halloween!

My condolences go out to the grieving families following their devastating loss of 4 teenagers in a tragic accident. There are too few words to describe the kind of deep hurt that comes from the loss of young men and women with their whole lives before them, but it has drawn the community together stronger than ever and if it is any consolation they will never be forgotten.

I hope this column finds you well, or at least well enough to read it! If not, you should hit up a friend to read it for you and then recount my best lines to you poorly. In the business we call this ‘Word of Mouth’. THE MORE YOU KNOW! Also, am I the only one who finds it weird when Hugh Jackman does press for movies with his real accent?

Local woman Mrs. Astor has asked that all nogoodniks and scallywags steer clear of her property this Halloween, as Mr. Astor has finally been approved for a home nurse and there’s no longer anything stopping her from chasing them off with a hose. Mrs. Astor’s house has been a popular target for vandalism for eight of the nine years she’s lived there, the one exception being 2007 as that was when she drove to Regina with her Bridge Club to see the casino. Neighbours suspect her choice of treats have been the motivation behind the harassment, which have included- among other things- toothpaste, low-fat granola bars, and small packages of used Kleenex.

Area Costume “retailer” ‘Bob’s Mighty Van Of Legally Acquired Halloween Outfits’ has reported an interesting trend in this year’s costume sales. The number of ‘sexy’ costumes being purchased has dropped drastically as it became socially acceptable to wear underwear as clothes, which has rendered all currently ‘sexy’ costumes not revealing enough. Outlet owner Bob suggests purchasing some lengths of wire and rubber bands to fashion the right costume for you, and warns that with the big day approaching he won’t be able to keep more than a few feet of yarn in stock at a time. Other popular outfits include most of a Batman costume and a Superman costume that somebody died in.

Pumpkin amnesty groups are asking Canadians to ‘Remember the Pumpkin’ this Halloween. “Pumpkins are the most noble member of their genus,” said Gourds International founder Jack O’Lantern, “How would you like it if somebody raised you from birth just to carve a grotesque face in your torso?” When it was pointed out to Mr. O’Lantern that Pumpkins are not sentient and therefore almost certainly don’t mind being used for decoration, he yelled “That’s what they WANT you to think!” before carving a goofy face in a member of the press and running off screaming “Pie is Murder”.

HORRORSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You will die in a motel shower shortly before the proprietor plans to break in and murder you.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You will be assaulted by a man who breeds and sells headless horses from his ranch in Sleepy Hollow. Take him to court for a cash settlement, he can afford it.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You will be bitten by a rabid werewolf on Halloween but don’t worry because Animal Control got him and he was just somebody’s dog in a costume. Watch out for that Rabies shot by the way.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Wear underwear with your costume, you don’t need a repeat of last year’s fiasco. In your defense however, most of the enduring gossip seems to be very complimentary, if a bit forward.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

You will benefit most this Halloween from a night in with that special somebody (or something) irritating parents by giving out handmade Rice Krispy squares and gummy Razor Blades to their children.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

There is a 50/50 chance your secret wish of total Zombie Apocalypse will come true on Halloween, but the stars won’t tell me if you’re looking at the slow and mindless ‘Dawn of the Dead’ zombie or the really freaky RAGE zombie from ‘28 Days Later’. Pack a shotgun and be prepared for the unexpected if you want to make it to the second movie alive.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Drive carefully this week, the pedestrian you hit and dump in the ocean could spend a year in traction before coming back to murder you and your close friend Sarah Michelle Gellar.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

A difficult decision is just around the corner- that hot costume you’ve been eying is only available in a size below what you’d normally consider tight and you’ve only got a couple days to slim down.  If all else fails, add some accessories to last Halloween’s costume and hope nobody notices.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

If you go out to Pulse or Studio tonight, you will be felt up by more than one person dressed as Papa Smurf and at least one of them will try to snatch your wallet. Really not much different from any other night at a bar in Lethbridge, let’s be honest.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You will become suspicious that your next door neighbor is a vampire when they bite you on the neck and suck your blood, but you should probably be more worried about the gypsy across the street who’s mad at you for trampling her Hydrangeas.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

There’s conflict in your future if you aren’t diplomatic while trying to score cheap chocolate bars on November 1^st, although you can avoid the mess if you invest in a relatively realistic weapon for your Halloween costume. The other customers talk a big game, but they brought an Amex to a gunfight baby.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

If you watch the tape and don’t return it in seven days you will die. Or the Library will assess you for late fees, it really varies from region to region. At any rate, the tape itself probably won’t kill you- unless it’s a copy of the 1972 film Night of the Lepus.

