It’s the end of the
world as we know it, and I feel fine
As I’m writing this, the media is reporting a man armed with
assault weapons has massacred 20+ children and a number of adults. I’m sure by
now you’ve heard about it a few hundred times. Nevertheless, I’d like to take
this opportunity to focus my best wishes, hopes, vibrations and prayers on the
people of Newtown (Formerly Oldtown).
Looking Forward To 2013
As we bid a fond ‘Ugh’ to 2012, and possibly all of mankind,
we turn our attention now to the news stories that will shape the year ahead:
The Economy
At the end of 2012 everybody seems to be broke except the
businesses posting record profits. America is days away from flinging itself
off a self-proclaimed fiscal cliff, unable to make ends meet without either
eliminating education from the budget or asking the wealthy to take a tax hike.
As we move into 2013, be sure to join the Lethbridge Journal Financial Collapse
Betting Pool and pick which nation you think will slip into bankruptcy next!
The Environment
2012 was the year that Mother Nature fought back, hitting
mankind with an onslaught of superstorms, earthquakes, and general chaos. Our
increasingly defiant defilement of nature in the face of mounting evidence will
make 2013 a turning point. We’re running out of rainforest, we’re running out
of oil, we’re running out of ozone, and we’re running out of time. I’d take the
opportunity to learn to swim, if I were you.
Government
Two big stories dominated the political discussion for most
of 2012, shaping the narrative for 2013 and beyond. The first story has been
the debate over the role of government- how much control do they deserve? What
is their place in modern society? The second story concerns the corruption of
government, which flared up in the latter half in the year as scandal after
scandal broke to reveal a new corrupt official. With traditional institutions
failing us and government credibility at an all-time low, 2013 will either be
the year politicians redeem themselves or the year we lose faith in the only
system keeping us from anarchy. Abandon all hope.
Star Wars Episode VII
Story details, director details, casting details. We need to
know and we need to know NOW, DAMMIT.
I’d like to wish you all a Merry Non-Denominational Winter
Festival Celebration, and a Happy Secular Date Rollover, and if we make it to
2013 intact I look forward to harassing you at home via the Lethbridge Journal
until you pay me back what you owe me.
-
James
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Turns out it’s a Federal Crime to send prank pizzas to 24
Sussex Drive. Luckily, Prison Orange is your colour and they have movie nights
every Wednesday.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Treat yourself to a movie bonanza this week, because you’ve
really earned it and also because the world might end today and you haven’t
seen The Hobbit yet.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Do unto others as you would like to be unto, by them- rough,
with lots of studs and leather. People respond more strongly to somebody who
knows what they like.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Finals are over, which means it’s time to kick back and
relax for a few weeks while you forget everything you learned. After all, how
else are you supposed to make room for everything you’re going to learn next
semester?
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
After years of Spamwiches and Ramen, you’ve moved up in the
world and found a career. Now you can afford proper food, like processed deli
meats and canned soup! Hey, everything is relative.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
The TV you bought on Black Friday is already obsolete- sure
it does 3D but how can you really appreciate the scale of Avatar on a 60”
screen? Keep your eyes out for Boxing Day flyers, because I’ve heard there’s an
even bigger television out there just waiting for your credit card to clear.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
2012 represents a year of mistakes for you, which is okay
because frankly it was like that for everybody. I’d say you should make 2013
the year of apologies, but if we even make it to 2013 alive you might as well
spend most of it celebrating that instead. You can make up for it in 2014
anyways.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Consider trying to spend your Christmas off your cell phone,
and instead interact with your family members. You may find that as you’ve
grown older they’ve become a lot crazier and a lot more fun to talk to. Provoke
your uncle with enough wine he’ll even do the Party Rock Anthem dance for you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You’d think by now you’d know better than to keep a jar of
Nutella around the house, but here you are again with chocolate goo all over
your face and no memory of the last hour. I know they say it’s good for you,
but nothing is good for you when you eat it by the pound.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Men have an unfortunate tendency to dismiss makeup out of
hand as ‘women stuff’, which does it a great disservice. I’m not saying you
need to layer on a whole bunch of blush and eyeliner, but a little foundation
goes a long way to making you look less like a particularly gristly slab of
meat and more like a handsome man. Back me up, ladies!
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
I’ve never tried it, but I hear on a particularly icy day
you can make it all the way down Whoop-Up Drive and most of the way back up
using ice skates. Given the way winter drivers are in Lethbridge, it’s probably
safer too- but wear a helmet so when you fall you’re easier to identify.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You still haven’t bought Christmas presents. Time to panic.
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