They call me Tater Salad…
Schnurrbart Means
‘Moustache’
Does anybody else find it weird that we celebrate moustaches
the same month we honor the sacrifice of soldiers that died in, among others, a
war to stop the angriest moustache German engineering could build? No, not
Hitler- I’m referring of course to the events of 1996 when an experimental ‘Schnurrbot’,
broke out of a Volkswagen testing facility with a nuclear warhead and two dozen
hostages. Although a team of US Marines killed it when it attacked New York,
the world has never been the same.
Presidential
Discourse
Recently re-elected US President Barack Obama held an
impromptu Ask Me Anything on popular timesuck Reddit late last week, fielding a
large number of questions from the site’s users on a wide range of topics.
Below is a selection of highlights from the President’s AMA.
(Editor’s Note- The questions have been translated from ‘Internet
English’ to ‘Real, intelligible words’ by a team of insane college students for
your convenience.)
1) Hey, big fan of your last term, just
wondering if you might be able to tell us when you intend to unveil your plan
to save the US economy from the so-called ‘Fiscal Cliff’? Also, who’s on your
iPod right now? – RapidMonkees54
Well now, I’ve got to be honest with you, Joe [Biden] and I hammered out
the whole thing at about 3am in a tiny little diner in Ohio. The problem is, we
forgot it when we left and that’s why we kept going back- we were trying to
find the diner again. I’m actually going to need everybody in Ohio to stop for
a second and check the nearest restaurant, because all we’ve found so far is a
map to the Lost City of Cleveland and Romney’s tax plan (also on a napkin).
It’s a crayon drawing of himself wearing a crown and a sash that says “#1
President”.
As for music, right now I’m bumping the new Kendrick Lamar record, and Biden’s
been making Springsteen play for him every night since the election. I got Bill
[Clinton] hooked on dubstep and Hillary was so mad she pushed me into a ditch
(also in Ohio).
2) How awkward was Romney’s phone call on
election night? – xX_anger_man_Xx
He hung up every time we
answered, until we gave up and sent him to voicemail. It was 10 minutes of
silence followed by a sullen “Fine” and a gunshot. I feel really bad for him,
you know? The guy really, REALLY wanted to be President, and that’s a hard
dream to let go of when you’ve been campaigning for 20 years. I don’t know who
or what got shot, by the way, but nobody’s seen his campaign manager in a while
and I’m not about to ask questions.
3) What are your thoughts on Donald Trump’s
‘evidence’ announcement and subsequent public meltdown? – KingOfYourMom
At one point, the Republican Party was talking about running him as their
candidate. I wish that they had; he’d be broke and I’d still be president. Part
of my plan to tax the wealthy includes a clause that increases the burden on
obnoxious rich orange people with cheap toupees and more golf courses than
brain cells.
4) How do you relieve stress after a hard day
at work? – JackNJillNJillsFriendSam
Visit Colorado or Washington.
Alright fine, I also play Call of Duty with a couple of secret service
guys- not to make you jealous but I’ve had Black Ops II since September.
Michelle wants me to see the last ‘Twilight’ movie with her and the girls, but
I told her not until she lets me try that thing we read about in ’50 Shades of
Grey’.
5) Care to comment on the Petraeus scandal at
all? – Bowchickawow69
For
a nation of adulterous porn fiends, Americans are weirdly prudish about sex and
surprisingly eager to cast the first stone. He should’ve used more discretion,
but I think that as a nation and as a planet we have more pressing concerns
than flirtatious emails and high school bullshit. Let’s save the economy and
the environment first, then we can watch Surge of Love with David Petraeus on
CNN.