Birthday Baby

For the next couple of years you’re going to have to put up with some pretty awful costumes, but once you’re old enough to tell your mom to stop dressing you like a Winnie the Pooh character you’re home free- it’s all Transformers and Princesses from then on, even Power Rangers if you’re an ironic hipster baby.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - October 14, 2011

Guten Tag! Tell me, in the future from which you are reading this, has Fox admitted they still make BILLIONS from The Simpsons and they’re just being cheap? No? Who wants to organize a mob with me? No? Fine, I’ll just complain about it on the internet.

Debate broke out recently at the University of Lethbridge over a referendum to socialize the cost of a Student Bus Pass. Proponents of the UPass believe it will encourage use of public transit and reduce carbon output, while critics maintain that the $77.50/semester charge is an unfair burden for those who already pay for alternate forms of transport and parking. Both sides have suffered severe casualties in the ensuing discussion, and with the vote still on the way more are expected. Transit authorities are reportedly excited to begin slowly increasing the price over the next several years while nobody is looking.

The provincial Progressive Conservatives shocked everyone, including themselves, when they accidentally elected Alison Redford the leader of their party, and by extension the Premier-Designate of Alberta. Political Commentators have had a field day with the appointment, using their thesaurus to procure words ranging from the usual ‘unlikely’ and ‘surprising’ to more exotic fare such as ‘astonishing’ and ‘never in a million years would I have ever ever guessed it’. Pundits expect her attempts to bring a different perspective to government will mostly be met by resistance at every turn, with lobby groups and opposition MLAs lining up to complain about her policies even before she officially took office.

Apple co-founder and honorary member of the Justice League Steve Jobs passed away at the age of 56, leaving behind a legacy of unique aesthetic design and overpriced hardware. The company plans to erect a large statue in Jobs’ honor, which will include a Retina display, voice control, and be replaced by a newer generation statue roughly a year after its unveiling. Stock in turtleneck sweaters peaked following the announcement as a generation of Mac Cultists flocked to fashion boutiques to imitate their idol’s iconic image of a pale underfed guy in old man clothes holding a shiny toy.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Your fondness for fire will lead to trouble with the authorities if you let your ADHD get the best of you. Reconsider selling your meds to your friends until you’re sure you can handle a chemical fire without losing your focus.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Watch your finances closely next month, as you may run into money trouble during a vacation getaway that will later turn out to be a Gay Cruise. Don’t be put off if it’s not your scene though, because they mix a mean martini and plus one of them might be Lady GaGa.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

An accident at work will leave you stressed while you pick up the pieces, but you can avoid having to collect dismembered body parts with a simple review of safety procedures while handling high explosives.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

The crystal ball says you’ll find true love next week, but it also claimed Apple was going to reveal an iPhone 5 and not a 4S, so who knows how accurate this thing is.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

This is the weirdest thing; the only thing I’m getting for you is the word ‘Powder’. Hopefully that means something to you, because I’m stumped. Maybe now is the time to try skiing?

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

As the weather gets colder, refrain from stuffing chemical heat packs down your pants as cotton underwear is extremely flammable and hot water bottles are more comfortable anyway.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

That YouTube video of you crying during The Lion King 3D will go viral and get your best friend arrested for illegally filming a copyrighted movie, but it’s okay because everybody cries during that part and it doesn’t make you less cool.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

You will run into your ex at a social event this week, step carefully or everyone you know will learn some pretty juicy secrets about you. It never hurts to have a Plan B, so start looking into relocating to another city to get a head start on your dirty laundry.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

It’s always good to face your fears, but assaulting a clown while yelling ‘DIE DIE DIE’ will raise some eyebrows among the rest of the Birthday party. Wait for him in the parking lot after hours instead.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

FYI- your neighbours can see you when you rap along to Eminem in your bathrobe and while they’re impressed you know all the lyrics to Guilty Conscience it’s uncomfortable that you’re doing when their kids are coming home from school. Push your ‘me time’ back a couple hours to avoid a run-in with them, or start taking better care of covering up anything private.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

No matter how much Halloween candy you buy, by the time Trick Or Treaters make it to your door all you’ll have are some Rockets and those little red and white mint candies that you don’t remember purchasing but have a thousand of. Enjoy it, they make those mini chocolate bars just two or three times a year.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

It doesn’t matter how hard you work, until you’re willing to start wearing pants to the office that promotion will continue to elude you. It’s also time to pick up some new dance moves, because while disco is still cool ironically it won’t do you any favours.

