Oh, Canada!
I AM CANADIAN
By the time you read this, Canada Day will have come and
gone; the drinks have been drunk, the hangovers have been hung over, and the
Canadian Flag has once again been draped across your naked uncle. Take
advantage of this historic newspaper retrospective to remember all the things
that make you proud to be Canadian- such as our fine alcohol, bacon, and
proximity to America!
Next time you’re having a slap-fight over which country is
the best country, bust out these gems and remind everyone that Canada exists:
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We’ve had healthcare for years, and it usually
works.
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I know I already mentioned our alcohol, but yeah.
It’s good.
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Poutine. It was given to Canada as a gift from
the mighty god Odin to complement our excellent beer.
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Canadian sunsets are objectively better than all
others.
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We’re better at pretending to know French when
we really don’t.
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The Chinese will spare us in World War III.
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We have a vast number of towns, cities, and
lakes with funny names.
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Our money is colourful and made of magic.
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Sometimes our politicians get bored of arguing
and just tweet profanities.
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Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements
as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the
Pope, and nice red uniforms.
Watch Out!
Southern Alberta has begun the long, slow road to recovery
following several devastating storms that left dozens of area residents with
dramatic hard-to-see videos of lightning on their cellphones. Though scientists
initially believed the storms to be caused by some sort of Soviet weather
machine, less reasonable heads have prevailed and Environment Canada is
investigating claims that the unusually heavy flow can be traced to a higher
power. Fringe groups allege that God is displeased with mankind and has begun a
second flood to cleanse the world of sin, which will then be commemorated with
a double-rainbow and ice cream for the survivors. A Lethbridge man by the name
of Noah Wyle (no relation) intends “to build some sort of boat, like a
catamaran or a yacht” to save himself and his Pokemon saved games, and has
invited two of every animal onboard “so [he] can catch ‘em all”. God could not
be reached for comment.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Much like a mob contractor might construct a house, a
sandwich artist at Subway is going to build you a lunch that looks fantastic
until you touch it. Then it will all somehow come apart and next thing you
know, you’re living in a box licking sub sauce off the wrapper.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You will be exposed to high-energy radiation travelling at
thousands of kilometers an hour if you go outside this week, or ever. You will
also be exposed to different, equally fast high-energy radiation if you stay
inside near a television, laptop, microwave, cell phone, bread maker, or
toilet.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
A crisis of faith will lead you into the arms one of the
seventeen true religions, though hopefully not one of the ones where you drink
suspicious punch dressed like a tanning salon victim. They’re actually
completely right about the UFO behind the comet, it’s just that it’s kind of a cramped
spaceship and it’s a long afterlife.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
As a fan of Harry Potter, it’s going to KILL you to know
that I looked into it and it turns at least one of your children is going to
attend Hogwarts. Muggle life isn’t all bad you know, you may not get to try
Butterbeer but at least you’ll probably never get set on fire by a Blast-ended
Skrewt.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
People fear anybody who is confident or assertive, so avoid
making eye contact or talking to anyone for a while. This was a test, and you
failed: If you were genuinely confident you’d already have slapped me for presuming
to tell you what to do.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
It is terrible form to wear a wedding dress to somebody
else’s wedding, but at least the consensus is that you and/or your significant
other wore the dress much better. I’m not catty enough to make anything more
than an educated fashion guess, but I assume that’s not much of a consolation
for the bride.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
It was true what you told your friends for years: You really
would kill for Tapioca pudding. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little
impressed, and terrified.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Cancer may not be getting set on fire this week, but you
will be. Dress accordingly, and wear sunscreen.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You put your mind to it, and now your hard work is starting
to pay off. This seems like an opportune moment to rest on your laurels and
ease up on the reins a little bit, because no harm ever came from enjoying your
success before you’d earned it fully.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The cosmic powers of the universe were pretty solid on this
one: If you ever want to find true love again, clean your room. Your socks are
breeding under the bed and soon they’ll create a new species of mutant attack
sock.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
If you’re passionate about an idea, run with it. There
absolutely HAS to be a market for a website featuring naked people reading
Shakespeare aloud and acting out the scenes together.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
Birthday
Expect 400+ Birthday wishes on Facebook, and maybe three
actual gifts. Looks like 397+ of your so-called ‘Friends’ only like you for the
funny photos you spam their news feed with.
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