Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)
Keep Calm And Chive On!
Winnipeg Declared
Hellhole By Some, “Not Bad” By Others
Patriotic Winnipegianites were enraged all over the
Internet’s face recently when Twitter Personality and Wayne’s World Villain Rob
Lowe possibly declared their fair city a “Hellhole”. The 48-year old former
playboy was watching an NBA Final when the game was interrupted by Regional
Politics. Lowe took to Twitter to complain about the minor inconvenience,
ending his diatribe with the hashtag #trappedinahellhole. Canadians quickly
lashed back at the West Wing star, with responses ranging from “Are you free
this weekend? I’d love to give you a personal massage, naked” to “I will
probably eat your family if you talk about my city again”. Experts ask people
remain calm, as they have yet to locate Lowe’s hellhole and ascertain whether
or not he is still trapped within it, but the media has been quick to stir the
pot regardless. “It’s clear to me that this was a targeted attack on Canada’s
urban infrastructure, and not just an offhand remark blown way out of
proportion,” says Stupid Media expert Smack Dingleberry, “Rob Lowe said what
all of America was already thinking: rarely interrupted sportscasts from
American stations make Canada a crummy place to shoot TV movies for Lifetime.”
No word yet if charges will be laid.
You’re Under Arrest,
Now Watch Me Pop A Wheelie
The City of Lethbridge Regional Police Service has added two
new members to their team of everyday crimefighters, The Justice Police: Two
brand-spanking-new motorcycles named “Doomhammer” and “Twilight Sparkle”.
Officers hope that the sick new wheels will create an avenue of outreach with
the tightly-knit gangs of Biker Mice from Mars that run the city’s underground
motorcycle enthusiast clubs, and have trained officers to use proper lingo when
apprehending a biker. The bikes come with front and rear tires, combustion
engines, and bulletproof plating for dramatic shootouts with drug kingpins. “People
react very well to police officers on motorcycles, as opposed to regular
bicycles or boring old cars,” said Police Chief McGruff the Crime Dog, “You
WILL respect my authoritah!”
Corrections
Sometimes, in the pursuit of the truth, we omit the truth to
create a better story. The writer of Twitter Guy, Dr. Alphonse de la Soul III,
would like to apologize for several inaccuracies in the column printed on June
8th. Please mentally substitute the following next time you’re
reading the June 8th issue of the Lethbridge Journal:
-
The cast of Spin City were not, are not, and
probably won’t ever be, Vampires.
-
Coldplay are completely valid as musicians,
except the one that named his daughter Apple Martin to make her future stripper
name Apple Martini an easy pick.
-
I forgot this one.
-
The cast of True Blood are all Vampires, but
they’ve learned to control their hunger so they pose no threat.
-
Serial Break and Enter suspect The Tooth Fairy
was not shot dead in The Rainbow Room as initially reported, but was shot later
in the desert and died en route to hospital.
-
Juggling Chainsaws should only be performed
after a minimum of three beers, or two beers and a shot of Drambuie.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
This week will find you down on yourself and low on
motivation. This is the work of a dark wizard who was wronged by your Great
Grandfather several generations ago but couldn’t find you on ancestry.ca until
recently.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Everybody in the office is pretending your work buddy is
imaginary to make you question the fabric of reality. Turn the tables by
slipping them hallucinogenic mushrooms and walking around work in a furry
t-shirt that they aren’t allowed to touch.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Non-traditional pizza toppings will bring excitement into
your life the way that nothing else can. I’m personally a fan of Coconut Squid
and Corn, but you could add Foie Gras or crickets to kick your dining
experience to the next level.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Seize onto that lifelong dream of co-authoring a Cookbook!
You can start by subjecting your family to years of experimental dishes as you
strive to perfect that Fettuccini Carbonara recipe that you found in a Company’s
Coming book.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
As we slowly approach a possible global economic depression,
the wise individual will recognize that a new set of skills will become
necessary to survive. Practice collecting food stamps, eating things past their
expiration date, and jumping on and off moving trains as you roam from town to
town seeking employment.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Creating a Sims version of everybody who has ever done you
wrong and selling the ladder while they’re in the pool is a temptation we all
know very well, but the cops are starting to get suspicious. Next time, just
make them prepare dinner with no cooking skill so it looks like an accident and
not petty virtual revenge.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This year while preparing your Summer Mix CDs, there are a
few holdovers from adolescence that you could probably stand to leave out.
First up, that Move It Move It song from Madagascar- the movie came out in 2005
and it was alright, but in 2012 people will reflexively kick you in the
pancreas for playing the song.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Family matters will demand the majority of your attention
moving into July, but once you’re on vacation you can ditch the kids in the
pool and double back to the buffet- they’re the resort’s problem for the next 5
days. Cancel your credit card as soon as you get home though, for safety.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
It is a tribute to how comfortable you are with yourself
that you buy all your underwear off eBay. Take them off if you notice an itchy
burning sensation, and keep an eye out for counterfeits. As an example, Kalvin
Cline brand briefs probably aren’t actually work $500 for a three pack.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
The reason your counterfeit underwear isn’t selling on eBay
is because you’re starting the bid too high. People have tremendous trouble
detecting a scam in the face of indescribable savings on underpants, you must
let them bid themselves up to what you want.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
If you’re over at a Gemini’s house in the next couple of
days, insist on buying your own pizza or you’re gonna get something gross like
Mango-Buffalo and Pineapple. Make sure to save your work often, as I see a
catastrophic computer crash in your near future that could erase hours of idly
surfing the net and pretending to work on reports.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Be polite to the person on the other end of the Customer
Service phone number, they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Many of
them had hopes and dreams, before they were stuck fielding calls from your
drunk self at 2pm on a Tuesday demanding to know why your brand new cell phone
can only make calls when the battery is in it. BECAUSE SCIENCE, THAT’S WHY.
Birthday
Congratulations, you ticked the odometer over one step
closer to the sweet release of death. It would almost be an accomplishment if
you didn’t have to share it with the hundreds of thousands of people who were
born on the same day as you and have stayed alive despite mother nature’s most
feverish attempts at pruning the family tree. At least you got gift cards this
year.
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