Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - November 25, 2011

This Space For Rent!

I recently read online that celebrities can be paid as much as $10,000 per Tweet to endorse a product or service. Since being a working stiff has not yet afforded me the vast financial freedom available to the beautiful and talented, I’m going to leverage my minor celebrity and sell out. I mean it, I’m selling out hard! Without further ado allow me to formally re-introduce you to “Reeves College and Bell Prostate Ezee Flow Tea #4a Present: Twitter Guy!” Closed captioning is provided by Honkers Pub & Grill, and the support of Readers like you.

Dr. Pepper Presents: Occupy Your Tastebuds

City officials tired of dealing with smelly hobos and angry protesters have begun to respond to the Occupy movement with increasing force across North America, using tactics that have ranged from handing out eviction notices and tickets to tear gas and mass arrests. Conspiracy theorists believe this is because Politicians have come under pressure from their wealthy campaign contributors who are uncomfortable with the media attention.  Said one Billionaire, “I had to make a lot of calls to get those stupid hippies gassed. I’m sick and tired of turning on the news and hearing about how evil I am for being rich. I earned my fortune selling toxic mortgages and complex derivatives to innocent morons just like everyone else; I think I deserve to own a suit jacket worth more than your net assets! We had to work really hard to stack the odds against the hard-working middle class, you know, it didn’t just HAPPEN.”

The Lucky Shot Gun Company Presents: Shoot To Thrill

An Idaho man has been charged with attempted assassination after he fired nine shots at the White House in an effort to kill US President Barack Obama, who he believed to be the Antichrist. The man apparently also believed that he was Jesus and that Obama planned to place GPS chips in children to make his Satanic takeover easier to manage. Jesus misgauged the reach of his wily opponent, as the Antichrist and his wife were not in the White House at the time of the attack and only a single window was cracked by gunfire. Additional reports have indicated the window may have instead been damaged by a group of teenagers playing baseball nearby who were arrested trying to retrieve their ball from the grounds that same day and were also charged with attempted assassination.

The Internet Presents: Usage-Based Bologna

Warning! Reading this piece will exceed your monthly Word Count Allowance in accordance with your selection of the Lethbridge Journal $35/Month Basic Package of 600 Words. You will be charged $0.25 in overages for each character you use over your current plan. For more information, please go bother somebody else.

The CRTC has recently released its ruling regarding Usage-Based Billing for Internet Service Providers in a controversial move designed to please everyone that has pleased absolutely nobody. Under the new ruling the large telecom companies would not be allowed to charge their wholesale customers per kilobyte sent using their network, instead allowing them to charge either a flat rate or a CRTC-determined rate based on capacity. While the decision is a step in the right direction according to Internet Guru Dr. Jack Torrents, the end result is the same: higher costs for users. A press release from one of the major ISPs following the announcement was clear: “While we are disappointed that the CRTC has rejected our proposals, we are already hard at work to take advantage of the new system. We firmly believe that our customers deserve less efficient service at much higher prices and we will do our best to deliver that promise to them.”

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Keep your temper in check this week to get ahead, your tendency to be hot-headed and impulsive may land you in Portugal with only a 9mm pistol and a photo of the man you’re there to assassinate. Be sure to visit the sights before you leave, because your payment is in an unmarked brown bag located near the Torre de Belem.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

It feels like lately everybody you know has been going out of their way to try something new, but if your friends were on a cliff you wouldn’t push them off would you? Just make sure you do all the appropriate research before you make a commitment to any more cults or cell phone companies.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

You are experiencing an imbalance between your masculine and feminine sides. Restore order to your life by drinking a box of wine coolers while watching all the Die Hard movies back-to-back. If you feel the temptation to buy either a machine gun or Hello Kitty merchandise you’ve tipped the scales too far in one direction.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

It’s best to keep your mouth shut this week, being outspoken may lead to big changes in your life. It’s okay to tell your boss that their fly is low, but don’t tell them you know about that rendezvous with their assistant until you have enough evidence or a new job to secure your future.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Faced with the unhappy prospect of a miserable Canadian winter, you may be tempted to jump ship for warmer climates. I whole-heartedly endorse this decision and I only ask you take me with you- I fit easily into most carry-on baggage and I don’t eat much! Be warned though, there may be a cavity search in your near future.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You’re going to forget something this week no matter how hard you try, it doesn’t matter if you use post-it notes, email notifications, calendars, or singing telegrams to remind yourself. It’s not all bad news though, because the person most affected by your forgetfulness is a Virgo too so there’s always a chance what they’re going to forget is what you forgot.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

I would like to retract your Horoscope from the November 11^th issue of the Journal- as I’m sure you’ve already found out, the part of you that was going to get shot off sure wasn’t your mouth and I’m really really sorry about that. As an apology, all Libras will receive a free copy of the Journal with their Lethbridge Herald in two weeks.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your compulsive need to “Fight The Man” will lead you to establish a Solar Farm in your back yard. Remember to plug them in this time, otherwise you just have tens of thousands of dollars of really hot silicon slowly damaging your landlord’s property value.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Don’t bite off more than you can chew before the holidays, otherwise you’ll spend your Christmas vacation staring at an Excel spreadsheet and compulsively drinking “Egg Nog” until you can cross your eyes and see Santa Claus in your Q1 Sales estimates. He says hello.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

You’ve been very naughty this year, but the price of Coal keeps going up so you’re only going to get a stocking full of cat litter. In a whimsical twist of Christmas Magic this will turn out to be exactly what you need when you spill several gallons of crude oil on your driveway. Just what were you doing with all that oil anyways? Maybe we’re better off not knowing.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Let’s get this over with now: As much as you’re already thinking of going to the gym and working out next year, you’re going to spend hundreds of dollars on gym gear and go twice before you quit. Embrace your true nature- buy some P90X DVDs and lie to everybody you bring home about how hard you sweat it. Don’t worry about what they say, they’re lying too.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

The Man is trying to control you with Flu Shots. Do not get immunized, it will only protect you and your family from three strains of Influenza while leaving you susceptible to suggestion from Government Mind Lasers in Low Earth Orbit. Just kidding, the Mind Lasers are for eliminating threats not influencing the weak-minded.

