Friday, 21 December 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 21st, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine

As I’m writing this, the media is reporting a man armed with assault weapons has massacred 20+ children and a number of adults. I’m sure by now you’ve heard about it a few hundred times. Nevertheless, I’d like to take this opportunity to focus my best wishes, hopes, vibrations and prayers on the people of Newtown (Formerly Oldtown).

Looking Forward To 2013
As we bid a fond ‘Ugh’ to 2012, and possibly all of mankind, we turn our attention now to the news stories that will shape the year ahead:

The Economy
At the end of 2012 everybody seems to be broke except the businesses posting record profits. America is days away from flinging itself off a self-proclaimed fiscal cliff, unable to make ends meet without either eliminating education from the budget or asking the wealthy to take a tax hike. As we move into 2013, be sure to join the Lethbridge Journal Financial Collapse Betting Pool and pick which nation you think will slip into bankruptcy next!

The Environment
2012 was the year that Mother Nature fought back, hitting mankind with an onslaught of superstorms, earthquakes, and general chaos. Our increasingly defiant defilement of nature in the face of mounting evidence will make 2013 a turning point. We’re running out of rainforest, we’re running out of oil, we’re running out of ozone, and we’re running out of time. I’d take the opportunity to learn to swim, if I were you.

Government
Two big stories dominated the political discussion for most of 2012, shaping the narrative for 2013 and beyond. The first story has been the debate over the role of government- how much control do they deserve? What is their place in modern society? The second story concerns the corruption of government, which flared up in the latter half in the year as scandal after scandal broke to reveal a new corrupt official. With traditional institutions failing us and government credibility at an all-time low, 2013 will either be the year politicians redeem themselves or the year we lose faith in the only system keeping us from anarchy. Abandon all hope.

Star Wars Episode VII
Story details, director details, casting details. We need to know and we need to know NOW, DAMMIT.





I’d like to wish you all a Merry Non-Denominational Winter Festival Celebration, and a Happy Secular Date Rollover, and if we make it to 2013 intact I look forward to harassing you at home via the Lethbridge Journal until you pay me back what you owe me.
-          James

Friday, 7 December 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - December 7th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world.


Afterstache: Life in the Shadow of Movember
With the gloomy days of Movember now long behind us and the war on butt cancer pretty much in the bag, the world’s attention has moved on to bigger and shinier things.  Like any war, however, the consequences linger long after we hang up the “Mission Accomplished” posters and begin covering up evidence of human rights violations. Survivors of Movember 2012 have been shipped home to their wives and children, forced to choose between a life of itchy facial hair and a life of regular shaving. Experts say most Canadian men will have no trouble re-entering normal society after a tour of duty with a moustache, but they also warn that men who find themselves unable to face the razor again will encounter workplace prejudice and angry family members as they attempt to adjust. If you or somebody you love is suffering from Post-Moustache Stress Disorder, please direct them to the Moveterans’ Affairs website, www.hairymensavingbutts.gov.

The War on Christmas
With little over two and a half weeks left until the end of the world, local Lethbridgianites are in an uproar over another assault in what they call ‘the war on Christmas’. It began when 81 year-old northside resident Harold Rosenthal hired two teenage brothers to modernize his Christmas lights display, leaving them at a hardware store unattended with his credit card for several hours while he fell asleep at a nearby drive-thru window trying to purchase onion rings. Using approximately $15,000 of sound and lighting equipment, the teens installed what the police report later described as “A really bitchin’ setup” that was “just pimped OUT”, including a holographic Baby Jesus fighting Satan with a lightsaber and a 50-foot-high ‘Laser Santa’ singing Christmas Carols with the help of actual angels. When nearby neighbours complained they were being exposed to extremely high levels of radiation, the city sent a bylaw officer to shut the display down. Pilgrims- many of whom travelled for upwards of fifteen minutes to see Mr. Rosenthal’s new lights- rioted when they were told that the massive setup would need to be removed for public safety, flipping over two picnic tables and a particularly light sedan. Though Mr. Rosenthal was eventually allowed to keep his lights up, his house burned down just days later when Laser Santa achieved sentience and took revenge on his captors.


Friday, 23 November 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - Movember 23rd, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


They call me Tater Salad…

Schnurrbart Means ‘Moustache’
Does anybody else find it weird that we celebrate moustaches the same month we honor the sacrifice of soldiers that died in, among others, a war to stop the angriest moustache German engineering could build? No, not Hitler- I’m referring of course to the events of 1996 when an experimental ‘Schnurrbot’, broke out of a Volkswagen testing facility with a nuclear warhead and two dozen hostages. Although a team of US Marines killed it when it attacked New York, the world has never been the same.

Presidential Discourse
Recently re-elected US President Barack Obama held an impromptu Ask Me Anything on popular timesuck Reddit late last week, fielding a large number of questions from the site’s users on a wide range of topics. Below is a selection of highlights from the President’s AMA.
(Editor’s Note- The questions have been translated from ‘Internet English’ to ‘Real, intelligible words’ by a team of insane college students for your convenience.)
1)      Hey, big fan of your last term, just wondering if you might be able to tell us when you intend to unveil your plan to save the US economy from the so-called ‘Fiscal Cliff’? Also, who’s on your iPod right now? – RapidMonkees54
Well now, I’ve got to be honest with you, Joe [Biden] and I hammered out the whole thing at about 3am in a tiny little diner in Ohio. The problem is, we forgot it when we left and that’s why we kept going back- we were trying to find the diner again. I’m actually going to need everybody in Ohio to stop for a second and check the nearest restaurant, because all we’ve found so far is a map to the Lost City of Cleveland and Romney’s tax plan (also on a napkin). It’s a crayon drawing of himself wearing a crown and a sash that says “#1 President”.

As for music, right now I’m bumping the new Kendrick Lamar record, and Biden’s been making Springsteen play for him every night since the election. I got Bill [Clinton] hooked on dubstep and Hillary was so mad she pushed me into a ditch (also in Ohio).

2)      How awkward was Romney’s phone call on election night? – xX_anger_man_Xx
He hung up every time we answered, until we gave up and sent him to voicemail. It was 10 minutes of silence followed by a sullen “Fine” and a gunshot. I feel really bad for him, you know? The guy really, REALLY wanted to be President, and that’s a hard dream to let go of when you’ve been campaigning for 20 years. I don’t know who or what got shot, by the way, but nobody’s seen his campaign manager in a while and I’m not about to ask questions.

3)      What are your thoughts on Donald Trump’s ‘evidence’ announcement and subsequent public meltdown? – KingOfYourMom
At one point, the Republican Party was talking about running him as their candidate. I wish that they had; he’d be broke and I’d still be president. Part of my plan to tax the wealthy includes a clause that increases the burden on obnoxious rich orange people with cheap toupees and more golf courses than brain cells.

4)      How do you relieve stress after a hard day at work? – JackNJillNJillsFriendSam
Visit Colorado or Washington.

Alright fine, I also play Call of Duty with a couple of secret service guys- not to make you jealous but I’ve had Black Ops II since September. Michelle wants me to see the last ‘Twilight’ movie with her and the girls, but I told her not until she lets me try that thing we read about in ’50 Shades of Grey’.

5)      Care to comment on the Petraeus scandal at all? – Bowchickawow69
For a nation of adulterous porn fiends, Americans are weirdly prudish about sex and surprisingly eager to cast the first stone. He should’ve used more discretion, but I think that as a nation and as a planet we have more pressing concerns than flirtatious emails and high school bullshit. Let’s save the economy and the environment first, then we can watch Surge of Love with David Petraeus on CNN.

