Booyakasha!
Oh, Rats
Alberta, once the crown jewel of Canada, has seen its
hallowed status as a Rat Free province threatened by the discovery of a colony
near the city of Medicine Rat- I mean, Medicine Hat. Officials believe the rats
were first attracted to the city by the good schools and affordable housing,
but were at a loss when asked to explain how the large rodents were able to buy
land without money. Concerned that an infestation of rats could threaten to
take their jobs, politicians have summoned Alberta’s Teen Rat Squad to drive
them into the neighbouring province of Saskatchewan, where they will be exposed
to radioactive Uranium deposits and mutate into massive Super-Rats capable of
chewing through a Ford Fiesta in under ten minutes.
What Happens In
Vegas…
Speaking of crown jewels, subhuman celebrity gossip sludge
factory TMZ has obtained photos of Prince Harry naked as a jaybird during a
crazy party in Las Vegas. The weekend trip to Vegas has been a rousing success
for the royal family, who hope to remain relevant to today’s jaded youth by
portraying Harry as a hard-partying sex fiend that enjoys a snifter of brandy
with his game of nude billiards. The reaction among young adults has been
unanimously positive, especially among the ladies. “Become a princess AND get
black-out drunk in Las Vegas? It sounds like Ke$ha wrote a concept album,” says
Royal Stalker Catherine Mumfordandsons, “He’s rich, he’s naked, he’s royalty.
More please!”
Sources close to her say that the Queen is thrilled with the
invigorating new direction for the royal family- having hurled herself from a
helicopter with James Bond earlier this summer- and has taken to keeping a
bottle of Bombay Sapphire with her at all times in case a party should break
out.
Tour de Farce
Retired inspirational figure and bracelet magnate Lance
Armstrong has been banned from the sport of professional cycling for allegedly
using performance enhancing drugs. The US Anti-Doping Agency has stripped
Armstrong of his seven Tour de France wins based on the testimony of some guys
they know after a drawn-out battle with the athlete over accusations of doping.
Tired of the mudslinging and hoping to move on, Lance declined to take the
issue to arbitration, threw up his hands and yelled “Screw you guys, I’m
going home” before flipping off
everybody in the room and biking out a window. “If years of drug tests showed
I’m clean,” he said in a later statement, “I figure, I must have been clean.
But if I learned anything from Todd Akin, it’s that science is composed
entirely of lies and not to be trusted. I don’t even care anymore, I have
better things to do with the rest of my life.”
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
The impact of the Curiosity rover on Mars threw off the
planet’s orbit by .89 microns. Now instead of having a great week you’re going
to lose a finger to a mongoose. You missed a winning lottery ticket by that much.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
After weeks of denial, the moment you’ve been dreading is
here: Summer is nearly over. There’s nothing you can do to change that fact,
but you can alleviate the pain by wearing your swimsuit under your clothes and
compulsively drinking margaritas.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Just like Taurus, you are distraught that Summer is coming
to an end. But while they will treat their seasonal depression with casual
alcohol abuse, you can cope because September brings with it the return of network
television programming to save us from a quagmire of garbage and Big Bang
Theory reruns.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Anxieties about the future can be a powerful motivator in
the present, just like how your fear of a robot uprising drove you to perfect
electromagnetic shock gloves or your fear of post-secondary education lead you
to try and burn down the U of L.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Your friends may never let you forget that you threw up on
them during Whoop-Up Days. You ruined a perfectly good stuff animal and ate all
that cotton candy for nothing.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
A portal to the spirit realm is going to open beneath your
house for a few days, which is going to increase the number of ghosts
possessing ordinary household objects considerably. If the gateway persists for
more than a week, you should sell the house to a young family looking for a
fresh start in a new city.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Overburdened with debt, you’ll need to channel all of your
ingenuity into a zany scheme to dig yourself out of this one. You can start
strong by selling product placement in your everyday conversations! (Brought to you by the smooth refreshing
taste of Mountain Dew, and the new Ford F-150.)
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
I wouldn’t say that laughter is the BEST medicine, since
it’s mostly a placebo effect, but I suppose if you’re amused enough about
waking up in a bathtub full of ice there’s a small chance your kidney could
spontaneously grow back. Anything’s possible.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Lack of sleep is going to make it hard to focus, but like
all things in life you can find the answer at any truck stop worth its mileage:
a banned Albanian energy drink called “Gjaku Tiger”, now made with 50% more
actual Tiger.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
A giant block of blue ice is going to fling itself from the
sky and onto your house, which actually happens fairly often if you believe the
internet (and I know you do). The kindness of your neighbours during your hour
of need will be a welcome contrast with your insurance company, who will be
fairly certain you orchestrated the accident yourself.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
If it seems like everything you do or say next week is
getting lost in translation, it’s because the Japanese For Beginners videos you
watched on YouTube were not filmed with honest intentions. Instead of asking
for directions to the bathroom, for example, they teach you how to tell people
about your smelly underpants and then demand they hand-feed you some ham. It is
polite to bow after demanding underpants ham.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
One coffee too many will leave you feeling invigorated and
kind of itchy. If you can get your mind off the feeling of ants crawling all
over your skin, you could get a lot of work done today.
Birthday
There is nothing more uncomfortable than meeting somebody
who sings something other than “Happy Birthday” before you blow out the
candles. It makes you want to shake them and demand to know what negligent
parent failed to teach them the proper music to celebrate birthdays with!
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