Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 21st, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

As I’m writing this, the media is reporting a man armed with assault weapons has massacred 20+ children and a number of adults. I’m sure by now you’ve heard about it a few hundred times. Nevertheless, I’d like to take this opportunity to focus my best wishes, hopes, vibrations and prayers on the people of Newtown (Formerly Oldtown).

Looking Forward To 2013

As we bid a fond ‘Ugh’ to 2012, and possibly all of mankind, we turn our attention now to the news stories that will shape the year ahead:

The Economy

At the end of 2012 everybody seems to be broke except the businesses posting record profits. America is days away from flinging itself off a self-proclaimed fiscal cliff, unable to make ends meet without either eliminating education from the budget or asking the wealthy to take a tax hike. As we move into 2013, be sure to join the Lethbridge Journal Financial Collapse Betting Pool and pick which nation you think will slip into bankruptcy next!

The Environment

2012 was the year that Mother Nature fought back, hitting mankind with an onslaught of superstorms, earthquakes, and general chaos. Our increasingly defiant defilement of nature in the face of mounting evidence will make 2013 a turning point. We’re running out of rainforest, we’re running out of oil, we’re running out of ozone, and we’re running out of time. I’d take the opportunity to learn to swim, if I were you.

Government

Two big stories dominated the political discussion for most of 2012, shaping the narrative for 2013 and beyond. The first story has been the debate over the role of government- how much control do they deserve? What is their place in modern society? The second story concerns the corruption of government, which flared up in the latter half in the year as scandal after scandal broke to reveal a new corrupt official. With traditional institutions failing us and government credibility at an all-time low, 2013 will either be the year politicians redeem themselves or the year we lose faith in the only system keeping us from anarchy. Abandon all hope.

Star Wars Episode VII

Story details, director details, casting details. We need to know and we need to know NOW, DAMMIT.

I’d like to wish you all a Merry Non-Denominational Winter Festival Celebration, and a Happy Secular Date Rollover, and if we make it to 2013 intact I look forward to harassing you at home via the Lethbridge Journal until you pay me back what you owe me.

-          James

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 7th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.

Afterstache: Life in the Shadow of Movember

With the gloomy days of Movember now long behind us and the war on butt cancer pretty much in the bag, the world’s attention has moved on to bigger and shinier things.  Like any war, however, the consequences linger long after we hang up the “Mission Accomplished” posters and begin covering up evidence of human rights violations. Survivors of Movember 2012 have been shipped home to their wives and children, forced to choose between a life of itchy facial hair and a life of regular shaving. Experts say most Canadian men will have no trouble re-entering normal society after a tour of duty with a moustache, but they also warn that men who find themselves unable to face the razor again will encounter workplace prejudice and angry family members as they attempt to adjust. If you or somebody you love is suffering from Post-Moustache Stress Disorder, please direct them to the Moveterans’ Affairs website, www.hairymensavingbutts.gov.

The War on Christmas

With little over two and a half weeks left until the end of the world, local Lethbridgianites are in an uproar over another assault in what they call ‘the war on Christmas’. It began when 81 year-old northside resident Harold Rosenthal hired two teenage brothers to modernize his Christmas lights display, leaving them at a hardware store unattended with his credit card for several hours while he fell asleep at a nearby drive-thru window trying to purchase onion rings. Using approximately $15,000 of sound and lighting equipment, the teens installed what the police report later described as “A really bitchin’ setup” that was “just pimped OUT”, including a holographic Baby Jesus fighting Satan with a lightsaber and a 50-foot-high ‘Laser Santa’ singing Christmas Carols with the help of actual angels. When nearby neighbours complained they were being exposed to extremely high levels of radiation, the city sent a bylaw officer to shut the display down. Pilgrims- many of whom travelled for upwards of fifteen minutes to see Mr. Rosenthal’s new lights- rioted when they were told that the massive setup would need to be removed for public safety, flipping over two picnic tables and a particularly light sedan. Though Mr. Rosenthal was eventually allowed to keep his lights up, his house burned down just days later when Laser Santa achieved sentience and took revenge on his captors.