Friday, 9 November 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - Movember 9th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


Salvete!


By the time you read this, America will have elected their next president and abandoned New Jersey to the ocean. As I assume that the candidates each got half of the votes, there are two things that might have happened: Congress split America into two countries, North America and South America, or they have genetically fused the candidates into a self-aware sin against nature to rule the nation with an iron claw.

Congratulations to President (Circle One)!       Mitt Romney     -     Barack Obama     -     Donald Trump

Speaking of New Jersey…
In a scene that God stole directly from Day After Tomorrow, the entire Eastern shoreline of North America was slapped across the mouth by Hurricane Sandy. Initially believed to be an advertisement for Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth 2: Reckoning”, the so-called ‘Frankenstorm’ left New York underwater and most of Virginia buried beneath a thousand feet of snow. Canada was also hit by the storm, but you wouldn’t know it based on the news coverage. New Jersey was so badly shmucked by the whole affair that America promptly forgave them for being New Jersey and started sending aid in the form of hairspray and tanning salons. Fortunately, despite the devastation across the coast, TMZ has reported that the Jersey Shore house survived without so much as a broken window. The boardwalk shop they worked at immediately next door to the house, however, was crushed by an airborne whale or something. As I am certain that relief efforts will still be ongoing when you read this, please feel free to fire as many dollars as you can spare to the Red Cross to help Americans recover from the dual disaster of a hurricane superstorm and an out-of-control election slugfest.

C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me)
Lethbridge City Council voted recently not to put off an upcoming raise for themselves as part of a compensation review requested by the City Clerk’s office in 2009. The raise works out to around $7000 the city’s Alderbros and Alderhoes and about $6000 for Killmaster Rajko Dodic. Lethbridge’s notoriously stingy residents were quick to criticize Council for the pay increase, wondering aloud to nobody in particular if they might be able to vote for their own raises at work in the future. Councillors in favour of the motion were quick to defend it, telling reporters that they work very hard and don’t get paid nearly enough- something absolutely nobody else in the city could possibly empathize with.
In the words of my father, suck it up princess.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - October 26th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


If you can read this, you don’t need glasses.


Spooktacular!
Police are warning citizens to stay away from the following haunted mazes, houses, basements, waterfronts, and glue factories as they are currently unlicensed by the City of Lethbridge Haunted Venues Zoning and Registration Office and may be fronts for human trafficking:
-          Uncle Touchy’s Haunted Mansion: Unlicensed, actually a haunted bungalow. Do not enter the vortex in the broom closet, you will not come back out.
-          The Pavan Poltergeist: The original Pavan Poltergeist was ghostbusted by Dan Akroyd in 1998- this one is a sheet filled with hay that has flashlights for eyes.
-          The Headless Chef: Licensed restaurant, unlicensed as a haunted venue. Highly recommend the spaghetti and meatballs.
-          The Galt Museum: Recently investigated by Liam Neeson as a potential front for human trafficking.

Ain’t No Cure For The Wintertime Blues
As negotiations continue to stall between NHL owners and players, hockeyball fans (referred to by the league as ‘Wallets with Legs’) have been left in the cold to fend off the boredom and wolves with a broken stick. Fed up with constant labour disputes, experts have found that the Wallets are beginning to develop an alternative strategy for getting their hockey fix while some millionaires engage in a slapfight.
-          Videogames: It’s not quite Hockey Night in Canada, but fans with access to a PS3/Xbox 360 have replaced their weekly ritual with a 24-pack of Molson and a copy of EA Sports’ NHL 13. I’m told the further into the 24-pack you get, the less it matters that Don Cherry isn’t yelling at you from deep inside a suit made of curtains.
-          Minor/Amateur League Hockey: It’s not quite NHL 13, but when you have to give up and get drunk in public because your Xbox died, most fans are opting to attend local games for WHL and amateur teams. Many claim that the lower-league hockey games have a rough-edged ‘Indie Music’ quality to them which makes them more thrilling, but that’s just the Molson 24-pack sewed to the inside of their jacket talking.
-          Give Up, Stay Home: Nothing on TV but baseball? Drank all your Molson at your 10-year old’s Pee Wee Hockey game? I’m afraid you have no choice but to lock yourself in your house with a stack of Wayne Gretzky documentaries and a bottle of whisky (FOR YOUR HOCKEY GRIEF). It’s just like watching real hockey, except you’ll probably cry more when Walter Gretzky has his stroke. Acceptable substitutes for Gretzky include any Russia-Canada serieses, or the game the Calgary Flames lost their cups and had to play very carefully for twenty minutes while somebody went looking for them.

By the way, NHL 13 is pretty good if it’s your sort of thing. You can play as the Hurricanes, in the Enmax Centre (or a reasonable facsimile)! AND YOU CAN WIN!

Friday, 12 October 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - October 12th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)



Shine on, you crazy diamonds!

Meaty Goodness
XL Foods, a front business for international pharmaceutical conglomerate and global bioweapons merchant Pills Inc. has released a statement detailing the company’s assessment of the recent recall issued for beef allegedly contaminated with E. coli. The surprisingly frank release discusses the existence of a massive biological warfare facility beneath Brooks, which mistakenly sent a sample of the highly contagious “Jim’s Awesome Zombie Virus, X9 Strain, Attempt 338 (Working Title)” in a case of Flavour Enhancers bound for the XL Foods Killing Floor. The company acknowledges that it has “some opportunities” when it comes to not accidentally wiping out mankind, but has promised that at the very least next time this happens the virus will actually zombify you instead of just killing you outright.

Bridge (Drive) To Nowhere
After just over a year of secretive work and late-night explosions, the City of Lethbridge has re-opened Bridge Dr. West on-time and under-budget. Considered an achievement in a city where fixing a pothole costs several million dollars in mob contracts and work progresses at a pace akin to a glacier advancing*, the Bridge Drive project has nonetheless managed to draw criticism from the city that never stops complaining. Among the grievances being aired are the newly lowered speed limit (down to 60 from 80) and the lack of boost pads, item boxes, and branching paths- all planned for during the budgeting phase. Residents have been asked not to shoot at the photo radar box if they see it along Bridge Drive, with city officials warning that if it continues to happen they may consider giving the robot the ability to shoot back.

Brace Yourselves, Winter is Coming
Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when movie studios release their Oscar bids, and good television shows return to the air to save us from reruns of last season. The leaves fall from the trees, it gets cold, and you’ve paid your way out of debt from last Christmas just in time to start worrying about this Christmas. Roads get icy and people look at you funny when you go out in shorts that say ‘Juicy’ on the butt. Here are a few tips for making the adjustment to Winter, physically and mentally:

1)      It’s time to put the Ice Scraper back in the car. Failure to do so will result in you using a credit card to chip eyeholes into the ice on your windshield at 11:30pm in a Walmart parking lot.
2)      If you have litigious neighbours, be ready to shovel your walk and cake it in chemicals. Document every step for the inevitable trip to small claims court. Don’t wait for first snow to go buy a snow blower if your old drinking injury precludes you from using the shovel, wuss.
3)      Winter tires are your best friend if traction is something you value in a driving experience. For those of us who grew up on arcade-style driving games, a less grippy tire will provide you with the sickest powerslides for your dollar(s).
4)      Start crushing up generic antidepressants and mixing them into your drink to help you deal with being cooped up inside all the time. And some vitamin D, you don’t need Rickets.






*Glaciers were these bodies of ice, ice, baby that used to cover the planet during the Ice Age movies. While they’ve long since receded into oblivion like Earth’s frigid hairline, at one point it was not unheard of for them to actually move forward, albeit very slowly. At a glacial pace, one might say. We’re through the looking glass here people.