Birthday Baby

You’re going to grow up in a world where Nirvana is classic rock and that’s just weird.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - September 30, 2011

Greetings, salutations, shalom, and good day to you! I see you have picked up a copy of the Lethbridge Journal! How do you like it so far? At the time of this writing it is too early to tell if they have accepted my suggestion of nude models to attract a more diverse audience, but if they have and you were drawn to the Journal because of the various naked people please let us know. They don’t think it’ll work.

They call me the Twitter Guy, and I will be your guide to what’s happening in the world around you, from our Mayor’s mad guitar skillz to Angela Merkel’s striking resemblance to a pit bull. And, if you can’t get enough of our take on the news here, follow me on Twitter @Leth_Local_News for frequent updates on the stupid things people do. Enjoy!

In local news, a hooligan faces charges following a one-man crime spree during which he assaulted two women, stole two vehicles, committed theft over $5000, and spooked livestock. When appearing before a judge he explained he ‘needed help’ and must now undergo a psychological evaluation to see if he is fit to stand trial. “Even the defendant admits only a crazy person would do what he did,” said the Judge, “We’d better make sure this time.”

In sports, the return of goaltender Brandon Anderson to Lethbridge from the Washington Capitals camp leaves the Hurricanes with three goalies. Head Coach Rich Preston has high hopes for the new ‘triple threat’, saying “That leaves me with two players to get my beer and mini donuts”. Preston gave no indication on whether or not the team would focus on letting fewer goals in this season

In national news, the Harper Conservatives have come under fire for recent bouts of spend-happiness in a time of austerity. A top general was caught using public funds to take private jets on personal business, defending himself saying “Have you ever flown coach? I always get stuck next to some creepy guy who smells like peanut butter and sadness”. The Conservatives also took flak for reintroducing an expensive ‘Omnibus bill’ on crime, which is expected to making sweeping changes to Canadian justice from increased penalties for shenaniganism to mandatory minimum sentences for conspiracy to enjoy drugs. And finally, the Conservatives took another hit over the hiring of a $90,000/day consulting firm to advise them on trimming the fat from the budget. Finance Minister Jim Flaherty told the press next on the list was “A $90,000/day consulting firm to advise us on making less ironic decisions”.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Steer clear of 23^rd Street on Sunday. Seriously, just… just don’t go down 23^rd. I’m not joking. Just don’t.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

You will make awkward eye contact with a cop while waiting for a light, only to realize you’re holding your cell phone and eating a cheeseburger. A financial transaction will not benefit you today.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

A wedding you were planning to attend will be cancelled when the groom discovers his wife-to-be is a man, intervene and patch things up between them so your nice outfit doesn’t go to waste.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Venus is in Libra, which means it’s time to dust off your Spice Girls CDs and pretend it’s still socially acceptable for somebody your age to use a hairbrush for a microphone. Don’t accept any offers of candy from men in white vans next week; they only have Licorice Allsorts and Butterscotches from 1983.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

A horoscope will give you some bad romantic advice this week; tell your significant other what you really think of their irritating little habits, honesty always makes a relationship stronger. Mercury is not in retrograde, and be thankful because if it was there’d be no scientific basis for it.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

If you don’t go to the bathroom before you leave your house you’re not going to get another chance- I’m serious, you do this every time. The stars told me so.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Going to work drunk will endear you to your coworkers and make you attractive to members of the opposite gender. Just pick a mild liquor or your whiskey breath could stop you from sealing the deal.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

An attempt to demonstrate your Moves Like Jagger will end in the ER. Take advantage of the time off work to discover your passion for online poker.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Don’t forget an important day coming up or you’ll have to buy a doghouse just to sleep in it, and brother they ain’t comfortable.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

An episode of Nancy Grace will provide that epiphany you’ve been looking for. Act quickly on your intuition this week to succeed, or don’t- it’s your choice.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You will receive a promising email from a Nigerian Prince who really needs your help, but you should back off because I heard from him first so the money is mine!

