I know what we’re going to do today!
Did You Check The
Hard Drive Room?
The federal government recently announced after a month-long
‘Do We Tell Them or Not?’ session that they maybe had possibly misplaced a hard
drive that may or may not have contained the sensitive personal information of
over half a million student loan borrowers. The information, which covers a
period from 2000-2006, includes names, birthdates, social insurance numbers,
turn-ons, favorite foods, and taste in music. Officials have begun to notify
affected individuals now that they’re sure they’ve lost the drive, and plan to
include a photo of a small cat captioned ‘I’m Vewwy Sowwy’ with every letter.
The Squeeze
Hurting for cash? Feeling the Christmas Hangover? Here are
some quick, easy tips to tighten your wallet and get back to solvency without
resorting to prostitution (again).
1) Say Amen to Ramen – A staple of the poor-as-dirt
diet since its invention, Ramen is the main export of the country of Ichiban.
Made from a thick sawdust paste flavoured with small bags of green bits and
coloured salt, it is sold in bulk for cheap and can be combined with other
popular broke foods such as crackers or mustard to diversify the flavour
profile.
2) Take Advantage of Free – There’s free
stuff everywhere, if you know where to look. People will throw out perfectly
good stuff just because their dog peed on a bunch of it, and you can always
find a good meal if you’re willing to brave the right dumpster. You think I’m
joking, but there really are people who pay for school/debt/bills this way.
Chez Dumpster, bon appetite.
3) Sell Fluids, Not Organs – As you may or
may not know, body parts are a multi-billion dollar black market industry (and
depending on where you are, the ‘black market’ status is debatable). But while
the foolish and the greedy will eagerly part out their organs for a quick
payday, the truly wise leave their body intact and sell off their juices
instead. There’s always an eccentric billionaire with a rare disease that is
desperate for your plasma, or your bile, or your saliva or whatever, and he
will pay through the wallet to get it.
Ground Control To
Major Tom
Canadian Rocket Man Chris “The Moustache” Hadfield has
gained quite a following on popular Internets hangout The Twitter recently,
part of a growing wave of interest in space exploration cultivated primarily
through social media. Along with the Mars Curiosity Rover, which briefly had
its account suspended for tweeting nude photos of itself in a Martian hotel
room, Hadfield has made NASA sexy again by offering the average person a way to
see the world that so few ever get the chance to experience. As if that weren’t
enough, he also has plans to become a pop sensation by writing and recording an
album in zero gravity entitled ‘Suck on this, Justin Bieber’.
