If you can
read this, you don’t need glasses.
Spooktacular!
Police are
warning citizens to stay away from the following haunted mazes, houses,
basements, waterfronts, and glue factories as they are currently unlicensed by
the City of Lethbridge Haunted Venues Zoning and Registration Office and may be
fronts for human trafficking:
-
Uncle Touchy’s Haunted Mansion: Unlicensed, actually a haunted
bungalow. Do not enter the vortex in the broom closet, you will not come back
out.
-
The Pavan Poltergeist: The original Pavan Poltergeist was
ghostbusted by Dan Akroyd in 1998- this one is a sheet filled with hay that has
flashlights for eyes.
-
The Headless Chef: Licensed restaurant, unlicensed as a
haunted venue. Highly recommend the spaghetti and meatballs.
-
The Galt Museum: Recently investigated by Liam Neeson
as a potential front for human trafficking.
Ain’t No Cure For The Wintertime
Blues
As
negotiations continue to stall between NHL owners and players, hockeyball fans
(referred to by the league as ‘Wallets with Legs’) have been left in the cold
to fend off the boredom and wolves with a broken stick. Fed up with constant
labour disputes, experts have found that the Wallets are beginning to develop
an alternative strategy for getting their hockey fix while some millionaires engage
in a slapfight.
-
Videogames: It’s not quite Hockey Night in
Canada, but fans with access to a PS3/Xbox 360 have replaced their weekly
ritual with a 24-pack of Molson and a copy of EA Sports’ NHL 13. I’m told the
further into the 24-pack you get, the less it matters that Don Cherry isn’t
yelling at you from deep inside a suit made of curtains.
-
Minor/Amateur League Hockey: It’s not quite NHL 13, but when you
have to give up and get drunk in public because your Xbox died, most fans are
opting to attend local games for WHL and amateur teams. Many claim that the
lower-league hockey games have a rough-edged ‘Indie Music’ quality to them
which makes them more thrilling, but that’s just the Molson 24-pack sewed to
the inside of their jacket talking.
-
Give Up, Stay Home: Nothing on TV but baseball? Drank
all your Molson at your 10-year old’s Pee Wee Hockey game? I’m afraid you have
no choice but to lock yourself in your house with a stack of Wayne Gretzky
documentaries and a bottle of whisky (FOR YOUR HOCKEY GRIEF). It’s just like
watching real hockey, except you’ll probably cry more when Walter Gretzky has
his stroke. Acceptable substitutes for Gretzky include any Russia-Canada
serieses, or the game the Calgary Flames lost their cups and had to play very
carefully for twenty minutes while somebody went looking for them.
By the way,
NHL 13 is pretty good if it’s your sort of thing. You can play as the
Hurricanes, in the Enmax Centre (or a reasonable facsimile)! AND YOU CAN WIN!
ARIES (March
21-April 19)
The
temptation to give in and spend the week with a bad attitude is a strong one,
but don’t let the world get you down. That falling piece of space debris could
have landed on just about anyone’s car, and as soon as your insurance company
can decide if you’re covered under ‘Weather’ or just ‘Acts of God’, you’ll be
able to move on with your life.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
The key to
winning just about any Costume Contest on Halloween is to find a costume that
nobody has sexed up yet and make it happen. I’m thinking sexy Power Ranger will
fit you well, plus later if you’re hooking up with somebody you can yell “It’s
MORPHIN’ TIME” when you take your pants off.
GEMINI (May
21-June 20)
Keep your
head down at work and focus your attention on the task at hand, too many
distractions could lead to a fumbled project. I’m told that crushing up generic
ADD meds helps with this kind of thing immensely, and if you’re going to keep
up with the drug-powered whiz kids created by what’s left of our education
system you have no choice.
CANCER (June
21-July 22)
You will
learn the truth of the phrase “You are what you eat” when- on a dare- you eat a
piece of alien space goo off the asteroid that hit your neighbour’s car, and it
turns you into a Spiderman villain. Or it will melt you into a corroded puddle
of organs; I’m an astrologer not a scientician.
LEO (July
23-Aug 22)
You know how
every year on Halloween you always hoped you’d hit a house that was super
generous? Like, they gave out big chocolate bars or a can of pop or whatever?
This year, make your house that house- and give out beer for the grown-ups.
VIRGO (Aug
23-Sept 22)
Nobody likes
Tofu instead of candy, and if we learned anything from Scorpio two weeks ago
it’s that young people are incredibly accurate with a carton of eggs when
they’re angry.
LIBRA (Sept
23-Oct 22)
Your lawsuit
against the Minute Rice people for false advertising will see a significant
leap forward this week when the judge cooks dinner this weekend and cannot seem
to cook rice in less than 8 minutes. They will be convicted of heresy and
summarily executed.
SCORPIO (Oct
23-Nov 21)
Keep in
touch with old friends and colleagues because you’ll never know when they’ll
come in handy. When people like you enough, they’ll give you everything from a
job to a kidney.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 22-Dec 21)
While
planning for the future, always make sure you account for a possible return of
the the Dinosaurs. As far as they’re concerned, Earth is still their planet and
we’ve just been keeping their meat warm for them.
CAPRICORN
(Dec 22-Jan 19)
You should
always believe in yourself. If you want to be the world’s foremost
cross-dressing extreme periodontist, you be the best darn one of those that
there ever was. Like Klinger from MASH, except with more sensible shoes.
AQUARIUS
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
It takes
teamwork to really get anything done, and it takes money to get people to work
together for more than twenty minutes. What I’m saying is, if you’re doing
group work in University sometimes it’s just faster to slip everybody $10 than
it is to try and herd the cats.
PISCES (Feb
19-Mar 20)
Being
antisocial isn’t a sign of anything except that you realized early that 99% of
people aren’t worth dealing with and the remaining 1% are in your family. Keep
that 1% close because they alone understand the madness that’s inside you.
Birthday
Good fortune
will smile upon you when you chip a tooth on a gold dubloon mysteriously
embedded in your ice cream cake.
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