Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - July 20th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

Thunder buddies for life!

In local news, the City of Lethbridge has declared their new advertising campaign for public transit a complete, unqualified success. “More and more people are saying ‘I’ve had enough’ to their cars and they’re taking the bus or calling a cab,” said Lethbridge Killmaster Darth Vader, “So on the whole, we feel pretty good about this initiative.” Known as ‘Construction’, the citywide advertisements are large public art installations placed on residential streets, busy intersections, and the least convenient point between your house and wherever you work. By making driving so frustrating you throw your keys, goes the thinking, residents will pay through the nose to make somebody else suffer the task. So far? “Absolutely,” says Vader, “People are so freaking angry. Somebody spit on me yesterday. But who cares, I’m awesome.” The Killmaster then closed out his press conference with a guitar solo, BECAUSE.

Officials are warning residents to take more caution following the recent heat wave. “For God’s sake people, stop leaving your things in the sun!” begged Alberta’s Minister of Melting John Kelvin, “This includes pets, VHS tapes, senior citizens, coolers full of ice and human hearts, and Frosty the Snowman. They will melt, and probably ruin the back seat of your car or your couch or something and nobody needs that in this economy.”

In international news, the 2012 Olympics are set to debut in London in just one weeks’ time with both tension and excitement running high. As the world’s premiere athletic event sponsored entirely by companies that sell junk food, authorities fear that the large crowds of people will prove a tempting target for terrorists and hooligans alike. “Britain invented the sport of beating up ambulance drivers,” said Olympic Hall Monitor Winchester Boxworthingtonshire “I’d have to be pretty thick not to expect trouble, wouldn’t I? We’ve installed a bunch of nails on all our batons and filled several squirt guns with lemon juice; I am sure we’ll be fine. However, as a precaution we’ve also installed missile launchers on all of the city’s landmarks just in case an army of Daleks should happen to stop by.”

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - July 6th, 2012

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

Oh, Canada!

I AM CANADIAN

By the time you read this, Canada Day will have come and gone; the drinks have been drunk, the hangovers have been hung over, and the Canadian Flag has once again been draped across your naked uncle. Take advantage of this historic newspaper retrospective to remember all the things that make you proud to be Canadian- such as our fine alcohol, bacon, and proximity to America!

Next time you’re having a slap-fight over which country is the best country, bust out these gems and remind everyone that Canada exists:

-          RIM and Nortel have driven confidence in the Canadian tech sector.

-          We’ve had healthcare for years, and it usually works.

-          I know I already mentioned our alcohol, but yeah. It’s good.

-          Poutine. It was given to Canada as a gift from the mighty god Odin to complement our excellent beer.

-          Canadian sunsets are objectively better than all others.

-          We’re better at pretending to know French when we really don’t.

-          The Chinese will spare us in World War III.

-          We have a vast number of towns, cities, and lakes with funny names.

-          Our money is colourful and made of magic.

-          Sometimes our politicians get bored of arguing and just tweet profanities.

-          Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms.

Watch Out!

Southern Alberta has begun the long, slow road to recovery following several devastating storms that left dozens of area residents with dramatic hard-to-see videos of lightning on their cellphones. Though scientists initially believed the storms to be caused by some sort of Soviet weather machine, less reasonable heads have prevailed and Environment Canada is investigating claims that the unusually heavy flow can be traced to a higher power. Fringe groups allege that God is displeased with mankind and has begun a second flood to cleanse the world of sin, which will then be commemorated with a double-rainbow and ice cream for the survivors. A Lethbridge man by the name of Noah Wyle (no relation) intends “to build some sort of boat, like a catamaran or a yacht” to save himself and his Pokemon saved games, and has invited two of every animal onboard “so [he] can catch ‘em all”. God could not be reached for comment.