Friday, 28 September 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - September 28th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


Oppan Gangnam Style!

iPhone 5: Review
I am trembling. It has been several days since I last took a shower, and my most recent hot meal was a frozen burrito that fell on the sidewalk and cooked itself to perfection. I clutch a wad of crumpled bills close to my chest, willing myself to breath slowly. I am low on supplies, and what little is left must be saved.
My boss is in line, some fourteen people behind me. He hasn’t seen me. If he does, he won’t talk- officially speaking, I am attending the birth of my firstborn son and he is at his cousin’s funeral (Phlegm Cancer kills over 7 invented relatives every year). Unofficially, however, it is a much different story. Except his cousin really is dead, but from driving a Jeep off a mountain and into a Children’s Hospital.
Men with rifles appear on the rooftops around us. It is nearly time. I shiver with anticipation, and feel an uneasy quiet fall over the crowd. Somewhere, far beneath the ground in the darkness and fire where the world was forged, I hear the steady cadence of a drum begin to beat. Perhaps ‘hear’ is not right. I feel it, down to my bones.
A flash! An explosion of colour blinds the assembled crowd, sending a small Cessna careening from the sky and into a nearby duck pond where it bursts into flames. Circus animals begin to parade past, led by men outfitted in the finest silks and rarest jewellery. At one point, I am certain I see the Hope Diamond affixed to a Mime’s face. The drum beats ever louder. A choir begins to chant, layering voices upon voices. A baby begins to cry, frightened, and is silenced with a gag soaked in tears.
The line begins to move and the crescendo peaks. The silence is deafening. A beat. A scream from the crowd.
“I GOT ONE!”
Chaos erupts. In a month’s time, everybody will have one, but for now the fool at the front of the line is about to be physically assaulted for the small cardboard box in his hand. The wise gods of Capitalism smile upon us. After what feels like eons, I reach the front of the line. A slightly overweight boy of 19 scratches his pimples.
“How many gigs and what colour bro?” he asks.
I grab him by the shoulder with my right hand.
“16 gigs in black, my friend!”
“NO TOUCHING” yells a man with a very large gun.
I shove my crumpled wad of cash into the boy’s asthmatic chest and snatch my prize from his grip with a snarl. I don’t remember asking for a case or a product protection plan, but as I collapse outside the store blinded by tears, I hear them clatter to the ground. I wipe my eyes. This is the moment I have whipped myself into a frenzy for- the defining moment not only of my own insignificant life but that of my equally wasted generation.
I crack open the box and remove the iPhone 5 from its elegant prison.
Words fail me.
I am taken aback for what feels like hours, until my breath returns and I turn it on. It has cost me everything to get to this moment.
My new iPhone 5 flickers to life, and the euphoria slips away. Functionally, this phone is nearly indistinguishable from the 4S I threw at a homeless man on the way here. It is a very nice phone, there can be no doubt, but the haze has cleared from my eyes and I can no longer tell what had me so worked up. I accidentally step in elephant poop, which confirms that I did not hallucinate the elephants.
Anxiety wells up inside me. I felt whole for fifteen precious seconds, and now I am empty again. I immediately log on to Twitter to register my distress and begin speculating about the iPhone 5S.

No doubt, this time it will truly be the phone that I have waited my whole life to be disappointed by.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - September 14th, 2012



Once Upon A Time…

I have a confession to make: None of this is true. Nearly every news story you have ever read in Twitter Guy has been fabricated. There is no such thing as ‘Halloween’, Abraham Lincoln did not invent the push-up bra, and Thomas Mulcair is not the King of the Lumberjacks. Yet. I promise that until I am assassinated six weeks from now for my part in the revolution, I will never lie to you again, starting immediately after this sentence.

That’s a filthy lie.

To celebrate the one year-ish relaunchiversary of the Journal, I thought it would be fun to peek into the sealed archives and find out what the Twitter Guy column was like before I took over- back in the good old days.

Something About A Man Out of Uniform
This first excerpt is from a 1967 issue of the Lethbridge Journal, which from 1962-1971 was published by a hippie commune ten minutes south of town. During this era, the Journal frequently included references to the Earth Mother and offered advice on dealing with squares, tie-dying everything from shirts to dogs, and a special recipe for brownies. In this issue, Twitter Guy Charlie Dunsberry is concerned about draft dodgers:
Regional Scienticians say that an overwhelming majority of the so-called ‘Draft Dodgers’ are men, many of whom are young and educated. Experts believe that allowing them to stay will reverse the trend of ‘brain drain’ in Canadian academia, but warn there will be unintended consequences. “Dig this,” said Sexpert Rick Smooth, “Thousands of hot dudes on the run from a war they don’t agree with? Hippie chicks love that stuff man, they’re gonna go nuts. Summer ’67 could be a major bummer.”

Coal Beans
This next excerpt has been sourced to an early edition of the Journal from sometime in the late 1800s, although much of the original copy was destroyed in 1991 when a leaky pipe in the basement of city hall destroyed a room full of historical newspaper clippings. The plumber that installed the pipe was later whipped for his crime.
It came to pass that Mrs. Beaufeldt rose to serve the coffee, whereupon each of her guests had a sip and immediately took ill. Mrs. Winchester declared it “a most vile concoction” and Col. McCaffrey said he imagined that it could be used to interrogate criminals who were not disposed to talking. In her old age, it seems, Annabella Beaufeldt had mistaken her supply of coal for coffee beans and served the result to her dinner party. It was no surprise, confided the guests, as Mrs. Beaufeldt had imbibed a considerable quantity of wine with dinner. Many who attended later died in horrible pain.

Mark Campbot
The final excerpt of our journey through history is from the iPad-exclusive 3D edition of the Lethbridge Journal from the year 45 A.J. (After Jobs). Obviously we have reduced the text to 2D and translated it into English, but the grim vision of the future it presents is hilarious nonetheless:
The City of Lethbridge is warning citizens to stay indoors and take cover under nearby school desks, as local supervillain Mark Campbell is at it again. A former newscaster and weatherman, Campbell later became a billionaire scientist driven mad by the death of his attractive assistant. Concerned with his failing health, he eventually installed his brain inside a cold-fusion robot of his own design and began terrorizing citizens with his patented good humour and deadly lasers. When he’s not busy oppressing the townsfolk, he can be found in his Death Palace located where the West Side used to be.

Friday, 31 August 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - August 31st, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


Booyakasha!

 Oh, Rats
Alberta, once the crown jewel of Canada, has seen its hallowed status as a Rat Free province threatened by the discovery of a colony near the city of Medicine Rat- I mean, Medicine Hat. Officials believe the rats were first attracted to the city by the good schools and affordable housing, but were at a loss when asked to explain how the large rodents were able to buy land without money. Concerned that an infestation of rats could threaten to take their jobs, politicians have summoned Alberta’s Teen Rat Squad to drive them into the neighbouring province of Saskatchewan, where they will be exposed to radioactive Uranium deposits and mutate into massive Super-Rats capable of chewing through a Ford Fiesta in under ten minutes.

What Happens In Vegas…
Speaking of crown jewels, subhuman celebrity gossip sludge factory TMZ has obtained photos of Prince Harry naked as a jaybird during a crazy party in Las Vegas. The weekend trip to Vegas has been a rousing success for the royal family, who hope to remain relevant to today’s jaded youth by portraying Harry as a hard-partying sex fiend that enjoys a snifter of brandy with his game of nude billiards. The reaction among young adults has been unanimously positive, especially among the ladies. “Become a princess AND get black-out drunk in Las Vegas? It sounds like Ke$ha wrote a concept album,” says Royal Stalker Catherine Mumfordandsons, “He’s rich, he’s naked, he’s royalty. More please!”
Sources close to her say that the Queen is thrilled with the invigorating new direction for the royal family- having hurled herself from a helicopter with James Bond earlier this summer- and has taken to keeping a bottle of Bombay Sapphire with her at all times in case a party should break out.

