Mason's Mandate- James Bond

Leth_Local_News columnist Mason Manly gives you his take on the issues faced by the modern man.

Dear Mr. Manly,

I will keep this question short. Who is the best James Bond?

doubleohno

Double-Oh-No

I admire you for keeping your question short! Real men keep it quick, and always get right to the point. I didn’t like your name, by the way. That’s why I changed it. A true man capitalizes and hyphenates, unless he’s in danger! ARE YOU IN DANGER.

But to the point, the answer is obviously none of them. The best James Bond would break the villain’s neck in the first ten minutes with his enormous muscles, then spend the rest of the movie getting drunk and making out with Pamela Anderson. But they would have to CGI her to before she went all… well, you know.

They all have manly qualities, except for George Lazenby, who was in an excellent movie but let Bond get attached to a woman- NOT VERY MANLY, GEORGE. Everybody knows men don’t get married, because weddings are expensive, rarely involve sports, and the food is always bland.

Just pick your favorite and kill your friends that don’t agree.

Regards,

Mason “Mantastic Voyage” Manly

Manly Quote of the Day

Every book of rules written about fighting tells you not to kick a man in the jewels. These books are FULL OF LIES because they are written by OTHER MEN WHO ONLY WANT TO KICK YOUR TESTICLES.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - January 3, 2012

Well here we are, 2012.

It’s a year so cool it already has a movie AND a doomsday prophecy. 2011 only wishes it was this cool. Before we get too far in, allow me to make my first annual “Tweet The Future” Twitter Guy predictions for the second-best year behind 2001 (which was so cool it had a subtitle and a movie waaaaaay before 2011 did).

1.  Barack Obama will retake the White House with Hilary Clinton as his second, and he will do it by shooting several irritating Republicans with a laser gun while the House is recessed. He will be the first president to do so since Roosevelt.
2.  My generation, broadly referred to as the ‘Occupy Kids’, will finally be faced with the fact that our parents were basically making it up as they went and those precious $50k degrees guarantee us lucrative spots as fry cooks and customer service jockeys. We’ll try not to be too bitter as we prepare your Filet O’ Spit while you go on about how lazy we are.
3. The Stop Online Piracy Act will be passed into law because Congress still believes that the internet is tubes and the immediate revolt will only end when unlimited access to questionable offshore pornography is returned to the people, as the founders intended when they created America.
4. An Albertan politician will be caught blowing .06 at a Checkstop and the legal limit will inconspicuously creep back up to .08 the next day. Media coverage will differ based entirely on the political affiliation of the drunk.

TOP 10 STORIES OF 2011

Here are my top newsmakers of 2011, the movers and the shakers, and the stories that touched our hearts. Listed in order from the first one I wrote to the last one I wrote:

1. Local senior can’t feed the ducks because he’s out of bread
2. Western democracies quietly congratulate themselves for the Arab Spring
3. Royal Wedding reinforces that rich people better than you
4. God begins to doubt his own existence, kills Christopher Hitchens
5. Scientists break physics, spend several months trying to deny they were there when it happened
6. Obama the reason that everything sucks
7. NASA retires shuttle fleet, plans to hitch-hike to the stars for now
8. Steve Jobs declared obsolete, retired in favor of 4G model
9. Casey Anthony declared Not Guilty by Justice system, Guilty by everyone who watches Nancy Grace
10. Occupy Wallstreet movement begins widespread protest over use of public parks for widespread protests.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

This is your year! This is the year that you’re going to end promising to get into shape next year. Way to grab the bull by the horns champ.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Speaking of bulls and horns, maybe pass on the New Years Resolution to do the Running of the Bull in Pamplona, Spain. You’ll be fine, probably, but that’s more than I can say for your digital camera and dignity.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You will spend the next year at work slowly pushing for change and setting your career on the path for success, only to have it wiped away with a single management shakeup in the interest of ‘Synergy’. A career shift to ‘Homeless’ will open your eyes to a new way of thinking.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You will be forced to watch and rewatch the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie so many times that hearing any voice pitched up will send you into convulsions. The medical community will name the condition after you, which they believe is your soul trying to tear itself from the mortal coil.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Approach 2012 with a ferocious energy and you will find the rewards are endless. Now the stars were extremely vague on what constitutes ‘ferocious energy’, so a lot of this is kind of up to you. I don’t think you should be too ferocious though, it’s hard to imagine what sort of endless reward you could possibly get from savaging your father’s car with a one-wood after a particularly close golf game.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

There’s still hope for you: Scientists believe that they’ve developed an AI so advanced it can pass for human in most romantic relationships, but it’s a big believer in Astrology so it seems to think it’s only compatible with a Virgo or a Taurus and the Taurus is busy discovering what being ‘Gored’ means.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

Your demo tape will generate huge interest from the Record Labels after so many years of failure and spaghetti-o’s. I don’t want to tell you why, but here’s a hint: you accidentally sent the wrong disc and you didn’t write ‘California Gurls’.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Jupiter and the Sun are conspiring to make you particularly amorous towards the middle of the month when Mercury and Venus have made your partner withdrawn and stressed. It’s okay! Times like this are why we invented video games and alcohol, which are exactly like romantic interaction in that you wake up feeling like you probably said a lot of things you’re going to regret but it was still a good time.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Just admit you’re probably never really going to finish reading Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and go see the movie already, it’s not like anybody’s judging. Well, we’re all judging because we actually read it, but between you and me it’s probably better as a movie anyways.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Resist the urge to second guess your every decision this month just because you made one lousy mistake and accidentally set somebody’s wig on fire over Christmas break. This country was founded on reckless impulses and poor long-term strategy!

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Pluto is rotating upside-down this month, so you’re going to be a little forgetful for the next couple of weeks. I… wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Pluto is rotating upside-down this month, so set somebody’s wig on fire.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Do you remember that Alan Jackson song about 9/11, “Where Were You”? Do you ever feel really cynical when you hear it, like you know that he was just cashing in on easy sentiment, but you still kind of tear up because 9/11 sucked and he almost nails it? Yeah, me too.

Birthday Baby

The pet your parents owned to convince themselves they weren’t accidentally going to screw up on you is going to get crazy jealous as soon as you get home but with the right combination of poop and screaming you won’t have anything to fear.