The Bold BBQ Taste You Crave, Now In A Bite-Sized Wafer.
Free 8x10 Portrait
With Every Ticket
Lethbridge Regional Police are reminding drivers to watch
where they speed, as 3 new red light cameras are scheduled to be installed
around the city in early 2013. The new cameras are in addition to the three
already in operation, which have awarded 20,000 motorists with NASCAR
nominations and 500 more with red light tickets since the first one went up in
2010. Police have maintained that the cameras are meant to increase
intersection safety and not city coffers, but did note that they appreciated
the generosity of city speeders.
“I try to look at every ticket as a contribution to my
daughter’s college fund,” says Inspector Perry Jones, “You chose to drive 110 km/hr
through a red light camera you pass every single day, so I get paid enough to
keep her from working as a stripper.”
Motorists will receive a warning in the mail for the first
month that the cameras are active, immediately after which the harvest will
begin.
The Gift That Keeps
On Giving
It’s a Christmas like any other for a high class Mob family
in Montreal, until their beloved patriarch has a heart attack and faceplants
into his bacon. Across the country in Vancouver, a mother of four is found in
the toy aisle of her local Walmart clutching a toy her estate has since been
billed for. Unable to pay for extravagant gifts like his ex-wife and her new
husband, a divorced father of two hangs himself by the chimney with care. These
gruesome scenarios are the kind of horrifying stuff I want you to imagine when
I describe to you the deadly disease that could potentially be eating you from
the inside out: Holiday Stress.
Stress causes 64% of all Non-Turkey Fatalities during the
holidays, with the remaining 36% taken up by Over-Eating (16%), Improperly
Prepared Stuffing (13%), and Alcohol (7%). A study by the Boston Holiday
Institute in Chicago, Illinois found rats that had a difficult Christmas were
70% more likely to drink themselves to an early grave than rats that
experienced an enjoyable one. Fortunately, BHI researchers believe they’ve
isolated a compound in leftover turkey sandwiches which can be synthesized and
resold to consumers as an overpriced ‘cure’ for Acute Holiday Stress Syndrome
(AHSS). The proposed drug, Holidol, is expected to be on Pharmacy shelves just
in time to stuff the stockings full of side-effects for Christmas 2013.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You survived the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse and all you got was
this lousy horoscope. And an entire bunker full of dry goods.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Congratulations Taurus! You were voted most popular
Horoscope of 2012 in a Lethbridge Journal Secret Ballot collected without the
knowledge of the voters. From your skill with a broadsword to your value as a
drinking buddy, this was the year your Taurian qualities made you the friend to
beat and the lover to lust after.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Your fiery temper puts you into conflict with people who are
often much more important than you are, which means they’re going to make it a
priority to break your spirit as soon as possible. Like they say, the squeaky
wheel gets busted down to inventory duty for making all that noise.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Tell everybody else to shut up, because today you are right
about everything*. This is the only time in your entire life that this is going
to happen, so make the most of it and take some pictures or something. Being
right about everything does not preclude somebody from stuffing you in a
trash-can for being a know-it-all.
*Everything is used here to indicate only empirical or
subjective situations. For example, if you were to claim that The Hulk could
beat Captain America in a fight you would be right- but if you said that all
dogs are just cats in disguise, you would be wrong.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Having somehow managed to miss all of the classic Christmas
specials this year (Frosty, Rudolph, ‘Caroling with Pink Floyd’), you’re left
with two options: Wait to get your fix until next Christmas, or steal them from
the internet- though one can hardly call it stealing when most of them are old
enough that they’ve got to be public domain by now. [The L-Journey does not
advocate actually stealing these timeless classics, available now on DVD from
DreamWorks Classics (Formerly Classic Media) FOR A PRICE.]
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Mars and Saturn are in alignment, which means your YouTube
tutorial “How to Open a Blister Pack” will be the next big video to go viral.
It’s such a shame people are watching it to see you slice your fingers open and
not for your ‘Five easy tips to avoid slicing your fingers open’.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This year, make good on last year’s resolution to help the
homeless. You have a ton of boxes left over from Christmas and just enough
engineering expertise to construct a shelter for the less fortunate, complete
with waterslide and workout room. Make it so.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Take some time to reflect this week, and consider how far
you’ve come in just 12 short months: Still broke, still hate your job, still
don’t treat your body as well as you wish you did. You’ve seen a lot more
movies since last year though, so there’s that.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You’ve been promising yourself you’d become productive for
months, but I think it’s time to admit your lifestyle just isn’t going to
include any kind of meaningful achievement. Pour a glass of something delicious
and watch another eight episodes of MXC back-to-back, because not everybody is
going to change the world.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Pluto has crossed into your sign, which is actually really
confusing because it was still a planet when Astrology was last updated.
Technically you should spend your week with a box of Lego and a jar of
moonshine, but since the planet ruling your sign right now isn’t a planet you
could also spontaneously burst into flame at any moment.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
It bothers me when people confuse Thunder and Lightning as
much as it bothers you, but yelling ‘Homunculus’ at your grandmother over
Christmas dinner was a tad harsh. You should probably apologize before she dies
and leaves you with 40 years of guilt to look forward to.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You’ve been worried about your finances lately, but you
don’t need to pawn your Christmas presents to make ends meet. You might be able
to get a fair price for the electronics, but the only person who will buy your
sweater just wants it to be ironic.
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