Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - June 22nd, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

Keep Calm And Chive On!

Winnipeg Declared Hellhole By Some, “Not Bad” By Others

Patriotic Winnipegianites were enraged all over the Internet’s face recently when Twitter Personality and Wayne’s World Villain Rob Lowe possibly declared their fair city a “Hellhole”. The 48-year old former playboy was watching an NBA Final when the game was interrupted by Regional Politics. Lowe took to Twitter to complain about the minor inconvenience, ending his diatribe with the hashtag #trappedinahellhole. Canadians quickly lashed back at the West Wing star, with responses ranging from “Are you free this weekend? I’d love to give you a personal massage, naked” to “I will probably eat your family if you talk about my city again”. Experts ask people remain calm, as they have yet to locate Lowe’s hellhole and ascertain whether or not he is still trapped within it, but the media has been quick to stir the pot regardless. “It’s clear to me that this was a targeted attack on Canada’s urban infrastructure, and not just an offhand remark blown way out of proportion,” says Stupid Media expert Smack Dingleberry, “Rob Lowe said what all of America was already thinking: rarely interrupted sportscasts from American stations make Canada a crummy place to shoot TV movies for Lifetime.” No word yet if charges will be laid.

You’re Under Arrest, Now Watch Me Pop A Wheelie

The City of Lethbridge Regional Police Service has added two new members to their team of everyday crimefighters, The Justice Police: Two brand-spanking-new motorcycles named “Doomhammer” and “Twilight Sparkle”. Officers hope that the sick new wheels will create an avenue of outreach with the tightly-knit gangs of Biker Mice from Mars that run the city’s underground motorcycle enthusiast clubs, and have trained officers to use proper lingo when apprehending a biker. The bikes come with front and rear tires, combustion engines, and bulletproof plating for dramatic shootouts with drug kingpins. “People react very well to police officers on motorcycles, as opposed to regular bicycles or boring old cars,” said Police Chief McGruff the Crime Dog, “You WILL respect my authoritah!”

Corrections

Sometimes, in the pursuit of the truth, we omit the truth to create a better story. The writer of Twitter Guy, Dr. Alphonse de la Soul III, would like to apologize for several inaccuracies in the column printed on June 8^th. Please mentally substitute the following next time you’re reading the June 8^th issue of the Lethbridge Journal:

-          The cast of Spin City were not, are not, and probably won’t ever be, Vampires.

-          Coldplay are completely valid as musicians, except the one that named his daughter Apple Martin to make her future stripper name Apple Martini an easy pick.

-          I forgot this one.

-          The cast of True Blood are all Vampires, but they’ve learned to control their hunger so they pose no threat.

-          Serial Break and Enter suspect The Tooth Fairy was not shot dead in The Rainbow Room as initially reported, but was shot later in the desert and died en route to hospital.

-          Juggling Chainsaws should only be performed after a minimum of three beers, or two beers and a shot of Drambuie.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - June 8th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

I once knew a man from Nantucket.

Once.

Popular religious institution “The Vatican” was put on blast when the Pope’s butler was caught leaking documents to the press as part of an elaborate political game where two old guys in funny hats intended to discredit these two OTHER old guys in funny hats. The Vatican’s producers, Erik Summers and Yam Kapoor, say they got the idea from an episode of Jersey Shore. “It was the one where somebody got caught talking smack,” said Summers, “And it struck us as the perfect way to make the church relevant to today’s disaffected youth.” Kapoor agreed. “All teens love two things: backroom politics and a hot nun in a bikini. Keep watching kids, Sundays at 9pm ET/8pm Central!” For his part, the Pope’s butler was trite: “I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling Jesus!”

Police in Miami are investigating a possible Zombie outbreak following an incident of homeless cannibalism. A spokesman for a shady government agency told reporters that his department plans to quarantine the city in a vain attempt to contain and study the outbreak. “Based on our estimates, we have between two and three movies before we lose control of the situation and the virus gets loose due to incompetence,” said the spokesman, “After that, we believe that the most likely outcome is a conflict between a group of valiant survivors and The Man In Black, Randall Flagg. In the meantime, our power-mad lead scientists hope to learn as much as they can from the disease, before our dreams of playing God end in an ironic death at the hands of our creations. I mean, their creations. Like, Iran or somebody, probably. Not us.”

A scandalous new book has the American government in a tizzy as new allegations come to light that US President Barack Obama may have smoked deadly, highly addictive Marijuanas as a young man. Democratic aides were quick to attempt damage control at a White House Continental Breakfast following the reveal. “We will admit, this was kind of a bummer, but Obama stands a very good chance of reconnecting with the vital apathetic stoner youth vote as the story breaks,” said Press Secretary Jay “Kush” Carney, “The President has arranged for a tour of college dorm rooms across the nation to discuss the merits of Doritos versus Pringles, and the artistic value of Pink Floyd albums.” Republican Candidate Mitt Romney was surprised by allegations that a young black male growing up in a troubled home might turn to drugs, but insisted that he too “hit the bong” so as not to appear “square” to hip voters.