Tour de Farce
Retired inspirational figure and bracelet magnate Lance Armstrong has been banned from the sport of professional cycling for allegedly using performance enhancing drugs. The US Anti-Doping Agency has stripped Armstrong of his seven Tour de France wins based on the testimony of some guys they know after a drawn-out battle with the athlete over accusations of doping. Tired of the mudslinging and hoping to move on, Lance declined to take the issue to arbitration, threw up his hands and yelled “Screw you guys, I’m going  home” before flipping off everybody in the room and biking out a window. “If years of drug tests showed I’m clean,” he said in a later statement, “I figure, I must have been clean. But if I learned anything from Todd Akin, it’s that science is composed entirely of lies and not to be trusted. I don’t even care anymore, I have better things to do with the rest of my life.”

Friday, 17 August 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - August 17th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


All hail the mighty Hypnotoad!

A humorous mishap occurred during a live performance of the August 3rd issue of the Lethbridge Journal, and we accidentally replaced the middle story, ‘Welcome To Bikinis’, with an older piece about Noah Wyle’s ark. The piece that was replaced was perhaps the finest work I will ever create- pure, unfiltered journalism. Raw, like uncooked meat getting punched by Batman. I know in my heart that we could have easily won the Canadian small newspaper equivalent of a Pulitzer Prize with this stunning expose. Children would have wept in the streets, men would have raised me as their king, women would have been very aloof about it mostly, maybe even a little offended. Oh well, life goes on.

Kalamazoo Hullaballoo
Calgary, a city well-known for its labyrinth maze of underground fight clubs and pleasant cowboy aesthetic has claimed another victim. While visiting Calgary during the Stampede, but apparently not FOR the Stampede, off-duty Michigan police officer Walt Wawra and his wife were approached by a pair of gentlemen while walking through a park. In a detailed letter to the editor of the Calgary Herald, Mr. Wawra recounts what happened next: “They walked up to us and asked very aggressively if my wife and I had been to the Stampede,” he wrote, “Taking my passive-aggressive refusal to acknowledge their existence as an invitation to persist, they asked again in an uncomfortably friendly tone if I had been to the Stampede before offering me free passes. If I had had a gun to protect my wife and I from these lawless ruffians, the newspaper headlines would have been very different.” Because everybody knows what Calgary needs is another ‘Deranged Moron Slays Two’.

Why So Curious?
NASA has reportedly won a $50 bet with Russia that they can’t land a one-ton sedan-sized robot on the surface of a planet several hundred million miles away following the successful touchdown of the multi-billion-dollar Curiosity rover. The rover is equipped with the latest technology to help it search for signs that Mars supported life, including a little plastic shovel to take samples and a 4G LTE connection to make sure it can Tweet anything funny it might think of while driving around the barren wastelands. Scientists have high hopes for Curiosity, and as soon as they can NASA told reporters they would begin construction on a new rover in order to build a track and host the largest non-terrestrial go-kart race in the Solar System right there on Mars.

Friday, 3 August 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - August 3rd, 2012



I’m gonna blow your mind.

Not literally, calm down. You’ll still be alive in time for Yoga.

Chick-Fail-A
Popular American protein dispensary Chick-Fil-A has egg on its face following the public revelation that the famously devout company did not approve of Gay Marriage, and had for years been making donations to “Pro-Family” groups in an effort to stifle those pesky gays. Chick-Fil-A’s Senior VP of Yelling At The Press, Rooster Cogburn, was firm in his response to angry Liberals: “It’s not that we’re homophobic, it’s just that if God wanted them to marry he would’ve said something. The bible is like eight thousand pages long, I’m almost positive he could have slipped it in somewhere. You know, ‘And lo Jesus said unto his disciples ‘I’m cool if two dudes hook up and throw a sweet wedding’, something like that. But he didn’t, so marriage is for straight people, condoms are the devil’s raincoat, and you should eat our chicken sandwiches if you agree.” Competitors such as KFC have attempted to capitalise on the divisive issue by offering Pro-Gay menu items such as the rooster-based Cockmeat Sandwich, and by decorating their stores with sequins.

Welcome To Bikinis
Change has come to the small town of Bankersmith, Texas, and residents aren’t too happy. The town- though town may be a generous title- has been purchased by an entrepreneur named Doug Guller, who plans to rename it after his successful chain of sports bars. Guller’s website describes how in 2001 he ended up on in an Australian dive bar when an attractive young waitress approached to offer him a beer, presumably a Fosters.  That, says the website, was the moment when Bikinis Sports Bar and Grill was born. Billed as “America’s Only Sports Breastaurant™”, the franchise uses well-endowed women ‘dressed’ in bikinis to lure in lecherous Texans with promises of hot wings and beer, much like the Sirens of ancient Greece would attract a sailor. For his part, Guller hopes to turn his new town into a tourist destination. “If you build it and affix large breasts to every part of it, they will come.” he said, “They will come.”

DID YOU KNOW?
America has a long tradition of giving their towns really stupid names. Would you ever like to wash up in a place like…
-          Monkey Box, Florida
-          Beans, New Hampshire
-          Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico
-          Burnt Water, Arizona
-          Fleatown, Ohio
-          Toad Suck, Arkansas
-          Matlock, Washington

Friday, 20 July 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - July 20th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


Thunder buddies for life!

In local news, the City of Lethbridge has declared their new advertising campaign for public transit a complete, unqualified success. “More and more people are saying ‘I’ve had enough’ to their cars and they’re taking the bus or calling a cab,” said Lethbridge Killmaster Darth Vader, “So on the whole, we feel pretty good about this initiative.” Known as ‘Construction’, the citywide advertisements are large public art installations placed on residential streets, busy intersections, and the least convenient point between your house and wherever you work. By making driving so frustrating you throw your keys, goes the thinking, residents will pay through the nose to make somebody else suffer the task. So far? “Absolutely,” says Vader, “People are so freaking angry. Somebody spit on me yesterday. But who cares, I’m awesome.” The Killmaster then closed out his press conference with a guitar solo, BECAUSE.

Officials are warning residents to take more caution following the recent heat wave. “For God’s sake people, stop leaving your things in the sun!” begged Alberta’s Minister of Melting John Kelvin, “This includes pets, VHS tapes, senior citizens, coolers full of ice and human hearts, and Frosty the Snowman. They will melt, and probably ruin the back seat of your car or your couch or something and nobody needs that in this economy.”

In international news, the 2012 Olympics are set to debut in London in just one weeks’ time with both tension and excitement running high. As the world’s premiere athletic event sponsored entirely by companies that sell junk food, authorities fear that the large crowds of people will prove a tempting target for terrorists and hooligans alike. “Britain invented the sport of beating up ambulance drivers,” said Olympic Hall Monitor Winchester Boxworthingtonshire “I’d have to be pretty thick not to expect trouble, wouldn’t I? We’ve installed a bunch of nails on all our batons and filled several squirt guns with lemon juice; I am sure we’ll be fine. However, as a precaution we’ve also installed missile launchers on all of the city’s landmarks just in case an army of Daleks should happen to stop by.”

Friday, 6 July 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - July 6th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)



Oh, Canada!

