Thunder buddies for life!
In local news, the City of Lethbridge has declared their new
advertising campaign for public transit a complete, unqualified success. “More
and more people are saying ‘I’ve had enough’ to their cars and they’re taking
the bus or calling a cab,” said Lethbridge Killmaster Darth Vader, “So on the
whole, we feel pretty good about this initiative.” Known as ‘Construction’, the
citywide advertisements are large public art installations placed on residential
streets, busy intersections, and the least convenient point between your house
and wherever you work. By making driving so frustrating you throw your keys,
goes the thinking, residents will pay through the nose to make somebody else
suffer the task. So far? “Absolutely,” says Vader, “People are so freaking
angry. Somebody spit on me yesterday. But who cares, I’m awesome.” The
Killmaster then closed out his press conference with a guitar solo, BECAUSE.
Officials are warning residents to take more caution
following the recent heat wave. “For God’s sake people, stop leaving your things in the sun!” begged Alberta’s Minister of
Melting John Kelvin, “This includes pets, VHS tapes, senior citizens, coolers
full of ice and human hearts, and Frosty the Snowman. They will melt, and
probably ruin the back seat of your car or your couch or something and nobody
needs that in this economy.”
In international news, the 2012 Olympics are set to debut in
London in just one weeks’ time with both tension and excitement running high.
As the world’s premiere athletic event sponsored entirely by companies that
sell junk food, authorities fear that the large crowds of people will prove a
tempting target for terrorists and hooligans alike. “Britain invented the sport
of beating up ambulance drivers,” said Olympic Hall Monitor Winchester
Boxworthingtonshire “I’d have to be pretty thick not to expect trouble,
wouldn’t I? We’ve installed a bunch of nails on all our batons and filled
several squirt guns with lemon juice; I am sure we’ll be fine. However, as a
precaution we’ve also installed missile launchers on all of the city’s
landmarks just in case an army of Daleks should happen to stop by.”
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Your reputation precedes you now, which means you won’t have
to beat so many people up to get your way anymore. The key phrasing is “won’t have to”, because I hear that you might
know somebody with winning lottery numbers. Your lucky Pizza Topping is
Mushrooms.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You should learn how to Waltz! I know what you’re saying,
but I’ve talked to a lot of Grandparents and after a little moonshine
everything goes all dirty dancing and people start yelling ‘POLKA YOUR PANTS
OFF’. Come on, 4/4 dance music is passé, 3/4 is where it’s at now. Your lucky
Pizza Topping is Pineapple.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Don’t just run off and join the circus; you want to pick a
good circus that will help you grow as a person and won’t make you ride the
train in the animal car. That way when you come back through town 20 years from
now people will recognize your beak and say “That strange mutant really made
something of itself!” You can’t buy that kind of hometown pride. I can’t find
my glasses, but I think your lucky Topping is Italian Songstress.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
After your crazy night out, I’m not surprised you can’t find
any of your stuff. Your wallet is in the freezer, your shoes are in the shower
(You’re out of hot water, they hogged it all), and your laptop is in your
windshield. If you don’t have a windshield, your laptop is in the shower with
your shoes but it put a shower cap on so everything’s okay. Your lucky Pizza
Topping is whatever you think might help a hangover.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Don’t let your carefree nature get the best of you, cut a
spare key for everything you own that requires keys. Then cut a spare spare,
because sometimes even the best of us forget where we hid the spare when we
really need it most. I suppose you should probably label them as well but who
has that kind of time with all the keys you have to get cut (The boat, the gun
locker, the other gun locker full of video games, the car, the house, the cage
for the Roomba because you don’t trust robots). You lucky Pizza Topping is
keys. I mean Pepperoni.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
At the next Virgo Convention (WOO, SANTA CRUZ 2012!) you
will meet several hundred thousand people with the exact same personality
traits as you who are all also going to be meeting several hundred thousand
people with the exact same personality traits as them. That’s how this system
works, you’re all the same sign so you’re all fussy and intelligent, with an
eye for details. Your lucky pizza topping is Escargot, but I would pass on that
if I were you. Nobody needs luck that badly.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
A new study found that shift work drastically increases your
risk for heart attacks and stroke, especially if you work overnights. Between
that, your crippling fondness for bacon grease, and that IV you put in your arm
for Red Bull your odds aren’t so good. Please don’t tell Sagittarius you found
a way to take Red Bull intravenously, I told them it was impossible like two
months ago. Your lucky Pizza Topping is bacon, naturally.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
As a Scorpio, Mars is in opposition with Venus this week
which means you can’t eat Pizza or you’ll die. It might also mean that your
neighbour is planning to cover your lawn with gasoline and burn it down if you
don’t mow it soon, but you can’t take that chance so trim your yard and get
wings instead. Your lucky wing flavour is Teriyaki, or should I say Teriyummy?
Eh? Eh?? Ah, who needs you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
The curse on your family will remain for another seven
years; every house you live in will be within a city block of a guy that sits
on a motorbike for hours on end and just revs the engine while you’re trying to
sleep, or have an important conversation, or watch childrens’ cartoons while
doing shots. Your lucky pizza topping is red onion.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
An Aries is going to beat you up. I tried to stop them, but
they’re so hot-headed! Typical Aries, always trampling all over everyone.
Anyways, your horoscope this week is something about winning lottery numbers…
5, 17, I can’t read this one without my glasses, 42.5, Bumblebees. Enjoy your
winnings! Just remember who hooked you up when you’re rich, okay? Who needs
Pizza, you’ll be eating Caviar! It beats Escargot.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Take back your life. Now is the time for drastic change in
the way you do things! With your best friend planning to run away to the Circus
in the fall, you should enroll in Clown College and finally get that degree
your disappointed father is always hinting about. Did you know College Clowns
earn 20% more than Clowns that only have their High School Diploma? Your lucky
Pizza Topping is Chorizo! Spicy!
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Sometimes I wonder if I recycled old Horoscopes anybody
would notice. Don’t look at me like that, I’m trying to conserve paper. It’s
time to take a stand for consumer rights! If you ask for Coke and they only
have Pepsi, report them to the Better Business Bureau for being
anti-competitive. Your lucky Pizza Topping is shrimp. I said it’s lucky, you
don’t have to eat it for it to work.
Birthday
Surprise everyone this year and ask for a present that is
wildly outside your age range. 5 years old? You need a gun and some whiskey. 25
years old? You need Lego, and lots of it! 104 years old? You need that 25 year
old’s liver and that 5 year old’s whiskey. Your lucky Pizza Topping is Cake. As
if it would be anything else.
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