I once knew a man from Nantucket.
Once.
Popular religious institution “The Vatican” was put on blast
when the Pope’s butler was caught leaking documents to the press as part of an
elaborate political game where two old guys in funny hats intended to discredit
these two OTHER old guys in funny hats. The Vatican’s producers, Erik Summers
and Yam Kapoor, say they got the idea from an episode of Jersey Shore. “It was
the one where somebody got caught talking smack,” said Summers, “And it struck
us as the perfect way to make the church relevant to today’s disaffected
youth.” Kapoor agreed. “All teens love two things: backroom politics and a hot
nun in a bikini. Keep watching kids, Sundays at 9pm ET/8pm Central!” For his
part, the Pope’s butler was trite: “I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it
wasn’t for that meddling Jesus!”
Police in Miami are investigating a possible Zombie outbreak
following an incident of homeless cannibalism. A spokesman for a shady
government agency told reporters that his department plans to quarantine the
city in a vain attempt to contain and study the outbreak. “Based on our
estimates, we have between two and three movies before we lose control of the
situation and the virus gets loose due to incompetence,” said the spokesman,
“After that, we believe that the most likely outcome is a conflict between a
group of valiant survivors and The Man In Black, Randall Flagg. In the
meantime, our power-mad lead scientists hope to learn as much as they can from
the disease, before our dreams of playing God end in an ironic death at the
hands of our creations. I mean, their creations. Like, Iran or somebody,
probably. Not us.”
A scandalous new book has the American government in a tizzy
as new allegations come to light that US President Barack Obama may have smoked
deadly, highly addictive Marijuanas as a young man. Democratic aides were quick
to attempt damage control at a White House Continental Breakfast following the
reveal. “We will admit, this was kind of a bummer, but Obama stands a very good
chance of reconnecting with the vital apathetic stoner youth vote as the story
breaks,” said Press Secretary Jay “Kush” Carney, “The President has arranged
for a tour of college dorm rooms across the nation to discuss the merits of Doritos
versus Pringles, and the artistic value of Pink Floyd albums.” Republican
Candidate Mitt Romney was surprised by allegations that a young black male
growing up in a troubled home might turn to drugs, but insisted that he too
“hit the bong” so as not to appear “square” to hip voters.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You have no reason to be afraid of any monsters in your
closet. They actually live several houses down so it’s much more convenient for
them to walk by and key your car instead of breaking in and hiding next to old
underwear until you pass out.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Your bold spirit will be your guide this weekend, at least
when it comes to choosing a barbeque sauce. A good BBQ sauce should be tangy
and full of flavour in small amounts, and punishingly spicy when you do shots
of it while watching Iron Chef America.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
People may not seem very receptive to your ideas as of late-
it’s not because the ideas are bad, it’s because everybody around you is very,
very stupid. And also a little bit because the ideas are bad, but only because
they all involve a Plutronium Laser which isn’t a thing that is real.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Your character in the game of LIFE has four kids and a college
degree. When you were a kid, those didn’t seem like especially ambitious goals,
but as an adult just getting to school on time seems to be an insurmountable
task. Do what I do- distract the banker and then set the board on fire. Now
nobody wins, just like real life.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You have caught all 151 original Pokemon, but I’m afraid
they’ve added a few since you started. Feel free to continue calling yourself a
Pokemon Master at parties and luncheons, but deep in your heart you’ll know
that the other 497 Pokemon are laughing at you- and with good reason!
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You haven’t seen The
Avengers yet but you went to see Battleship? THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE
MOVIES. I- wait, Rihanna is in it? Wow, if I cared at all about her as an
actress I would still drill out my eye sockets with a cake mixer before I paid
real money to see it. Now Connect 4, THERE’S a movie with potential.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Forget Twilight, forget 50 Shades of whatever. Vampires are
so passé right now, the real mythical creature you want seducing you with dark
secrets and blood-red wine is a Muppet. They don’t sparkle in the sunshine
unless somebody spills sequins on them in the shop, and the only way to become
one is to receive a bite from the immortal Jim Hensen.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your conspiracy theory that Men in Black is based on a true
story is actually completely right. They made the movies to test the
effectiveness of the Neuralyzer through a pre-recorded medium such as film, but
since everybody seems to remember how lousy the second movie was I’d say they blew
it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Society may be slowly growing to accept the love between two
people of the same gender, but we’re still a long ways away from accepting your
forbidden marriage to your computer. People understand that it’s always been there
for you, but they’re really uncomfortable with trying to figure out how the
naughty portion of the relationship functions. Never fear, there’s probably
some Science Fiction about it available on the internet!
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
As an android, you frequently find yourself limited by the
charge left in your battery, and that can leave your personal life feeling low
on power. Hire your very own personal human to carry around a spare for you and
change it when you die, then watch them wrestle with the ethical dilemma of
being a human working for a robot and LAUGH.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Screaming ‘Everybody Dance Now!’ at the airport might seem
like an excellent way to start a heartwarming montage in which people from all
walks of life are brought together by the power of music, but nowadays it’s a
one-way ticket to an invasive search followed by airport food. Everybody’s so
uptight now, jeez.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Since Pisces is usually the last one that gets written, it
tends to get the “Oh lord, I need ANOTHER JOKE” jokes . Oh well, what can you
do? Giant Albino space worms will attack your house at dawn, but you can ward
them off with the mouldy onions in your cellar. Try not to touch them, their
skin excretes a fluid that turns human skin into chocolate.
Birthday Baby
Helium is actually a very limited resource, so in our
lifetime the tradition of sitting around inhaling from balloons at a relative’s
birthday party will become a thing of the past and people will be forced to sit
in a silent half circle around a fire pit quietly blaming each other for why
nobody is having fun.
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