Don’t call it a comeback; I’ve been here for years.
Before we get started, let’s all review the important lesson
we’ve learned from the case of Texas Judge William Adams: savagely beating your
daughter as ‘discipline’ for stealing software isn’t a crime if it happened
more than five years ago, even in the face of indisputable video evidence.
Because hey, in Texas Justice isn’t blind, she just knows her place and keeps
her mouth shut.
Advocates took to the mean streets of downtown Lethbridge
recently to hand out forged $9.40 bills in support of raising the Alberta
minimum wage. Avid historians will remember that the $9.40 bill was first
circulated in 1993 as a means of replacing the less popular $9.40 coin. Both
the bill and the coin featured a portrait of Pierre Trudeau and were eventually
phased out due to public outcry. The advocates believe that Alberta’s minimum
wage, which is coincidentally also $9.40, is not a fair rate of pay and only
serves to widen the gap between the rich and the poor. Local Business
Representative Harvard Winchester rebuffed the idea, telling reporters the
claim was “Hogwash and poppycock”, and that “these dirt-swilling poverty
farmers should be grateful we pay them at all”.
A recent study from the University of Lethbridge’s “Useless
Studies” program has provided indisputable evidence that death is causing a
massive labor shortage in Canada. Says Dr. Findings, head of the study, “We’ve
found that nearly every person who dies- whether unexpectedly or otherwise-
could have filled a position at one of our many corporations currently laying
off their staff for savings on the bottom line.” Dr. Findings believes the most
prudent course of action now would be to begin a series of clinical trials to
“cure death and begin re-staffing the many companies in Canada currently in a
hiring freeze due to increase of living-impaired candidates.”
In related news, Earth has officially been declared full
with the birth of the 7 billionth (non-consecutive) child, probably somewhere
in Asia or Africa. Scientists have been keeping track of the world’s population
since 1976 with the advent of the ‘Tag-N’Track’ program, which painfully
affixes a large numbered tag to the ear of each child born after the inception
of the system. The 7 billionth child is expected to have basically no future,
with a shortage of food, clean water, and health care statistically likely to
murder it well before it turns 5.
HOROSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Fall is a season of transition and change; this may make it
seem like a good time to do some housecleaning in your personal life, but
remember that the more people you know the more likely it is you’ll be invited
to the Ugly Sweater party where you meet your future ex. And maybe a few past
exes, it’s a small city.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Your taste for the finer foods may have made for a hearty
and satisfying October (especially Thanksgiving!) but you can’t fit into your
fat jeans now and with Christmas treats all over store shelves already it’s time
for a serious look at a lifestyle change. Plus size clothing always goes on
sale around this time of year, and when you don’t need them anymore they make
great gifts for expecting mothers.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Your split personality disorder will manifest itself while
trying to decide who you can afford to buy nice Christmas presents for- one
half of your mind believes everyone can get something for a reasonable price,
and the other half thinks you should just kill everyone you know and start your
life over in a new town. Luckily for everyone you carpool with, you’re
notoriously indecisive about change.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
You can stop watering your lawn any day now. I don’t care
how proud you are it’s still a little green, in like two weeks it’s going to be
dead and all of your neighbors will still think you’re a complete basket case.
You should probably throw away your Jack O’ Lanterns too, or else Canada Post
is going to stop delivering your mail.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Take solace in the fact that while rocky times lay ahead for
your romantic life, even if you drunkenly marry a prostitute in Las Vegas
tomorrow your marriage would last at least as long as Kim Kardashian’s and it
will only cost a fraction of what hers did.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
While it may seem tempting to try and remove that mole on
your arm with a blowtorch and a kitchen knife, this may be one of those things
best left to the professionals. Remember what happened when you tried to
renovate your bathroom with a set of Allen keys and ‘Plumbing for Dummies’?
Imagine all the water damage, but with more blood and fire.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
It may seem like a great idea to drunkenly shoot your mouth
off at the Bulldog Saloon while on vacation in Whitefish, but thanks to the Montana
Firearms Freedom Act you might not be the only one shooting your mouth off if
you do.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your need for control will severely hamper progress on a big
project at work, as will your complete lack of knowledge in the field of metallurgy.
If this creates trouble with upper management, be sure to have somebody to pin
the blame on while you prep your resume.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Be nice to the homeless man busking for change by Esquires
downtown, he used to be in charge of Blockbuster Canada. Say no if he offers to
show you his ‘New Releases’ though, because you really don’t want to know what
they are.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your pride will get the best of you if you don’t cave and
buy a proper winter jacket this year, but I suppose it’s only a serious problem
if you’re strongly attached to your extremities.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
While nobody blames you for believing your neighbors have
somehow found a way to spike your water with military-grade hallucinogens, most
of your friends seem pretty certain that your walls always melted away like
that. Maybe it’s time to switch over to bottled water for a while.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
If you do the job right the first time you don’t have to do
it twice- this is what your mother-in-law is going to tell you after a quick
spot-clean fails to pass inspection. Take her advice to heart when you finally
give in and crown her with a shovel, you don’t need her alive long enough to
criticize your technique.
Birthday Baby
Turns out Justin Bieber is your father too! Good luck with
the paternity suit!
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