All hail the mighty Hypnotoad!
A humorous mishap occurred during a live performance of the
August 3rd issue of the Lethbridge Journal, and we accidentally replaced
the middle story, ‘Welcome To Bikinis’, with an older piece about Noah Wyle’s
ark. The piece that was replaced was perhaps the finest work I will ever
create- pure, unfiltered journalism. Raw, like uncooked meat getting punched by
Batman. I know in my heart that we could have easily won the Canadian small
newspaper equivalent of a Pulitzer Prize with this stunning expose. Children
would have wept in the streets, men would have raised me as their king, women
would have been very aloof about it mostly, maybe even a little offended. Oh
well, life goes on.
Kalamazoo Hullaballoo
Calgary, a city well-known for its labyrinth maze of
underground fight clubs and pleasant cowboy aesthetic has claimed another
victim. While visiting Calgary during the Stampede, but apparently not FOR the
Stampede, off-duty Michigan police officer Walt Wawra and his wife were
approached by a pair of gentlemen while walking through a park. In a detailed
letter to the editor of the Calgary Herald, Mr. Wawra recounts what happened
next: “They walked up to us and asked very aggressively if my wife and I had
been to the Stampede,” he wrote, “Taking my passive-aggressive refusal to
acknowledge their existence as an invitation to persist, they asked again in an
uncomfortably friendly tone if I had been to the Stampede before offering me
free passes. If I had had a gun to protect my wife and I from these lawless
ruffians, the newspaper headlines would have been very different.” Because
everybody knows what Calgary needs is another ‘Deranged Moron Slays Two’.
Why So Curious?
NASA has reportedly won a $50 bet with Russia that they
can’t land a one-ton sedan-sized robot on the surface of a planet several
hundred million miles away following the successful touchdown of the
multi-billion-dollar Curiosity rover. The rover is equipped with the latest
technology to help it search for signs that Mars supported life, including a
little plastic shovel to take samples and a 4G LTE connection to make sure it
can Tweet anything funny it might think of while driving around the barren
wastelands. Scientists have high hopes for Curiosity, and as soon as they can
NASA told reporters they would begin construction on a new rover in order to
build a track and host the largest non-terrestrial go-kart race in the Solar
System right there on Mars.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Flash forward 30 years and suddenly the guy singing Hot For
Teacher isn’t a rebel student, he’s a single dad trying to pick up a date on
Parent-Teacher night. He’s got it bad, and by ‘it’ I mean male pattern
baldness.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You’re very curious about 50 Shades of Grey, and I can
understand that. I’ll tell you up front, it’s better than Twilight because it
skips the mopey teenager stuff and gets right to the quote-unquote “Romance”
that you paid for. Plus, you’re allowed to read it on the bus without getting
arrested for public indecency. For now.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob
Squarepants. And do we all know WHY
he lives in a pineapple under the sea? BECAUSE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS DID NOT
HIRE A REALTOR.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
We all had the same thought as you: Olympic Open Water
swimming would be so much more interesting if they put Piranhas in the water.
Sharks would also be acceptable, on the condition that they be mutant sharks
with a taste for manflesh.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Years from now ironic hipsters will wear t-shirts with all
the old memes from this era of human history. Troll face, LOLcats, this one
coming up in 2013 called ‘Bears In Space’… Get in on the ground floor, start
selling these shirts ASAP! You’ll attract the people that want to be into
something before it’s cool for hipsters to be into it.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
If you’ve ever thought about joining a wildlife conservation
group, now is the opportune time. You’ve only got 8 months before the internet
makes bears go extinct, and if you think I’m being general when I say “bears”,
you don’t know the internet. Yes, even fictional bears and bears that aren’t
actually bears but are rather marsupials or mammals or what have you.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your Orple ePad is a knockoff. I’m going to give you a
minute to let that sink in. Knockoff or not though, that peerless high-resolution
Optic Nerve Display was more than worth the 200 Mexican Pesos.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
The juxtaposition of the Sun with your wrist watch means
that this lunar cycle finds you in a state of upheaval. The key to keeping
yourself grounded is to attach double-sided tape to the bottom of your shoes
and only get drunk on days ending in evenings.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
I asked around for you, and it turns out people who speak
other languages are CONSTANTLY getting the wrong word tattooed just above their
butt or on their neck. English doesn’t make any sense to them, they can’t tell
the difference between our word for Courage and our word for Soup. (The words
are ‘Courage’ and ‘Soup’, respectively)
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Yo mama so fat, she has an exponentially increased risk of
heart disease, diabetes, stroke, and rolling to the bottom if she trips walking
uphill. This is why you need to help her stick to a healthy diet of properly
apportioned vegetables and clean proteins.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Weed out your Facebook friends by uploading pictures of
their children with moustaches, and claiming them as your own. The ones that
don’t delete you either have a very good sense of humour or absolutely no idea
what their child looks like with facial hair.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
It is time. Release the pathogen.
Birthday
Would it make you feel any better about your birthday if I
told you that as a conduit for the stars I don’t age?
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