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

It’s time to take a stand for consumer rights! If you ask for Coke and they only have Pepsi, report them to the Better Business Bureau for being anti-competitive. Your lucky number is 317.

Birthday Baby

In 20 years you will find this horoscope in your parents’ cellar and laugh at how great life was before the aliens invaded and enslaved us all.

A Few Thoughts On 9/11

“And the sky is filled with light, can you see it? All the black is really white, if you believe it. As our time is running out, let me take away your doubt- we can find a better place in this twilight.”

                Nine Inch Nails, ‘In This Twilight’ (Year Zero, 2007)

I spent a lot of time trying to write something worthy of calling itself a ‘9/11 tribute piece’, but I couldn’t. In the ten years since it happened, it has reached a hand into every life and sent entire cultures in wildly different directions than they were headed. Almost everybody you talk to who was alive when it happened can tell you where they were when they first heard, and if you ask they’ll probably admit to crying as the towers started to buckle and give way. I can still tell you what we had for dinner that night at my house while we watched a desperate America try to make some sense- any sense- out of what they were witnessing. I was ten years old at the time, and it felt like we had crossed into a new era. Not immediately for my day to day life perhaps, but slowly the shockwaves from the attacks would seep into every aspect of western civilization.

I believe that the fastest and most effective way to check the temperature of any culture at any point in time is to find the stand-up comedians and listen to what they are saying. The root of any successful joke is the inherent contradiction between the question and the answer. For example, look at the single most common joke on the planet: Why did the chicken cross the road? The person asking wouldn’t ask unless the answer was something specific and surprising, but the answer (and thus, the joke) is that the chicken crossed the road merely to get to the other side. The audience is surprised by the mundane nature of the answer because they expected something else, so they laugh. On a higher level, topical comedians do much the same thing by pointing out the contrast between the world as it is and the world as it should be. Why am I telling you this? Because the most popular reason for the enormous gap between the world we live in now and the world as it could be is the same one that frustrates us in our daily lives- as a species, humanity has become completely devoid of common sense.

Comedian Lewis Black noted on his album ‘The End of the Universe’ that on September 12, 2001 the FAA released a list of items that were no longer to be sold in airports. Top of the list? Knives. Before 9/11, it was possible to purchase a knife at an airport and take it with you on the plane. That doesn’t seem like common sense. Clear Channel Communications released a list following the attacks of some 165 songs that they suggested had ‘questionable lyrics’, and recommended their radio stations avoided playing them. ‘What A Wonderful World’ by Louis Armstrong, ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins, and ‘Rocket Man’ by Elton John share a spot on the list next to songs like ‘Bodies’ by Drowning Pool and ‘Break Stuff’ by Limp Bizkit. Read the list and tell me your eye doesn’t start twitching, there’s about three songs on it that make any sense.

We now live in an era where an entire political party would rather their government fail to pay its bills than tax the wealthy. We live in an era where gays serving openly in a military setting is considered a problem to be tackled with equal fervor given to bills dealing with organized crime and rape- sometimes more. This is an era where heroes must wait ten years to truly have any recognition or closure but Snooki will never want for money again. This is an era where the elderly will be forced into searches so violent it will dislodge their catheter and they will be made to endure their flight soaked in urine, and a pregnant mother will have her insulin taken from her for fear it may be a bomb. These are not the actions of a sane society. We must not condone this!

So if we have learned anything ten years on from 9/11 it is that we must be calm and level-headed. We must accept that we are fighting wars against invisible enemies, but that does not mean we must treat our own people like sheep and criminals. We must not wait until appointed days to celebrate the truly heroic among us, nor to mourn those lost in acts of senseless violence. We must show that we as a people can stand up, act in unity for our own betterment, and demand transparency and honesty from the people we choose to lead us. We must be afraid for our safety, but confident in our security. We must ask ourselves with every decision- does this make sense? Because if we continue to chase our tails over extremely important issues, my generation may grow up in the final era before we genuinely lose control of our minds. And I don’t know about you, but I’m already meeting the children that will make up the next generation after mine and I think that every single one of them deserves to see what they can make of the world. If we don’t start using our common sense, they won’t grow up in a world worth making anything of.