Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - October 26th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

If you can read this, you don’t need glasses.

Spooktacular!

Police are warning citizens to stay away from the following haunted mazes, houses, basements, waterfronts, and glue factories as they are currently unlicensed by the City of Lethbridge Haunted Venues Zoning and Registration Office and may be fronts for human trafficking:

-          Uncle Touchy’s Haunted Mansion: Unlicensed, actually a haunted bungalow. Do not enter the vortex in the broom closet, you will not come back out.

-          The Pavan Poltergeist: The original Pavan Poltergeist was ghostbusted by Dan Akroyd in 1998- this one is a sheet filled with hay that has flashlights for eyes.

-          The Headless Chef: Licensed restaurant, unlicensed as a haunted venue. Highly recommend the spaghetti and meatballs.

-          The Galt Museum: Recently investigated by Liam Neeson as a potential front for human trafficking.

Ain’t No Cure For The Wintertime Blues

As negotiations continue to stall between NHL owners and players, hockeyball fans (referred to by the league as ‘Wallets with Legs’) have been left in the cold to fend off the boredom and wolves with a broken stick. Fed up with constant labour disputes, experts have found that the Wallets are beginning to develop an alternative strategy for getting their hockey fix while some millionaires engage in a slapfight.

-          Videogames: It’s not quite Hockey Night in Canada, but fans with access to a PS3/Xbox 360 have replaced their weekly ritual with a 24-pack of Molson and a copy of EA Sports’ NHL 13. I’m told the further into the 24-pack you get, the less it matters that Don Cherry isn’t yelling at you from deep inside a suit made of curtains.

-          Minor/Amateur League Hockey: It’s not quite NHL 13, but when you have to give up and get drunk in public because your Xbox died, most fans are opting to attend local games for WHL and amateur teams. Many claim that the lower-league hockey games have a rough-edged ‘Indie Music’ quality to them which makes them more thrilling, but that’s just the Molson 24-pack sewed to the inside of their jacket talking.

-          Give Up, Stay Home: Nothing on TV but baseball? Drank all your Molson at your 10-year old’s Pee Wee Hockey game? I’m afraid you have no choice but to lock yourself in your house with a stack of Wayne Gretzky documentaries and a bottle of whisky (FOR YOUR HOCKEY GRIEF). It’s just like watching real hockey, except you’ll probably cry more when Walter Gretzky has his stroke. Acceptable substitutes for Gretzky include any Russia-Canada serieses, or the game the Calgary Flames lost their cups and had to play very carefully for twenty minutes while somebody went looking for them.

By the way, NHL 13 is pretty good if it’s your sort of thing. You can play as the Hurricanes, in the Enmax Centre (or a reasonable facsimile)! AND YOU CAN WIN!

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - October 12th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

Shine on, you crazy diamonds!

Meaty Goodness

XL Foods, a front business for international pharmaceutical conglomerate and global bioweapons merchant Pills Inc. has released a statement detailing the company’s assessment of the recent recall issued for beef allegedly contaminated with E. coli. The surprisingly frank release discusses the existence of a massive biological warfare facility beneath Brooks, which mistakenly sent a sample of the highly contagious “Jim’s Awesome Zombie Virus, X9 Strain, Attempt 338 (Working Title)” in a case of Flavour Enhancers bound for the XL Foods Killing Floor. The company acknowledges that it has “some opportunities” when it comes to not accidentally wiping out mankind, but has promised that at the very least next time this happens the virus will actually zombify you instead of just killing you outright.

Bridge (Drive) To Nowhere

After just over a year of secretive work and late-night explosions, the City of Lethbridge has re-opened Bridge Dr. West on-time and under-budget. Considered an achievement in a city where fixing a pothole costs several million dollars in mob contracts and work progresses at a pace akin to a glacier advancing*, the Bridge Drive project has nonetheless managed to draw criticism from the city that never stops complaining. Among the grievances being aired are the newly lowered speed limit (down to 60 from 80) and the lack of boost pads, item boxes, and branching paths- all planned for during the budgeting phase. Residents have been asked not to shoot at the photo radar box if they see it along Bridge Drive, with city officials warning that if it continues to happen they may consider giving the robot the ability to shoot back.

Brace Yourselves, Winter is Coming

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when movie studios release their Oscar bids, and good television shows return to the air to save us from reruns of last season. The leaves fall from the trees, it gets cold, and you’ve paid your way out of debt from last Christmas just in time to start worrying about this Christmas. Roads get icy and people look at you funny when you go out in shorts that say ‘Juicy’ on the butt. Here are a few tips for making the adjustment to Winter, physically and mentally:

1)      It’s time to put the Ice Scraper back in the car. Failure to do so will result in you using a credit card to chip eyeholes into the ice on your windshield at 11:30pm in a Walmart parking lot.

2)      If you have litigious neighbours, be ready to shovel your walk and cake it in chemicals. Document every step for the inevitable trip to small claims court. Don’t wait for first snow to go buy a snow blower if your old drinking injury precludes you from using the shovel, wuss.

3)      Winter tires are your best friend if traction is something you value in a driving experience. For those of us who grew up on arcade-style driving games, a less grippy tire will provide you with the sickest powerslides for your dollar(s).

4)      Start crushing up generic antidepressants and mixing them into your drink to help you deal with being cooped up inside all the time. And some vitamin D, you don’t need Rickets.

*Glaciers were these bodies of ice, ice, baby that used to cover the planet during the Ice Age movies. While they’ve long since receded into oblivion like Earth’s frigid hairline, at one point it was not unheard of for them to actually move forward, albeit very slowly. At a glacial pace, one might say. We’re through the looking glass here people.