Record Label To Release Posthumous Tom Connors album ‘Canadian IV: The Man Comes Around’

New disc to feature covers of ‘Last Saskatchewan Pirate’, ‘If I Had A Million Dollars’

National record label Canadian Recordings (Formerly Def Canada) has announced its intention to release a posthumous album of Tom Connors songs titled ‘Canadian IV: The Man Comes Around’. 

Top Ten Most Likely Names For The Next Pope

Faith Inaction: Pope On A Rope?

 With the shocking retirement of Pope Benedict XVI that even God himself did not foresee, the question on everybody's mind now is simple: What name will the next Pope choose to represent himself after molesting his way to the Papacy? (Actual molestation may vary)
 Well never fear, gentle sheep! I have consulted the crystal ball and placed a call to Satan for the juicy gossip, and what follows are the top ten most likely names to be selected by His Crotchetiness.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - January 18th, 2013

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

I know what we’re going to do today!

Did You Check The Hard Drive Room?

The federal government recently announced after a month-long ‘Do We Tell Them or Not?’ session that they maybe had possibly misplaced a hard drive that may or may not have contained the sensitive personal information of over half a million student loan borrowers. The information, which covers a period from 2000-2006, includes names, birthdates, social insurance numbers, turn-ons, favorite foods, and taste in music. Officials have begun to notify affected individuals now that they’re sure they’ve lost the drive, and plan to include a photo of a small cat captioned ‘I’m Vewwy Sowwy’ with every letter.

The Squeeze

Hurting for cash? Feeling the Christmas Hangover? Here are some quick, easy tips to tighten your wallet and get back to solvency without resorting to prostitution (again).

1)      Say Amen to Ramen – A staple of the poor-as-dirt diet since its invention, Ramen is the main export of the country of Ichiban. Made from a thick sawdust paste flavoured with small bags of green bits and coloured salt, it is sold in bulk for cheap and can be combined with other popular broke foods such as crackers or mustard to diversify the flavour profile.

2)      Take Advantage of Free – There’s free stuff everywhere, if you know where to look. People will throw out perfectly good stuff just because their dog peed on a bunch of it, and you can always find a good meal if you’re willing to brave the right dumpster. You think I’m joking, but there really are people who pay for school/debt/bills this way. Chez Dumpster, bon appetite.

3)      Sell Fluids, Not Organs – As you may or may not know, body parts are a multi-billion dollar black market industry (and depending on where you are, the ‘black market’ status is debatable). But while the foolish and the greedy will eagerly part out their organs for a quick payday, the truly wise leave their body intact and sell off their juices instead. There’s always an eccentric billionaire with a rare disease that is desperate for your plasma, or your bile, or your saliva or whatever, and he will pay through the wallet to get it.

Ground Control To Major Tom

Canadian Rocket Man Chris “The Moustache” Hadfield has gained quite a following on popular Internets hangout The Twitter recently, part of a growing wave of interest in space exploration cultivated primarily through social media. Along with the Mars Curiosity Rover, which briefly had its account suspended for tweeting nude photos of itself in a Martian hotel room, Hadfield has made NASA sexy again by offering the average person a way to see the world that so few ever get the chance to experience. As if that weren’t enough, he also has plans to become a pop sensation by writing and recording an album in zero gravity entitled ‘Suck on this, Justin Bieber’.

Twitter Guy + Horoscopes - January 4th, 2013

Click To Read In The Lethbridge Journal (LARGE PDF)

The Bold BBQ Taste You Crave, Now In A Bite-Sized Wafer.

Free 8x10 Portrait With Every Ticket

Lethbridge Regional Police are reminding drivers to watch where they speed, as 3 new red light cameras are scheduled to be installed around the city in early 2013. The new cameras are in addition to the three already in operation, which have awarded 20,000 motorists with NASCAR nominations and 500 more with red light tickets since the first one went up in 2010. Police have maintained that the cameras are meant to increase intersection safety and not city coffers, but did note that they appreciated the generosity of city speeders.

“I try to look at every ticket as a contribution to my daughter’s college fund,” says Inspector Perry Jones, “You chose to drive 110 km/hr through a red light camera you pass every single day, so I get paid enough to keep her from working as a stripper.”

Motorists will receive a warning in the mail for the first month that the cameras are active, immediately after which the harvest will begin.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

It’s a Christmas like any other for a high class Mob family in Montreal, until their beloved patriarch has a heart attack and faceplants into his bacon. Across the country in Vancouver, a mother of four is found in the toy aisle of her local Walmart clutching a toy her estate has since been billed for. Unable to pay for extravagant gifts like his ex-wife and her new husband, a divorced father of two hangs himself by the chimney with care. These gruesome scenarios are the kind of horrifying stuff I want you to imagine when I describe to you the deadly disease that could potentially be eating you from the inside out: Holiday Stress.

Stress causes 64% of all Non-Turkey Fatalities during the holidays, with the remaining 36% taken up by Over-Eating (16%), Improperly Prepared Stuffing (13%), and Alcohol (7%). A study by the Boston Holiday Institute in Chicago, Illinois found rats that had a difficult Christmas were 70% more likely to drink themselves to an early grave than rats that experienced an enjoyable one. Fortunately, BHI researchers believe they’ve isolated a compound in leftover turkey sandwiches which can be synthesized and resold to consumers as an overpriced ‘cure’ for Acute Holiday Stress Syndrome (AHSS). The proposed drug, Holidol, is expected to be on Pharmacy shelves just in time to stuff the stockings full of side-effects for Christmas 2013.