I AM CANADIAN
By the time you read this, Canada Day will have come and gone; the drinks have been drunk, the hangovers have been hung over, and the Canadian Flag has once again been draped across your naked uncle. Take advantage of this historic newspaper retrospective to remember all the things that make you proud to be Canadian- such as our fine alcohol, bacon, and proximity to America!
Next time you’re having a slap-fight over which country is the best country, bust out these gems and remind everyone that Canada exists:
-          RIM and Nortel have driven confidence in the Canadian tech sector.
-          We’ve had healthcare for years, and it usually works.
-          I know I already mentioned our alcohol, but yeah. It’s good.
-          Poutine. It was given to Canada as a gift from the mighty god Odin to complement our excellent beer.
-          Canadian sunsets are objectively better than all others.
-          We’re better at pretending to know French when we really don’t.
-          The Chinese will spare us in World War III.
-          We have a vast number of towns, cities, and lakes with funny names.
-          Our money is colourful and made of magic.
-          Sometimes our politicians get bored of arguing and just tweet profanities.
-          Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms.

Watch Out!
Southern Alberta has begun the long, slow road to recovery following several devastating storms that left dozens of area residents with dramatic hard-to-see videos of lightning on their cellphones. Though scientists initially believed the storms to be caused by some sort of Soviet weather machine, less reasonable heads have prevailed and Environment Canada is investigating claims that the unusually heavy flow can be traced to a higher power. Fringe groups allege that God is displeased with mankind and has begun a second flood to cleanse the world of sin, which will then be commemorated with a double-rainbow and ice cream for the survivors. A Lethbridge man by the name of Noah Wyle (no relation) intends “to build some sort of boat, like a catamaran or a yacht” to save himself and his Pokemon saved games, and has invited two of every animal onboard “so [he] can catch ‘em all”. God could not be reached for comment. 

Friday, 22 June 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - June 22nd, 2012


Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

Keep Calm And Chive On!


Winnipeg Declared Hellhole By Some, “Not Bad” By Others
Patriotic Winnipegianites were enraged all over the Internet’s face recently when Twitter Personality and Wayne’s World Villain Rob Lowe possibly declared their fair city a “Hellhole”. The 48-year old former playboy was watching an NBA Final when the game was interrupted by Regional Politics. Lowe took to Twitter to complain about the minor inconvenience, ending his diatribe with the hashtag #trappedinahellhole. Canadians quickly lashed back at the West Wing star, with responses ranging from “Are you free this weekend? I’d love to give you a personal massage, naked” to “I will probably eat your family if you talk about my city again”. Experts ask people remain calm, as they have yet to locate Lowe’s hellhole and ascertain whether or not he is still trapped within it, but the media has been quick to stir the pot regardless. “It’s clear to me that this was a targeted attack on Canada’s urban infrastructure, and not just an offhand remark blown way out of proportion,” says Stupid Media expert Smack Dingleberry, “Rob Lowe said what all of America was already thinking: rarely interrupted sportscasts from American stations make Canada a crummy place to shoot TV movies for Lifetime.” No word yet if charges will be laid.

You’re Under Arrest, Now Watch Me Pop A Wheelie
The City of Lethbridge Regional Police Service has added two new members to their team of everyday crimefighters, The Justice Police: Two brand-spanking-new motorcycles named “Doomhammer” and “Twilight Sparkle”. Officers hope that the sick new wheels will create an avenue of outreach with the tightly-knit gangs of Biker Mice from Mars that run the city’s underground motorcycle enthusiast clubs, and have trained officers to use proper lingo when apprehending a biker. The bikes come with front and rear tires, combustion engines, and bulletproof plating for dramatic shootouts with drug kingpins. “People react very well to police officers on motorcycles, as opposed to regular bicycles or boring old cars,” said Police Chief McGruff the Crime Dog, “You WILL respect my authoritah!”

Corrections
Sometimes, in the pursuit of the truth, we omit the truth to create a better story. The writer of Twitter Guy, Dr. Alphonse de la Soul III, would like to apologize for several inaccuracies in the column printed on June 8th. Please mentally substitute the following next time you’re reading the June 8th issue of the Lethbridge Journal:
-          The cast of Spin City were not, are not, and probably won’t ever be, Vampires.
-          Coldplay are completely valid as musicians, except the one that named his daughter Apple Martin to make her future stripper name Apple Martini an easy pick.
-          I forgot this one.
-          The cast of True Blood are all Vampires, but they’ve learned to control their hunger so they pose no threat.
-          Serial Break and Enter suspect The Tooth Fairy was not shot dead in The Rainbow Room as initially reported, but was shot later in the desert and died en route to hospital.
-          Juggling Chainsaws should only be performed after a minimum of three beers, or two beers and a shot of Drambuie.

Friday, 8 June 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - June 8th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Once.

Popular religious institution “The Vatican” was put on blast when the Pope’s butler was caught leaking documents to the press as part of an elaborate political game where two old guys in funny hats intended to discredit these two OTHER old guys in funny hats. The Vatican’s producers, Erik Summers and Yam Kapoor, say they got the idea from an episode of Jersey Shore. “It was the one where somebody got caught talking smack,” said Summers, “And it struck us as the perfect way to make the church relevant to today’s disaffected youth.” Kapoor agreed. “All teens love two things: backroom politics and a hot nun in a bikini. Keep watching kids, Sundays at 9pm ET/8pm Central!” For his part, the Pope’s butler was trite: “I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling Jesus!”

Police in Miami are investigating a possible Zombie outbreak following an incident of homeless cannibalism. A spokesman for a shady government agency told reporters that his department plans to quarantine the city in a vain attempt to contain and study the outbreak. “Based on our estimates, we have between two and three movies before we lose control of the situation and the virus gets loose due to incompetence,” said the spokesman, “After that, we believe that the most likely outcome is a conflict between a group of valiant survivors and The Man In Black, Randall Flagg. In the meantime, our power-mad lead scientists hope to learn as much as they can from the disease, before our dreams of playing God end in an ironic death at the hands of our creations. I mean, their creations. Like, Iran or somebody, probably. Not us.”

A scandalous new book has the American government in a tizzy as new allegations come to light that US President Barack Obama may have smoked deadly, highly addictive Marijuanas as a young man. Democratic aides were quick to attempt damage control at a White House Continental Breakfast following the reveal. “We will admit, this was kind of a bummer, but Obama stands a very good chance of reconnecting with the vital apathetic stoner youth vote as the story breaks,” said Press Secretary Jay “Kush” Carney, “The President has arranged for a tour of college dorm rooms across the nation to discuss the merits of Doritos versus Pringles, and the artistic value of Pink Floyd albums.” Republican Candidate Mitt Romney was surprised by allegations that a young black male growing up in a troubled home might turn to drugs, but insisted that he too “hit the bong” so as not to appear “square” to hip voters.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - May 25th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)


And here we are again;
Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.

Unrest continues in Quebec as students protest a potential tuition hike by smashing police cars and yelling at politicians. “They’re like Americans with their taxes,” says Quebecologist Dr. Jacques French, “It doesn’t matter that what they pay now is low or even unsustainable compared to the rest of Canada, they simply cannot accept it going up. We’re talking about the kinds of people who wreck a shop display because Coke went up by $0.10.” Many taxpayers have been unsympathetic to the cause as well. “I appreciate that they want school to be accessible to all,” said Montreal mother Jean Dough, “but things are expensive. Get used to the idea. C’est la vie, it sucks, move on and stop breaking my shop windows.”

