Guten Tag! Tell me, in the future from which you are reading
this, has Fox admitted they still make BILLIONS from The Simpsons and they’re
just being cheap? No? Who wants to organize a mob with me? No? Fine, I’ll just
complain about it on the internet.
Debate broke out recently at the University of Lethbridge
over a referendum to socialize the cost of a Student Bus Pass. Proponents of
the UPass believe it will encourage use of public transit and reduce carbon
output, while critics maintain that the $77.50/semester charge is an unfair
burden for those who already pay for alternate forms of transport and parking.
Both sides have suffered severe casualties in the ensuing discussion, and with
the vote still on the way more are expected. Transit authorities are reportedly
excited to begin slowly increasing the price over the next several years while
nobody is looking.
The provincial Progressive Conservatives shocked everyone,
including themselves, when they accidentally elected Alison Redford the leader
of their party, and by extension the Premier-Designate of Alberta. Political
Commentators have had a field day with the appointment, using their thesaurus
to procure words ranging from the usual ‘unlikely’ and ‘surprising’ to more
exotic fare such as ‘astonishing’ and ‘never in a million years would I have
ever ever guessed it’. Pundits expect her attempts to bring a different
perspective to government will mostly be met by resistance at every turn, with
lobby groups and opposition MLAs lining up to complain about her policies even
before she officially took office.
Apple co-founder and honorary member of the Justice League
Steve Jobs passed away at the age of 56, leaving behind a legacy of unique
aesthetic design and overpriced hardware. The company plans to erect a large
statue in Jobs’ honor, which will include a Retina display, voice control, and
be replaced by a newer generation statue roughly a year after its unveiling.
Stock in turtleneck sweaters peaked following the announcement as a generation
of Mac Cultists flocked to fashion boutiques to imitate their idol’s iconic
image of a pale underfed guy in old man clothes holding a shiny toy.
HOROSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Your fondness for fire will lead to trouble with the
authorities if you let your ADHD get the best of you. Reconsider selling your
meds to your friends until you’re sure you can handle a chemical fire without
losing your focus.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Watch your finances closely next month, as you may run into
money trouble during a vacation getaway that will later turn out to be a Gay
Cruise. Don’t be put off if it’s not your scene though, because they mix a mean
martini and plus one of them might be Lady GaGa.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
An accident at work will leave you stressed while you pick
up the pieces, but you can avoid having to collect dismembered body parts with
a simple review of safety procedures while handling high explosives.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
The crystal ball says you’ll find true love next week, but
it also claimed Apple was going to reveal an iPhone 5 and not a 4S, so who
knows how accurate this thing is.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
This is the weirdest thing; the only thing I’m getting for
you is the word ‘Powder’. Hopefully that means something to you, because I’m
stumped. Maybe now is the time to try skiing?
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
As the weather gets colder, refrain from stuffing chemical
heat packs down your pants as cotton underwear is extremely flammable and hot
water bottles are more comfortable anyway.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
That YouTube video of you crying during The Lion King 3D
will go viral and get your best friend arrested for illegally filming a copyrighted
movie, but it’s okay because everybody cries during that part and it doesn’t
make you less cool.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You will run into your ex at a social event this week, step
carefully or everyone you know will learn some pretty juicy secrets about you.
It never hurts to have a Plan B, so start looking into relocating to another
city to get a head start on your dirty laundry.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
It’s always good to face your fears, but assaulting a clown
while yelling ‘DIE DIE DIE’ will raise some eyebrows among the rest of the
Birthday party. Wait for him in the parking lot after hours instead.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
FYI- your neighbours can see you when you rap along to
Eminem in your bathrobe and while they’re impressed you know all the lyrics to
Guilty Conscience it’s uncomfortable that you’re doing when their kids are
coming home from school. Push your ‘me time’ back a couple hours to avoid a
run-in with them, or start taking better care of covering up anything private.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
No matter how much Halloween candy you buy, by the time
Trick Or Treaters make it to your door all you’ll have are some Rockets and
those little red and white mint candies that you don’t remember purchasing but
have a thousand of. Enjoy it, they make those mini chocolate bars just two or
three times a year.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
It doesn’t matter how hard you work, until you’re willing to
start wearing pants to the office that promotion will continue to elude you.
It’s also time to pick up some new dance moves, because while disco is still
cool ironically it won’t do you any favours.
Birthday Baby
You’re going to grow up in a world where Nirvana is classic
rock and that’s just weird.
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