Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - May 25th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

And here we are again;

Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.

Unrest continues in Quebec as students protest a potential tuition hike by smashing police cars and yelling at politicians. “They’re like Americans with their taxes,” says Quebecologist Dr. Jacques French, “It doesn’t matter that what they pay now is low or even unsustainable compared to the rest of Canada, they simply cannot accept it going up. We’re talking about the kinds of people who wreck a shop display because Coke went up by $0.10.” Many taxpayers have been unsympathetic to the cause as well. “I appreciate that they want school to be accessible to all,” said Montreal mother Jean Dough, “but things are expensive. Get used to the idea. C’est la vie, it sucks, move on and stop breaking my shop windows.”

Skechers, the company behind popular toning shoes such as “Shape-Ups”, has agreed to a $40 million settlement for consumers who believed claims that the $100 sneakers would help them lose weight. The company may still sell the shoes in question, but is no longer allowed to make any claim that the shoe assists in losing weight or toning muscles. In response, Skechers is planning to unveil a comprehensive new marketing strategy that will focus primarily on consumers who are oblivious to fashion trends and adore products they believe to be comfortable, such as those who purchase high-priced yoga pants but do not do yoga, and those who wear Crocs.

In game news, the long-awaited sequel to millions of ruined childhoods, “Diablo III”, was recently released to mortal men for the first time, following a protracted development period of several thousand years. However, the release was marred by catastrophic server failures as every single gamer on the face of the Earth attempted to log on and play the game at the same exact time, exposing several flaws in developer Blizzard’s “Always-Online” internet requirement. Relationship and Addiction counselors are warning people with a Diablo player in the house to approach with caution once the servers are back online, as they may mistake you for a demon and attempt to loot your desecrated corpse for magic items once they begin playing.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - May 11th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

Stay a while, and listen!

Toronto-based think-tank ‘Professor Xavier’s Institute for the Mentally Interesting’ has published a new report calling for the replacement of Tasers with a “more lethal non-lethal weapon, or weaponized animal”. The lead author of the report, Admiral Heinz Ketchup, explained the Institute’s findings: “From 2001-2012, Tasers were only responsible for a few hundred deaths in the United States and most of them just hit their head on the way down. In the same period, guns successfully killed tens of thousand of otherwise completely healthy people! We feel the military-industrial complex could be doing a much more effective job of non-lethally killing naked people at the airport.” The report suggests, among other weapons, a “Crossbow tipped with poison from Amazonian Dart Frogs” and “Some sort of microwave gun that would make the target soil themselves”.

Financial consultants have issued warnings to their clients that the Canadian Bird Housing bubble is at risk of collapse. “As Canadian birds accrue more and more personal debt, we find it hard to recommend taking out a mortgage or loan on your birdhouse,” says the warning from accounting firm Sylvester and Tweety. “Birds are migratory animals with almost no equity. Unlike Squirrels or Chipmunks they very rarely have anything saved for the harsh winter months, which makes long-term planning difficult... and they often make chickenfeed compared to other animals in similar jobs.” Experts believe that while the economy is currently taking a birdbath, a recovery is inevitable as long as everyone keeps saying it.

The United States government has released a series of letters recovered from Osama bin Laden’s stronghold, many of which express dismay at the state of the world “Can you believe who got voted off the X Factor last night?” reads one, “A jihad upon Simon Cowell!” Another letter expresses dismay and self-doubt. “I just feel like I blew my big chance, you know? We really had something going, but I just wasn’t a strong enough leader to keep the momentum. It’s so frustrating! Plus, Akbar also brought me the last episode of LOST yesterday, and I was so disappointed I cried.”