This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned
the whole world.
Afterstache: Life in
the Shadow of Movember
With the gloomy days of Movember now long behind us and the
war on butt cancer pretty much in the bag, the world’s attention has moved on
to bigger and shinier things. Like any
war, however, the consequences linger long after we hang up the “Mission
Accomplished” posters and begin covering up evidence of human rights
violations. Survivors of Movember 2012 have been shipped home to their wives
and children, forced to choose between a life of itchy facial hair and a life
of regular shaving. Experts say most Canadian men will have no trouble
re-entering normal society after a tour of duty with a moustache, but they also
warn that men who find themselves unable to face the razor again will encounter
workplace prejudice and angry family members as they attempt to adjust. If you
or somebody you love is suffering from Post-Moustache Stress Disorder, please
direct them to the Moveterans’ Affairs website, www.hairymensavingbutts.gov.
The War on Christmas
With little over two and a half weeks left until the end of
the world, local Lethbridgianites are in an uproar over another assault in what
they call ‘the war on Christmas’. It began when 81 year-old northside resident
Harold Rosenthal hired two teenage brothers to modernize his Christmas lights
display, leaving them at a hardware store unattended with his credit card for
several hours while he fell asleep at a nearby drive-thru window trying to
purchase onion rings. Using approximately $15,000 of sound and lighting
equipment, the teens installed what the police report later described as “A
really bitchin’ setup” that was “just pimped OUT”, including a holographic Baby
Jesus fighting Satan with a lightsaber and a 50-foot-high ‘Laser Santa’ singing
Christmas Carols with the help of actual angels. When nearby neighbours
complained they were being exposed to extremely high levels of radiation, the
city sent a bylaw officer to shut the display down. Pilgrims- many of whom
travelled for upwards of fifteen minutes to see Mr. Rosenthal’s new lights-
rioted when they were told that the massive setup would need to be removed for
public safety, flipping over two picnic tables and a particularly light sedan.
Though Mr. Rosenthal was eventually allowed to keep his lights up, his house
burned down just days later when Laser Santa achieved sentience and took revenge
on his captors.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Your wallet is going to be stretched thin this holiday
season, between food, gas, rent, bills, Christmas gifts, Christmas decorations,
Christmas dinner, Boxing Day, New Year’s Eve booze, New Year’s Eve appetizers,
Hangover McDonalds, and a DWH (Driving While Hungover) for rear-ending a cop in
the drive-thru. Now if only you had a job…
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Now that we’re into December, it’s safe for you to start
slipping liquor into every festive beverage you drink again. Peppermint
(Schnapps) Which Chocolate Mocha? Check. An Irish Coffee? Check. Captain
Morgan’s Spiced (Rum) Egg Nog? Check. It’s not a drinking problem if it’s
seasonal!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Everybody has things they’re good at and things they should
never do unless not doing them would result in the catastrophic end of all
existence. I once knew a man who was so terrible at crossword puzzles it killed
his father and later his only son. My point is, you almost ran over a baby and
that’s why you can’t drive for a year. Get over it and invest in a Breeze card.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
You’ve had a compulsion recently to write song lyrics all
over everything you own, which is nice because at least you’re not drawing
genitals anymore. Try to pick lyrics you’ll be excited to rediscover the next
time you move and have to go through your crap, because there’s nothing like
somebody helping you pack finding a binder with ‘Blow my whistle baby’ written
on the front. God help you if that person is one of your kids.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Leos know that the truly wise person knows how much they do
not know. Thanks to the internet, however, you are now never more than 20
minutes of hard reading away from knowing too much about everything. Have you
read the Wikipedia article on Chickens? It’s like a novel, you fall in love and
learn about who you are on your way to the end.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’re going to have a lot of free time on your hands in
short order, but don’t waste it sitting around watching TV. It’s really cold
outside, so waste it wrapped in blankets with hot chocolate watching TV. The
empty promise of losing weight in the New Year will assuage that guilt you’re
feeling.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You will be on the receiving end of terrible service next
time you dine out. Before you write all sorts of terrible letters demanding
everybody involved be sacked immediately, ask yourself: Did you receive
genuinely bad service, or was it bad because you referred to everybody in the
restaurant as ‘the Help’ and told the waitress she would not be receiving a tip
because you don’t give handouts to single mothers?
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Trying to find the perfect gift is likely to drive you
insane, and like the old business adage says: “People will pay anything to get
out of doing something”. Start your own personal shopping service and tell your
clients the truth: Any gift you give that isn’t an iPad, you may as well have
lit the money on fire just to watch it burn.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Lindsay Lohan is going to hit you with her car on her way to
rehab. Try to relax just before impact and everything will be okay. She’ll get
three hundred hours community service and you’ll never walk again. By reading
this you agree that the Lethbridge Journal (Hereafter referred to as ‘the
Journal’ or ‘the L-Journey’) is not legally liable for giving you this friendly
‘Heads-up’.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Shovelling snow is hard, and snowblowers are way to rich for
your blood, but there IS a way. Duct tape an especially powerful fan to the top
of any RC car or Roomba and set it loose on your driveway- voila, no more back
pain and the neighbour’s dog will have an aneurysm trying to get loose and kill
it. The L-Journey isn’t liable for any lost fingers that may result from construction
of this unlicensed piece of engineering.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You bought all your Christmas presents on sale last year
during Boxing Week, I don’t even know what you’re so worried about. Sure, a
bunch of the electronic stuff is out of date and the pet rabbit pooped itself
to death in that box, but you saved a fortune and in the end that’s really what
the season is all about.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
This year, pick a really esoteric New Year’s Resolution and
really try to stick the landing. Take up macramé and wow your friends with
incredible designs, or join a black ops spy agency and never be heard from
again. That’ll show everyone who called you a quitter!
Birthday Baby
Make this the year you finish a project you’ve been meaning
to finish your whole life, but make it quick because I don’t know if you read
your horoscope yet but Lindsay Lohan is coming for you and she won’t stop
unless she runs out of cocaine.
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