Greetings,
salutations, shalom, and good day to you! I see you have picked up a copy of
the Lethbridge Journal! How do you like it so far? At the time of this writing
it is too early to tell if they have accepted my suggestion of nude models to
attract a more diverse audience, but if they have and you were drawn to the
Journal because of the various naked people please
let us know. They don’t think it’ll work.
They
call me the Twitter Guy, and I will be your guide to what’s happening in the
world around you, from our Mayor’s mad guitar skillz to Angela Merkel’s
striking resemblance to a pit bull. And, if you can’t get enough of our take on
the news here, follow me on Twitter @Leth_Local_News for frequent updates on
the stupid things people do. Enjoy!
In
local news, a hooligan faces charges following a one-man crime spree during
which he assaulted two women, stole two vehicles, committed theft over $5000,
and spooked livestock. When appearing before a judge he explained he ‘needed
help’ and must now undergo a psychological evaluation to see if he is fit to
stand trial. “Even the defendant admits only a crazy person would do what he
did,” said the Judge, “We’d better make sure this time.”
In
sports, the return of goaltender Brandon Anderson to Lethbridge from the
Washington Capitals camp leaves the Hurricanes with three goalies. Head Coach
Rich Preston has high hopes for the new ‘triple threat’, saying “That leaves me
with two players to get my beer and mini donuts”. Preston gave no indication on
whether or not the team would focus on letting fewer goals in this season
In
national news, the Harper Conservatives have come under fire for recent bouts
of spend-happiness in a time of austerity. A top general was caught using
public funds to take private jets on personal business, defending himself
saying “Have you ever flown coach? I always get stuck next to some creepy guy
who smells like peanut butter and sadness”. The Conservatives also took flak
for reintroducing an expensive ‘Omnibus bill’ on crime, which is expected to
making sweeping changes to Canadian justice from increased penalties for
shenaniganism to mandatory minimum sentences for conspiracy to enjoy drugs. And
finally, the Conservatives took another hit over the hiring of a $90,000/day
consulting firm to advise them on trimming the fat from the budget. Finance
Minister Jim Flaherty told the press next on the list was “A $90,000/day
consulting firm to advise us on making less ironic decisions”.
HOROSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Steer clear of 23rd Street on Sunday. Seriously,
just… just don’t go down 23rd. I’m not joking. Just don’t.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You will make awkward eye contact with a cop while waiting
for a light, only to realize you’re holding your cell phone and eating a
cheeseburger. A financial transaction will not benefit you today.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
A wedding you were planning to attend will be cancelled when
the groom discovers his wife-to-be is a man, intervene and patch things up
between them so your nice outfit doesn’t go to waste.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Venus is in Libra, which means it’s time to dust off your
Spice Girls CDs and pretend it’s still socially acceptable for somebody your
age to use a hairbrush for a microphone. Don’t accept any offers of candy from
men in white vans next week; they only have Licorice Allsorts and
Butterscotches from 1983.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
A horoscope will give you some bad romantic advice this
week; tell your significant other what you really think of their irritating
little habits, honesty always makes a relationship stronger. Mercury is not in
retrograde, and be thankful because if it was there’d be no scientific basis
for it.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
If you don’t go to the bathroom before you leave your house
you’re not going to get another chance- I’m serious, you do this every time.
The stars told me so.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Going to work drunk will endear you to your coworkers and make
you attractive to members of the opposite gender. Just pick a mild liquor or
your whiskey breath could stop you from sealing the deal.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
An attempt to demonstrate your Moves Like Jagger will end in
the ER. Take advantage of the time off work to discover your passion for online
poker.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Don’t forget an important day coming up or you’ll have to
buy a doghouse just to sleep in it, and brother they ain’t comfortable.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
An episode of Nancy Grace will provide that epiphany you’ve
been looking for. Act quickly on your intuition this week to succeed, or don’t-
it’s your choice.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You will receive a promising email from a Nigerian Prince
who really needs your help, but you should back off because I heard from him
first so the money is mine!
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
It’s time to take a stand for consumer rights! If you ask
for Coke and they only have Pepsi, report them to the Better Business Bureau
for being anti-competitive. Your lucky number is 317.
Birthday Baby
In 20 years you will find this horoscope in your parents’
cellar and laugh at how great life was before the aliens invaded and enslaved
us all.
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