Skechers, the company behind popular toning shoes such as “Shape-Ups”, has agreed to a $40 million settlement for consumers who believed claims that the $100 sneakers would help them lose weight. The company may still sell the shoes in question, but is no longer allowed to make any claim that the shoe assists in losing weight or toning muscles. In response, Skechers is planning to unveil a comprehensive new marketing strategy that will focus primarily on consumers who are oblivious to fashion trends and adore products they believe to be comfortable, such as those who purchase high-priced yoga pants but do not do yoga, and those who wear Crocs.

In game news, the long-awaited sequel to millions of ruined childhoods, “Diablo III”, was recently released to mortal men for the first time, following a protracted development period of several thousand years. However, the release was marred by catastrophic server failures as every single gamer on the face of the Earth attempted to log on and play the game at the same exact time, exposing several flaws in developer Blizzard’s “Always-Online” internet requirement. Relationship and Addiction counselors are warning people with a Diablo player in the house to approach with caution once the servers are back online, as they may mistake you for a demon and attempt to loot your desecrated corpse for magic items once they begin playing.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - May 11th, 2012



Stay a while, and listen!

Toronto-based think-tank ‘Professor Xavier’s Institute for the Mentally Interesting’ has published a new report calling for the replacement of Tasers with a “more lethal non-lethal weapon, or weaponized animal”. The lead author of the report, Admiral Heinz Ketchup, explained the Institute’s findings: “From 2001-2012, Tasers were only responsible for a few hundred deaths in the United States and most of them just hit their head on the way down. In the same period, guns successfully killed tens of thousand of otherwise completely healthy people! We feel the military-industrial complex could be doing a much more effective job of non-lethally killing naked people at the airport.” The report suggests, among other weapons, a “Crossbow tipped with poison from Amazonian Dart Frogs” and “Some sort of microwave gun that would make the target soil themselves”.

Financial consultants have issued warnings to their clients that the Canadian Bird Housing bubble is at risk of collapse. “As Canadian birds accrue more and more personal debt, we find it hard to recommend taking out a mortgage or loan on your birdhouse,” says the warning from accounting firm Sylvester and Tweety. “Birds are migratory animals with almost no equity. Unlike Squirrels or Chipmunks they very rarely have anything saved for the harsh winter months, which makes long-term planning difficult... and they often make chickenfeed compared to other animals in similar jobs.” Experts believe that while the economy is currently taking a birdbath, a recovery is inevitable as long as everyone keeps saying it.

The United States government has released a series of letters recovered from Osama bin Laden’s stronghold, many of which express dismay at the state of the world “Can you believe who got voted off the X Factor last night?” reads one, “A jihad upon Simon Cowell!” Another letter expresses dismay and self-doubt. “I just feel like I blew my big chance, you know? We really had something going, but I just wasn’t a strong enough leader to keep the momentum. It’s so frustrating! Plus, Akbar also brought me the last episode of LOST yesterday, and I was so disappointed I cried.”


Friday, 27 April 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - April 27th, 2012



You guys again!

Since there was no way to know for sure who was going to win this past Alberta Election by my deadline, as a cop-out I present to you a POLITICAL MAD LIB. Bust out those grapes and elephants and start dancing!

Congratulations, (Name)! You are the (Number)st/nd/rd/th winner of the (Location) General Election for the year of (Year)! Assuming you are not later (Form of Punishment, Past Tense) for cheating your way to office, you’re in for a heck of a(n) (Unit of Time). Boy, it sure was funny when (Name) said (Hilarious Political Gaffe or Unlikely Promise) to the (Plural Voter Demographic)! That was a doozy! But what a(n) (Adjective) race, I almost didn’t think you were going to win until the end there. But you ultimately ran the (Adjective) campaign, and the (Adjective) (Noun) won. Good luck with balancing your (Noun) with all those (Plural Noun) you made! Hopefully, you’ll still lead all the (Plural Noun) of (Location) to a(n) (Adjective) tomorrow!

In local news, a Fort Macleod couple was found alive last week after vanishing during a day trip to Fernie. The couple, Anja and Jacob Oosterwijk, say they became stuck in snow after attempting to chase a mysterious white rabbit that cut them off on the highway screaming “I’m late! I’M LATE!” Friends say the two are re-integrating into modern society quickly after 72 hours away and are already remembering fragments of their former lives. “They’ve already been checking their eBay bids, and we hope to wean them onto people food as soon as they tell us they’re ready.”

Norwegian Crackpot and Mass Murderer Anders Breivik took the stand at his trial last week, hoping to vindicate his political views on immigration by explaining in cold detail how completely sane it was for him to plan for a teen massacre by playing World of Warcraft for 16 hours a day. Breivik also told the court that he trained with the popular Call of Duty game Modern Warfare 2 to get a feel for aiming using iron sights, an act equivalent with using a Need For Speed game to prepare for your Driver’s Test, or Pong to prepare for Wimbledon. Norway has been spellbound by the entire affair, and the deep damage wrought by such a deeply political assault on their youth may affect the country for years to come- and that’s no joke.


Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Some Thoughts On Allan Hunsperger


Prepare to get smacked in the face with my baseball bat of truth.

Here’s the pitch: A year ago a guy- who as it happens is a Pastor/Priest/Funny Hat Guy- makes a post on his blog about his feelings on homosexuals, which boil down to “If you’re gay, you’re going to spend an eternity being tortured for it in a lake of fire.” How Christian of him.

Here’s how I imagine he thinks of it:

Archangel Gabriel: “GOD! We fucked up, there’s a bug in humanity!”
God: “MOTHERFUCK. What is it this time, are they still spontaneously combusting?”
Gabe: “Well, yes, but less now. But also, a significant percentage of them have a manufacturing defect where they want to have sex with people of the same gender.”
God: “ME DAMN IT. Listen, it’s too late to fix it now, the order has already shipped. 800 billion humans are on a truck bound for Earth, so we’re going to have to think of something.”
Gabe: “What about that book you’re writing?”
God: “My novel? I guess I could Ayn Rand some shit in about these... uh... we’ll call them ‘Gays’ because this is totally gay- and hope that thousands of years from now a bunch of noble crusaders will make internet posts treating the broken ones as less than human.”
Gabe: “BRILLIANT. Now what do you want to do about those ‘Jews’?”
God: “That’s what the crazy moustache guy was for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go send my only son to get nailed to a giant lowercase ‘t’ because I love the properly assembled humans.”



When does something become hate speech and not just free speech? When is it discrimination? Because this guy is running for public office, and while his party leader has promised they will not legislate based on social issues, he doesn’t just become a different person when he gets elected. He will make decisions based on his personal beliefs because THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE DO, and this could lead to a conflict of interest- what if a homosexual constituent needs his help? What if a homosexual’s company is bidding for a government contract?
So you believe gays should be tortured for an eternity for being gay, the same as if they were rapists and murderers? As if they were adulterers, thieves, slanderers, and liars? I believe that a ‘just’ God would throw you in with them.

The difference between being Christian and Christ-like is simple: A Christian is a member of a book club, while somebody who is Christ-like actually read the book. You’re no better than the Pharisees your saviour struggled with, caught up in traps of words and morals, completely missing the messages of peace and tolerance. Turn the other cheek and accept that gays are and always have been part of the human race. We have much more important shit to deal with.

Also, I vote we start calling this kind of thing "Hunsperger Syndrome", just because.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - April 13th, 2012


Attention, Attention!

I’d just like to open by saying: RED DOG IS OPEN AGAIN AND NOBODY TOLD ME. I’M SO FREAKIN MAD AT YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW.

