Salvete!
By the time you read this, America will have elected their
next president and abandoned New Jersey to the ocean. As I assume that the
candidates each got half of the votes, there are two things that might have
happened: Congress split America into two countries, North America and South
America, or they have genetically fused the candidates into a self-aware sin
against nature to rule the nation with an iron claw.
Congratulations to President (Circle One)! Mitt Romney -
Barack Obama - Donald Trump
Speaking of New
Jersey…
In a scene that God stole directly from Day After Tomorrow,
the entire Eastern shoreline of North America was slapped across the mouth by
Hurricane Sandy. Initially believed to be an advertisement for Al Gore’s “An
Inconvenient Truth 2: Reckoning”, the so-called ‘Frankenstorm’ left New York
underwater and most of Virginia buried beneath a thousand feet of snow. Canada
was also hit by the storm, but you wouldn’t know it based on the news coverage.
New Jersey was so badly shmucked by the whole affair that America promptly
forgave them for being New Jersey and started sending aid in the form of
hairspray and tanning salons. Fortunately, despite the devastation across the
coast, TMZ has reported that the Jersey Shore house survived without so much as
a broken window. The boardwalk shop they worked at immediately next door to the
house, however, was crushed by an airborne whale or something. As I am certain
that relief efforts will still be ongoing when you read this, please feel free
to fire as many dollars as you can spare to the Red Cross to help Americans
recover from the dual disaster of a hurricane superstorm and an out-of-control
election slugfest.
C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)
Lethbridge City Council voted
recently not to put off an upcoming raise for themselves as part of a
compensation review requested by the City Clerk’s office in 2009. The raise
works out to around $7000 the city’s Alderbros and Alderhoes and about $6000
for Killmaster Rajko Dodic. Lethbridge’s notoriously stingy residents were
quick to criticize Council for the pay increase, wondering aloud to nobody in
particular if they might be able to vote for their own raises at work in the
future. Councillors in favour of the motion were quick to defend it, telling
reporters that they work very hard and don’t get paid nearly enough- something
absolutely nobody else in the city could possibly empathize with.
In the words of my father, suck it
up princess.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Just a heads up, but you should probably pick up toilet
paper. And milk, you’re almost out of milk.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Made all the more curious by dreadlocks and Bob Marley
shirts, every man and woman in Canada will go through a ‘Reggae Phase’. Symptoms
include good vibrations, an increase in “Jammin’”, and in extreme cases looking
at plane tickets to the Caribbean on itravel2000.com. It gets harder to resist
clicking ‘Confirm Booking’ every winter.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
With the amount of work you put into your Halloween costume,
I don’t think anybody can really begrudge you the right to wear it on other
special occasions. Zombie Hitler Claus is going to be a real hit on Christmas.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
It’s not nearly as easy as it looks to climb tall buildings
or fling yourself from roof to roof like they do in the movies- and I know this
for a fact because after 8 straight hours of Assassin’s Creed III I fell off my
roof and dented my girlfriend’s car door trying to free run. So think before
you try something you saw on TV: was there any kind of disclaimer to stop you
from suing?
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Your friends are an incredibly valuable resource, which is
why you should stop referring to them as ‘Minions’ and demanding they fetch you
things. You see, the problem with minions is that 9 times out of 10 they get
fed up with your abuse and end up impaling you on your own superweapon- which
is why you hire interns to abuse and use your friends to form your council of
evil instead.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgos don’t especially care for change- which isn’t
necessarily a trait unique to them, but they tend to react much more violently
than others. Nowhere is this more true than in a Virgo’s operating system; a
Mac Virgo can never switch to anything other than OSX/iOS and a Windows Virgo
can never upgrade to Windows 8 without a blood sacrifice.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your overzealous trash talk lately has left many of your
close acquaintances wary of your company. Moving forward, it may be best to
keep your mouth shut in situations where it is unnecessary or illegal to accuse
somebody’s mother of promiscuity- this of course excludes all situations where
said person’s mother (or indeed father/sister/cousin) is demonstrably
adulterous, but it’s still rude.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
I am whole-heartedly supportive of your plan to convert the
entire North Side to a skating rink by systematically driving into every fire
hydrant you can find on a cold day, but if a judge asks me to testify at your
trial I can’t lie for you again. The planet Jupiter didn’t MAKE you do it, it
just gave you the IDEA.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your addiction to Golf won’t have to suffer through another
winter of half-baked simulation games and putting Timbits into a coffee cup:
Strap on some snow shoes and go hit up Paradise Canyon once the powder starts
falling again. Come Spring, the 800+ golf balls you lost in snowdrifts will
confuse the heck out of the staff.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
It is your destiny to answer the greatest question faced by
men since “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”: Is it considered unmanly to pull over and
ask Siri to get directions from Apple Maps? And the second question: Will those
directions accidentally lead you to the entrance to Narnia?
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You have enough leftover Halloween chocolates to feed a
thousand trick-or-treaters and nothing to do with them. As an enterprising
individual, I don’t see that you have any other choice but to buy a deep fryer
and some batter to create the single deadliest miniaturized snack treats since
Reese’s Pieces.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
I know you’ve been burning the collection letters as fuel,
but the fact is the ending of Fight Club didn’t actually happen and you do
still owe your credit card a substantial amount of money. The 2012 apocalypse
probably won’t keep those vampires from getting what they’re due either, so
it’s time to start working on your get-rich quick schemes again lest they give
in and just take your firstborn.
Birthday
Early November is a tough time to have a birthday, since
everybody is either broke from Halloween or anticipating being broke for
Christmas, especially nowadays. This year for your birthday, ask the government
to let you change it to a less cash-strapped month (like April, or May).
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