Booyakasha!
Oh, Rats
Alberta, once the crown jewel of Canada, has seen its
hallowed status as a Rat Free province threatened by the discovery of a colony
near the city of Medicine Rat- I mean, Medicine Hat. Officials believe the rats
were first attracted to the city by the good schools and affordable housing,
but were at a loss when asked to explain how the large rodents were able to buy
land without money. Concerned that an infestation of rats could threaten to
take their jobs, politicians have summoned Alberta’s Teen Rat Squad to drive
them into the neighbouring province of Saskatchewan, where they will be exposed
to radioactive Uranium deposits and mutate into massive Super-Rats capable of
chewing through a Ford Fiesta in under ten minutes.
What Happens In
Vegas…
Speaking of crown jewels, subhuman celebrity gossip sludge
factory TMZ has obtained photos of Prince Harry naked as a jaybird during a
crazy party in Las Vegas. The weekend trip to Vegas has been a rousing success
for the royal family, who hope to remain relevant to today’s jaded youth by
portraying Harry as a hard-partying sex fiend that enjoys a snifter of brandy
with his game of nude billiards. The reaction among young adults has been
unanimously positive, especially among the ladies. “Become a princess AND get
black-out drunk in Las Vegas? It sounds like Ke$ha wrote a concept album,” says
Royal Stalker Catherine Mumfordandsons, “He’s rich, he’s naked, he’s royalty.
More please!”
Sources close to her say that the Queen is thrilled with the
invigorating new direction for the royal family- having hurled herself from a
helicopter with James Bond earlier this summer- and has taken to keeping a
bottle of Bombay Sapphire with her at all times in case a party should break
out.
Tour de Farce
Retired inspirational figure and bracelet magnate Lance
Armstrong has been banned from the sport of professional cycling for allegedly
using performance enhancing drugs. The US Anti-Doping Agency has stripped
Armstrong of his seven Tour de France wins based on the testimony of some guys
they know after a drawn-out battle with the athlete over accusations of doping.
Tired of the mudslinging and hoping to move on, Lance declined to take the
issue to arbitration, threw up his hands and yelled “Screw you guys, I’m
going home” before flipping off
everybody in the room and biking out a window. “If years of drug tests showed
I’m clean,” he said in a later statement, “I figure, I must have been clean.
But if I learned anything from Todd Akin, it’s that science is composed
entirely of lies and not to be trusted. I don’t even care anymore, I have
better things to do with the rest of my life.”