As an election rages across Alberta, innocent demographics are being caught in the crossfire. Youth voters are being bombarded with promises of lower and even non-existent tuitions, as well as highly optimistic ‘GET OUT AND VOTE’ Facebook groups. Meanwhile seniors, mankind’s most vulnerable demographic, have been lured in by traps such as lower to non-existent young people and highly optimistic ‘GET OUT AND BE ACTIVE’ tax credits. Facing an extremely difficult fight, the PCs have even resorted to promising to fix everything they broke- including but not limited to the Education system and Healthcare. The Wildrose party, knowing the fastest route to a voter’s heart is by shouting KALI MA and tearing it out, has resorted to a scandalous tour bus and promised to hand out Ralph Bucks Danielle Dollars.

One’s an innie and one’s an outie.

The Federal Conservatives have come under heavy fire following a report by Canada’s Auditor General that says the government significantly undersold the costs associated with purchasing unfinished fighter jets. Department of National Defence representative Rex Violence told reporters at a press conference last week that the original quote was “just the cost of the entry-level model”, which has a 5-speed manual transmission and lacks many key features the government was looking for. “Well first off, our guys don’t drive stick.” said Violence, “Never have, never will. Second, since Lockheed is offering 0% financing and $250,000 in free options, we opted to select the LX Package and a Block Heater because, you know, CANADA.” Though he declined to discuss the full details of the LX Package, Violence did imply that National Defence was thinking about going for the heated leather seats, larger cupholders, and an on-board Blu-Ray player instead of the chrome trim and extended cab favoured by the Americans. Opposition leader Brian Mulcair is demanding the government also add an iPod hookup “for long trips”, which Harper rejected as “we have enough CDs”, although the PM did bow to Mulcair’s request for Microsoft SYNC voice controls.




HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Be prepared to make sacrifices to get that solid-gold toilet you’ve always dreamed of. Consider trading in your chrome-plated Dodge Grand Caravan, or at least giving it back to the rapper your stole it from. He needs to get his kids to school in style, and the Lambo is in the shop.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
With Mars in alignment and sunshine on the way, now is your chance to bust out your classic 80s leisure suit and cruise around to your collection of Miami Vice soundtrack albums. Don’t let it get too far out of hand though- the music of the show alone is enough to spontaneously start a massive shootout in any nearby warehouses, marinas, or crack dens.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You need to stop telling people you would totally win at the Hunger Games, you can’t even walk to the gas station for a pack of smokes and a Red Bull without getting winded. And you live a block away from the gas station. And it’s downhill both ways. Why did we let MC Escher design your neighbourhood? I don’t know. Now take the wall stairs to your upside-down room and think about the rules of perspective.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
You’re not the only one who cringes when you have to tell people your sign is ‘Cancer’ because the stupid disease has completely ruined your reputation. Since a Cancer Awareness benefit will just lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings, your only options are to lie and claim you’re an Aries or rebrand your sign as CRABMEAT, the sign of the zodiac that’s great with lemon zest.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You should 100% absolutely make your engagement party Lord of the Rings themed. In fact, you should dress up like Aragorn and Arwen and say the whole ‘One Ring To Rule Them All’ speech before vanishing into thin air and making off to Lothlórien (or Aruba if there are no flights to Middle Earth) with all the gifts. You’d get so much nerd cred, the internet might explode.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your allergies will return with the advent of spring, but thankfully there’s a blue Reactine truck driving around distributing pills to people who are mildly inconvenienced by pollen and cats! If you see it, or the incredibly excited man driving it, please contact the police immediately as he is wanted for possession with intent to distribute.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
The answer you need for your crossword puzzle is “Nebbish”. No, wait, because then that makes 10 Across “Phlegb”. Well hold on, how is 15 Down “Antidisestablishmentarianism” if 13 Across is “Screwdriver”? What do you mean, nothing else fits? Try Cement Mixer. No? Are you sure there’s no ‘X’ in 14 Down (‘Trains’)? That’s it, I’m going to get a lighter and we’re going to finish this puzzle book the old-fashioned way. (The clue for 13 Across was ‘To Fix a Drink’)

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
According to your date’s Plenty Of Fish profile, they like long walks on the beach and attending white power meetings. That seems like an odd thing to advertise- Lethbridge doesn’t have any beaches! Well, I guess you could just walk around Henderson, but that’s really only for people who love the smell of algae and cigarette butts with their romantic exercise.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The number one cause of nerd suicide is hard drive failure. Remember to back up all your genuinely important files as soon as possible, because once those lolcat photos are gone they’re gone forever. Well, unless you have enough money to have them recovered, but with 12 gigs of cats saved in “My Photos” I’m honestly surprised you even have a job.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
How many Capricorns does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but first they have to consult their horoscope to find out if they’ll succeed or not. You will not.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’ll have to use your ingenuity and sense of social tact this week to tell your boss their fly is down at an important annual conference. May I suggest using a bullhorn to announce ‘XYZ- EXAMINE YOUR ZIPPER’ or the ever classy giant sign that says ‘NEXT YEAR, WEAR UNDERWEAR’. They’ll probably get the message.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Bring a slice of Turtles Cheesecake to the tree behind Father Leonard Van Tighem and leave it in an unmarked bag. If you do this, your next horoscope will be very, VERY good. If you don’t, you’ll probably get fleas or something. What am I, a psychic?

Birthday!
It’s your birthday, so celebrate with an erotic cake (support a local business too!).  Do you go with ‘Milky Milky Cocoa Puffs’ or ‘Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Vagina’?

(If that is too risqué, alternative is below)

Fun fact- Flammable and Inflammable mean the same thing, which is what the firefighters are going to tell you after you start filling balloons for your birthday party while smoking a cigarette. Imagine the Hindenburg, but with everybody using chipmunk voices because of the helium.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Game Review: SSX (2012)



SSX


Developer: EA Canada
Publisher: EA Sports
Released: February 28th, 2012
PS3/XBOX360


                For me, sports games are like Guitar Hero games: I’ve played them occasionally over the years, I’ve liked some, I’ve hated some, but I’ve never personally owned one. The list of sports and sports-related games I’ve played is actually fairly substantial given the circumstances, but as a child of the 90s the ones that really made an impression were universally extreme sports games (and Mario Power Tennis). Games like the Tony Hawk series (Underground was my favourite, but Pro Skater is getting the HD treatment soon), assorted racing games in which things explode, and- stop me if I get nostalgic- 1080 Snowboarding for the Nintendo 64. Sing the character select screen music with me! “Work your body w-work your body! Work you body w-work your body! (GET DOWN!) W-w-w-w-w-w (PUSH IT OUT! WOO!)” ((A quick check of YouTube has revealed 1080 sucked, but as a kid I thought it was the shit, so shut up))

               So when I downloaded the SSX demo, it tweaked a part of my brain that has been thoroughly ignored by my normal go-to games. The path to winning in SSX isn’t over the corpses of racist teenagers, robots, dragons, or guys who look vaguely different than I do. In fact, unless somebody falls into a big hole and forgets which button rewinds time, nobody dies at all in SSX! How novel.


Story

I’m sure it plays better if you’ve been a fan since the first SSX came out in 2000, but the gist of the story is as follows: Team SSX (Snowboarding, Surfing, and Motocross, if memory serves) has fallen on hard times. Former friend Griff Simmons has left the team and taken most of their sponsors with him, forcing them to turn to their fans for support. SSX co-founder Zoe Payne has a plan though: the team is going to travel to 9 mountain ranges around the world and conquer the unconquerable ‘Deadly Descent’ at each one, broadcasting the feats online to pump up their fans and outshine Griff. The only problem is, Griff has the same idea and he’s already one step ahead...

