This Space For Rent!
I recently read online that celebrities can be paid as much
as $10,000 per Tweet to endorse a product or service. Since being a working
stiff has not yet afforded me the vast financial freedom available to the
beautiful and talented, I’m going to leverage my minor celebrity and sell out.
I mean it, I’m selling out hard! Without further ado allow me to formally
re-introduce you to “Reeves College and Bell Prostate Ezee Flow Tea #4a
Present: Twitter Guy!” Closed captioning is provided by Honkers Pub &
Grill, and the support of Readers like you.
Dr. Pepper Presents:
Occupy Your Tastebuds
City officials tired of dealing with smelly hobos and angry
protesters have begun to respond to the Occupy movement with increasing force
across North America, using tactics that have ranged from handing out eviction
notices and tickets to tear gas and mass arrests. Conspiracy theorists believe
this is because Politicians have come under pressure from their wealthy campaign
contributors who are uncomfortable with the media attention. Said one Billionaire, “I had to make a lot of
calls to get those stupid hippies gassed. I’m sick and tired of turning on the
news and hearing about how evil I am for being rich. I earned my fortune
selling toxic mortgages and complex derivatives to innocent morons just like
everyone else; I think I deserve to own a suit jacket worth more than your net
assets! We had to work really hard to stack the odds against the hard-working
middle class, you know, it didn’t just HAPPEN.”
The Lucky Shot Gun
Company Presents: Shoot To Thrill
An Idaho man has been charged with attempted assassination
after he fired nine shots at the White House in an effort to kill US President
Barack Obama, who he believed to be the Antichrist. The man apparently also
believed that he was Jesus and that Obama planned to place GPS chips in
children to make his Satanic takeover easier to manage. Jesus misgauged the
reach of his wily opponent, as the Antichrist and his wife were not in the
White House at the time of the attack and only a single window was cracked by
gunfire. Additional reports have indicated the window may have instead been
damaged by a group of teenagers playing baseball nearby who were arrested
trying to retrieve their ball from the grounds that same day and were also
charged with attempted assassination.
The Internet
Presents: Usage-Based Bologna
Warning! Reading this
piece will exceed your monthly Word Count Allowance in accordance with your
selection of the Lethbridge Journal $35/Month Basic Package of 600 Words. You
will be charged $0.25 in overages for each character you use over your current
plan. For more information, please go bother somebody else.
The CRTC has recently released its ruling regarding
Usage-Based Billing for Internet Service Providers in a controversial move
designed to please everyone that has pleased absolutely nobody. Under the new
ruling the large telecom companies would not be allowed to charge their
wholesale customers per kilobyte sent using their network, instead allowing
them to charge either a flat rate or a CRTC-determined rate based on capacity.
While the decision is a step in the right direction according to Internet Guru
Dr. Jack Torrents, the end result is the same: higher costs for users. A press
release from one of the major ISPs following the announcement was clear: “While
we are disappointed that the CRTC has rejected our proposals, we are already
hard at work to take advantage of the new system. We firmly believe that our
customers deserve less efficient service at much higher prices and we will do
our best to deliver that promise to them.”
HOROSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Keep your temper in check this week to get ahead, your
tendency to be hot-headed and impulsive may land you in Portugal with only a
9mm pistol and a photo of the man you’re there to assassinate. Be sure to visit
the sights before you leave, because your payment is in an unmarked brown bag
located near the Torre de Belem.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
It feels like lately everybody you know has been going out
of their way to try something new, but if your friends were on a cliff you wouldn’t
push them off would you? Just make sure you do all the appropriate research
before you make a commitment to any more cults or cell phone companies.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You are experiencing an imbalance between your masculine and
feminine sides. Restore order to your life by drinking a box of wine coolers
while watching all the Die Hard movies back-to-back. If you feel the temptation
to buy either a machine gun or Hello Kitty merchandise you’ve tipped the scales
too far in one direction.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
It’s best to keep your mouth shut this week, being outspoken
may lead to big changes in your life. It’s okay to tell your boss that their fly
is low, but don’t tell them you know about that rendezvous with their assistant
until you have enough evidence or a new job to secure your future.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Faced with the unhappy prospect of a miserable Canadian
winter, you may be tempted to jump ship for warmer climates. I whole-heartedly
endorse this decision and I only ask you take me with you- I fit easily into
most carry-on baggage and I don’t eat much! Be warned though, there may be a
cavity search in your near future.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’re going to forget something this week no matter how
hard you try, it doesn’t matter if you use post-it notes, email notifications,
calendars, or singing telegrams to remind yourself. It’s not all bad news
though, because the person most affected by your forgetfulness is a Virgo too
so there’s always a chance what they’re going to forget is what you forgot.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
I would like to retract your Horoscope from the November 11th
issue of the Journal- as I’m sure you’ve already found out, the part of you
that was going to get shot off sure wasn’t your mouth and I’m really really sorry
about that. As an apology, all Libras will receive a free copy of the Journal
with their Lethbridge Herald in two weeks.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your compulsive need to “Fight The Man” will lead you to
establish a Solar Farm in your back yard. Remember to plug them in this time,
otherwise you just have tens of thousands of dollars of really hot silicon
slowly damaging your landlord’s property value.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Don’t bite off more than you can chew before the holidays,
otherwise you’ll spend your Christmas vacation staring at an Excel spreadsheet
and compulsively drinking “Egg Nog” until you can cross your eyes and see Santa
Claus in your Q1 Sales estimates. He says hello.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You’ve been very naughty this year, but the price of Coal
keeps going up so you’re only going to get a stocking full of cat litter. In a
whimsical twist of Christmas Magic this will turn out to be exactly what you
need when you spill several gallons of crude oil on your driveway. Just what were
you doing with all that oil anyways? Maybe we’re better off not knowing.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Let’s get this over with now: As much as you’re already
thinking of going to the gym and working out next year, you’re going to spend
hundreds of dollars on gym gear and go twice before you quit. Embrace your true
nature- buy some P90X DVDs and lie to everybody you bring home about how hard
you sweat it. Don’t worry about what they say, they’re lying too.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
The Man is trying to control you with Flu Shots. Do not get
immunized, it will only protect you and your family from three strains of
Influenza while leaving you susceptible to suggestion from Government Mind
Lasers in Low Earth Orbit. Just kidding, the Mind Lasers are for eliminating
threats not influencing the weak-minded.
Birthday Baby
Scientists believe we have between 3 Days and 500 Years
worth of fossil fuels left on Earth, plan your life accordingly.
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