Birthday Baby

Scientists believe we have between 3 Days and 500 Years worth of fossil fuels left on Earth, plan your life accordingly.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - November 11, 2011

Don’t call it a comeback; I’ve been here for years.

Before we get started, let’s all review the important lesson we’ve learned from the case of Texas Judge William Adams: savagely beating your daughter as ‘discipline’ for stealing software isn’t a crime if it happened more than five years ago, even in the face of indisputable video evidence. Because hey, in Texas Justice isn’t blind, she just knows her place and keeps her mouth shut.

Advocates took to the mean streets of downtown Lethbridge recently to hand out forged $9.40 bills in support of raising the Alberta minimum wage. Avid historians will remember that the $9.40 bill was first circulated in 1993 as a means of replacing the less popular $9.40 coin. Both the bill and the coin featured a portrait of Pierre Trudeau and were eventually phased out due to public outcry. The advocates believe that Alberta’s minimum wage, which is coincidentally also $9.40, is not a fair rate of pay and only serves to widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Local Business Representative Harvard Winchester rebuffed the idea, telling reporters the claim was “Hogwash and poppycock”, and that “these dirt-swilling poverty farmers should be grateful we pay them at all”.

A recent study from the University of Lethbridge’s “Useless Studies” program has provided indisputable evidence that death is causing a massive labor shortage in Canada. Says Dr. Findings, head of the study, “We’ve found that nearly every person who dies- whether unexpectedly or otherwise- could have filled a position at one of our many corporations currently laying off their staff for savings on the bottom line.” Dr. Findings believes the most prudent course of action now would be to begin a series of clinical trials to “cure death and begin re-staffing the many companies in Canada currently in a hiring freeze due to increase of living-impaired candidates.”

In related news, Earth has officially been declared full with the birth of the 7 billionth (non-consecutive) child, probably somewhere in Asia or Africa. Scientists have been keeping track of the world’s population since 1976 with the advent of the ‘Tag-N’Track’ program, which painfully affixes a large numbered tag to the ear of each child born after the inception of the system. The 7 billionth child is expected to have basically no future, with a shortage of food, clean water, and health care statistically likely to murder it well before it turns 5.

HOROSCOPES

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

Fall is a season of transition and change; this may make it seem like a good time to do some housecleaning in your personal life, but remember that the more people you know the more likely it is you’ll be invited to the Ugly Sweater party where you meet your future ex. And maybe a few past exes, it’s a small city.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Your taste for the finer foods may have made for a hearty and satisfying October (especially Thanksgiving!) but you can’t fit into your fat jeans now and with Christmas treats all over store shelves already it’s time for a serious look at a lifestyle change. Plus size clothing always goes on sale around this time of year, and when you don’t need them anymore they make great gifts for expecting mothers.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Your split personality disorder will manifest itself while trying to decide who you can afford to buy nice Christmas presents for- one half of your mind believes everyone can get something for a reasonable price, and the other half thinks you should just kill everyone you know and start your life over in a new town. Luckily for everyone you carpool with, you’re notoriously indecisive about change.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You can stop watering your lawn any day now. I don’t care how proud you are it’s still a little green, in like two weeks it’s going to be dead and all of your neighbors will still think you’re a complete basket case. You should probably throw away your Jack O’ Lanterns too, or else Canada Post is going to stop delivering your mail.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22)

Take solace in the fact that while rocky times lay ahead for your romantic life, even if you drunkenly marry a prostitute in Las Vegas tomorrow your marriage would last at least as long as Kim Kardashian’s and it will only cost a fraction of what hers did.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)

While it may seem tempting to try and remove that mole on your arm with a blowtorch and a kitchen knife, this may be one of those things best left to the professionals. Remember what happened when you tried to renovate your bathroom with a set of Allen keys and ‘Plumbing for Dummies’? Imagine all the water damage, but with more blood and fire.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)

It may seem like a great idea to drunkenly shoot your mouth off at the Bulldog Saloon while on vacation in Whitefish, but thanks to the Montana Firearms Freedom Act you might not be the only one shooting your mouth off if you do.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your need for control will severely hamper progress on a big project at work, as will your complete lack of knowledge in the field of metallurgy. If this creates trouble with upper management, be sure to have somebody to pin the blame on while you prep your resume.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Be nice to the homeless man busking for change by Esquires downtown, he used to be in charge of Blockbuster Canada. Say no if he offers to show you his ‘New Releases’ though, because you really don’t want to know what they are.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Your pride will get the best of you if you don’t cave and buy a proper winter jacket this year, but I suppose it’s only a serious problem if you’re strongly attached to your extremities.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)

While nobody blames you for believing your neighbors have somehow found a way to spike your water with military-grade hallucinogens, most of your friends seem pretty certain that your walls always melted away like that. Maybe it’s time to switch over to bottled water for a while.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)

If you do the job right the first time you don’t have to do it twice- this is what your mother-in-law is going to tell you after a quick spot-clean fails to pass inspection. Take her advice to heart when you finally give in and crown her with a shovel, you don’t need her alive long enough to criticize your technique.

Birthday Baby

Turns out Justin Bieber is your father too! Good luck with the paternity suit!