The story isn’t going to win any awards, but the presentation sure might. As you enter each region, Zoe will introduce you to the hazards you’ll face and which SSX member you’ll be facing them with. The videos do a great job of capturing the scale and feel of each mountain range, and the final reveal of what makes each descent so darn deadly is always cool. Less successful are the motion comics that you unlock with each new SSX boarder. While they’re meant to fill out the backstory on each character, they mostly boil down to well-drawn rehashes of the same two or three character types. This guy needs to see how far he can push himself (the way to find out, the comic suggests, is by wrapping yourself in body armor and getting hit by a semi truck), that girl loves extreme sports but snowboarding is the best, this girl is bubbly and loves danger, etc... They’re not bad, just not quite as interesting as they think they are.

Gameplay

                The game locks off all the good stuff until you’ve done two short-ish tutorials, the first of which throws you out of a helicopter thousands of metres above a mountain range to teach you how to dougie get you acquainted with the air controls. You can opt to use either buttons or the right thumbstick to start various grabs, and the game will ask which you’d prefer to see prompts for during the tutorial. Personally I went for the face buttons, as I tried the whole ‘stick’ control scheme with Skate 3 and my guy ate a lot of pavement. A medically unsafe amount of pavement. But that’s because I suck, not because the controls don’t work, so pick your poison I guess and try them both to see what works for you. Both control sets are always available so there’s no digging through menus to swap them out, you can just yell at the buttons and leave them for the thumbstick halfway down a mountain. After the air tutorial you get a quick ground run to try out your new moves and then it’s off to wreck up some powder. If you really want something different, you CAN go digging in some menus and set the control scheme to ‘Classic’. I didn’t take to them personally as I have no allegiance to ‘tradition’ in gaming, but if you liked it the old way then SSX has you covered.

               In addition to your movement and trick buttons, you get a few other abilities: You can hold down the left trigger to grind environmental hazards such as trees and ridges, you hold the right trigger to use your boost, and you can rewind time if you fling yourself off a cliff by holding the left bumper/L1 button. Rewinding time costs you valuable points and doesn’t stop the clock during races, so use it sparingly. In addition, while doing tricks you can hold down the right trigger to ‘Tweak’ them, which makes you pull cooler moves and nets you tons of points. Whenever you fill your boost gauge you enter ‘Tricky’ mode, which gives you infinite boost and allows you to pull EVEN MORE SICK MOVES. Hold down the left and right trigger while doing a grab in Tricky mode to pull the most insane stuff you’ve ever seen- and if you fill your Tricky bar you’ll enter Super Tricky. Pulling both triggers while busting a grab in Super Tricky will perform your ‘Signature Move’, which I’m sure I don’t need to tell you is worth more points than you thought possible. You’ll see.


                Each character has a set of stat bonuses that affect their Speed, Boost, Tricks, and effectiveness with particular kinds of gear. Each Deadly Descent will require a specific piece of equipment to properly survive, such as the wingsuit, O2 tank, armor, and pulse goggles. In World Tour mode you’ll automatically acquire the necessary gear, but you can buy better pieces with the credits you earn for finishing runs and pulling tricks. You can also buy ‘Mods’ to increase your speed, boost, and more. Each mod lasts for as long as you remain on the same run, even through multiple restarts and finishes, and you can change your equipment at any time before you start moving down the slopes.


                I’ll get right to the nut though, so here goes: I love how this game plays. The controls are tight, responsive, and it feels good to hold a trick until the last minute without bailing. Grinding is satisfying, the air is awesome, what more do you want?

Multiplayer

                In addition to the ‘World Tour’ mode you also get ‘Explore’ mode. In Explore you can race or trick every drop in the game, although some courses you will have to pay to unlock using your hard-earned credits. As you post times and high scores, your friends can challenge your ‘Ghost’ to try and set the new record. The ghost is a recording of their best run, or your personal best if you’re top dog, and it leaves a glowing trail down the mountain so you can see which way your friend went. You’ll receive a decent amount of cash for beating a friend on a run, and even more if they fail to beat you later. The ghost system is an excellent example of asynchronous multiplayer and already I’ve dumped hours of my life into topping a buddy’s time. (As of this writing, I beat his last time by 7 hundredths of a second and it’s already an incredibly fast run at a minute and seventeen seconds. He’s going to KILL me.) This is supplemented by ‘SSX Radio’, which is in essence a ‘Cross-Match Voice Chat’ for groups of friends, like a Ventrilo server for snowboarders. This means you can talk shit to your friends when you’re both playing SSX, even if (and here comes the elephant in the room) you can’t actually directly play competitive multiplayer with each other.


                Yeah, it sucks. You can’t set up a private run with just you and your buddies, you have to race their ghost. No choice, no option, nothing. You cannot both be in the same race at the same time against each other. It’s a big omission, nearly a deal breaker, but believe me when I say that the Explore mode and the RiderNet system do an incredible job of making it up to you. You won’t really miss it in the end, at least not as much as you might think. Would it still be nice? Yeah. But you can’t have everything. Speaking of RiderNet, it’s basically the AutoLog from Need For Speed rebranded and cleaned up. It tracks all of your friends and keeps you updated on their progress in Explore, letting you know when and where you got your butt whooped and how much you’ll get for going back and setting the record straight. RiderNet is one of those features you didn’t know you wanted until you got it, and you found out what you were missing.


                Finally, there are Global Events. Global Events are large time-sensitive competitions bearing huge prize pools with thousands upon thousands of players competing for a piece of the action. The credits you can win are determined by how well you do: if you score high enough you’ll be placed in specific ‘brackets’ that are awarded a percentage of the money. The bar for entry into the highest brackets is typically unreasonable, but that’s what it takes to score millions on a single run. The events with the most tempting honey pots typically charge a large fee for entering, so take care and make sure you’re not about to blow 200k on a race you can’t win.

Graphics

                This game is gorgeous. If it were a lady, all the boy games would fall over themselves to court her. Every run has a distinct look and feel, the atmosphere of each mountain range is spot-on, and there is basically nowhere on these courses you can’t go. When somebody says they want to see a classic they loved brought into the HD generation, they don’t mean ‘Slap some Anti-Aliasing on it and clean up two or three textures’, they mean SSX. It’s sharp, quick, varied, and full of personality. The frame rate is smooth as silk as well with not even a hint of slowdown when things get hairy. Seriously, this game is phenomenally put together.

Sound

                As a direct result of this soundtrack I am now a fan of like eight bands/artists I didn’t listen to before. It’s got upbeat, fun tracks, and it’s got some great moody material for the night-time runs through Siberia and a live volcano inside Kilimanjaro. Everything is crisp, it sounds amaaaaazing in surround sound, and the effects are killer. The game remixes the music based on your performance, dropping it out when you hit big air and throwing in ‘It’s Tricky’ when you hit Tricky mode. You can customize the soundtrack to your liking, and even add your own music to races and menus. It’s hard to describe it without hearing it, but they’ve done a top-notch job here. Just... make sure you can at least tolerate dubstep first, because there’s a lot of it. A lot, a lot.

Wrap-Up

                As somebody who wasn’t really a fan of this kind of game until SSX, I’ve been hard-pressed to explain what drew me to it. Ultimately, I believe the quality of the presentation is what sold me on the game, and the robust multiplayer options overcome the lack of direct competition to keep the game in rotation long after many others have fallen. I myself balked considerably at paying $60 for it, given the odds of a price drop sometime in the future, but ultimately it’s well worth the price of admission with the replay and production value EA Canada has built in. And guys, if this hits even $50, pick it up, it’s a load of fun.