Buongiorno a tutti, and Happy Halloween!
My condolences go out to the grieving families following
their devastating loss of 4 teenagers in a tragic accident. There are too few
words to describe the kind of deep hurt that comes from the loss of young men and
women with their whole lives before them, but it has drawn the community
together stronger than ever and if it is any consolation they will never be
forgotten.
I hope this column finds you well, or at least well enough
to read it! If not, you should hit up a friend to read it for you and then
recount my best lines to you poorly. In the business we call this ‘Word of
Mouth’. THE MORE YOU KNOW! Also, am I the only one who finds it weird when Hugh
Jackman does press for movies with his real accent?
Local woman Mrs. Astor has asked that all nogoodniks and
scallywags steer clear of her property this Halloween, as Mr. Astor has finally
been approved for a home nurse and there’s no longer anything stopping her from
chasing them off with a hose. Mrs. Astor’s house has been a popular target for
vandalism for eight of the nine years she’s lived there, the one exception
being 2007 as that was when she drove to Regina with her Bridge Club to see the
casino. Neighbours suspect her choice of treats have been the motivation behind
the harassment, which have included- among other things- toothpaste, low-fat
granola bars, and small packages of used Kleenex.
Area Costume “retailer” ‘Bob’s Mighty Van Of Legally
Acquired Halloween Outfits’ has reported an interesting trend in this year’s
costume sales. The number of ‘sexy’ costumes being purchased has dropped
drastically as it became socially acceptable to wear underwear as clothes,
which has rendered all currently ‘sexy’ costumes not revealing enough. Outlet
owner Bob suggests purchasing some lengths of wire and rubber bands to fashion
the right costume for you, and warns that with the big day approaching he won’t
be able to keep more than a few feet of yarn in stock at a time. Other popular
outfits include most of a Batman costume and a Superman costume that somebody
died in.
Pumpkin amnesty groups are asking Canadians to ‘Remember the
Pumpkin’ this Halloween. “Pumpkins are the most noble member of their genus,”
said Gourds International founder Jack O’Lantern, “How would you like it if
somebody raised you from birth just to carve a grotesque face in your torso?”
When it was pointed out to Mr. O’Lantern that Pumpkins are not sentient and
therefore almost certainly don’t mind being used for decoration, he yelled
“That’s what they WANT you to think!” before carving a goofy face in a member
of the press and running off screaming “Pie is Murder”.
HORRORSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You will die in a motel shower shortly before the proprietor
plans to break in and murder you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You will be assaulted by a man who breeds and sells headless
horses from his ranch in Sleepy Hollow. Take him to court for a cash
settlement, he can afford it.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You will be bitten by a rabid werewolf on Halloween but
don’t worry because Animal Control got him and he was just somebody’s dog in a
costume. Watch out for that Rabies shot by the way.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Wear underwear with your costume, you don’t need a repeat of
last year’s fiasco. In your defense however, most of the enduring gossip seems
to be very complimentary, if a bit forward.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You will benefit most this Halloween from a night in with
that special somebody (or something) irritating parents by giving out handmade
Rice Krispy squares and gummy Razor Blades to their children.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
There is a 50/50 chance your secret wish of total Zombie
Apocalypse will come true on Halloween, but the stars won’t tell me if you’re
looking at the slow and mindless ‘Dawn of the Dead’ zombie or the really freaky
RAGE zombie from ‘28 Days Later’. Pack a shotgun and be prepared for the
unexpected if you want to make it to the second movie alive.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Drive carefully this week, the pedestrian you hit and dump
in the ocean could spend a year in traction before coming back to murder you
and your close friend Sarah Michelle Gellar.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
A difficult decision is just around the corner- that hot
costume you’ve been eying is only available in a size below what you’d normally
consider tight and you’ve only got a couple days to slim down. If all else fails, add some accessories to
last Halloween’s costume and hope nobody notices.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
If you go out to Pulse or Studio tonight, you will be felt
up by more than one person dressed as Papa Smurf and at least one of them will
try to snatch your wallet. Really not much different from any other night at a
bar in Lethbridge, let’s be honest.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You will become suspicious that your next door neighbor is a
vampire when they bite you on the neck and suck your blood, but you should
probably be more worried about the gypsy across the street who’s mad at you for
trampling her Hydrangeas.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
There’s conflict in your future if you aren’t diplomatic
while trying to score cheap chocolate bars on November 1st, although
you can avoid the mess if you invest in a relatively realistic weapon for your
Halloween costume. The other customers talk a big game, but they brought an
Amex to a gunfight baby.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
If you watch the tape and don’t return it in seven days you
will die. Or the Library will assess you for late fees, it really varies from
region to region. At any rate, the tape itself probably won’t kill you- unless
it’s a copy of the 1972 film Night of the Lepus.
Birthday Baby
For the next couple of years you’re going to have to put up
with some pretty awful costumes, but once you’re old enough to tell your mom to
stop dressing you like a Winnie the Pooh character you’re home free- it’s all
Transformers and Princesses from then on, even Power Rangers if you’re an
ironic hipster baby.
