I know what we’re going to do today!
Did You Check The
Hard Drive Room?
The federal government recently announced after a month-long
‘Do We Tell Them or Not?’ session that they maybe had possibly misplaced a hard
drive that may or may not have contained the sensitive personal information of
over half a million student loan borrowers. The information, which covers a
period from 2000-2006, includes names, birthdates, social insurance numbers,
turn-ons, favorite foods, and taste in music. Officials have begun to notify
affected individuals now that they’re sure they’ve lost the drive, and plan to
include a photo of a small cat captioned ‘I’m Vewwy Sowwy’ with every letter.
The Squeeze
Hurting for cash? Feeling the Christmas Hangover? Here are
some quick, easy tips to tighten your wallet and get back to solvency without
resorting to prostitution (again).
1) Say Amen to Ramen – A staple of the poor-as-dirt
diet since its invention, Ramen is the main export of the country of Ichiban.
Made from a thick sawdust paste flavoured with small bags of green bits and
coloured salt, it is sold in bulk for cheap and can be combined with other
popular broke foods such as crackers or mustard to diversify the flavour
profile.
2) Take Advantage of Free – There’s free
stuff everywhere, if you know where to look. People will throw out perfectly
good stuff just because their dog peed on a bunch of it, and you can always
find a good meal if you’re willing to brave the right dumpster. You think I’m
joking, but there really are people who pay for school/debt/bills this way.
Chez Dumpster, bon appetite.
3) Sell Fluids, Not Organs – As you may or
may not know, body parts are a multi-billion dollar black market industry (and
depending on where you are, the ‘black market’ status is debatable). But while
the foolish and the greedy will eagerly part out their organs for a quick
payday, the truly wise leave their body intact and sell off their juices
instead. There’s always an eccentric billionaire with a rare disease that is
desperate for your plasma, or your bile, or your saliva or whatever, and he
will pay through the wallet to get it.
Ground Control To
Major Tom
Canadian Rocket Man Chris “The Moustache” Hadfield has
gained quite a following on popular Internets hangout The Twitter recently,
part of a growing wave of interest in space exploration cultivated primarily
through social media. Along with the Mars Curiosity Rover, which briefly had
its account suspended for tweeting nude photos of itself in a Martian hotel
room, Hadfield has made NASA sexy again by offering the average person a way to
see the world that so few ever get the chance to experience. As if that weren’t
enough, he also has plans to become a pop sensation by writing and recording an
album in zero gravity entitled ‘Suck on this, Justin Bieber’.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
The self-improvement bug will bite you, as it does around
this time every year. Resist the temptation to hit the gym immediately- wait
until all the New Years’ Resolution people give up and stop going so you don’t
have to wait for a machine.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Like the namesake of your sign, you are hardly well known
for your grace and poise. Don’t lose track of your limbs this weekend, or risk
an unexpected financial mishap during a trip to the China shop. (‘You broke it,
you bought it’ as it were.)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
In desperate need of a model for an art project, your
roommate will accidentally seal your pet in Paper Mache. (That’s Papier-mâché for the snooty Frenchmen among you). Fortunately the quality of the workmanship
is suspect so there’s a good chance you’ll get it back alive, if hairless.
That’s less of a problem if your pet was already hairless.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Your love of scented candles is beginning to frustrate those
you love, because unfortunately they just can’t tell the difference between
paraffin wax and soy wax like you can. Deep down you suspect there may not be a
quantifiable difference between them, but after years of perpetuating the lie
it’s hard to let go.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Your plan to avoid paying back your student loans by moving
to a new city under the assumed name “Kernel Sanders” tells me one thing: your
tuition was not money well spent.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
A Capricorn in your art class found out from Cosmo that
Virgos are among the most sexually adventurous signs in Astrology, and so
they’ve been hitting on you since day one. It’s nice that they cared enough to
do a little research, but frustrating that they didn’t read enough to learn
that you’re more compatible with Kernel Sanders than you are with them.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Barely a month into the new semester and you’ve already had
eight exams, two finals, and a half dozen chapter tests- just from one class
alone. Nobody said that the life of a student was easy, but your blood pressure
is through the roof and you’re starting to have chest pains. Take a moment for
you during your next study break, and just scream into a pillow or something
for fifteen to twenty minutes.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Your fondness for the erotic arts is soon to get you into
trouble with your significant other, unless you find a better hiding spot. Not
to diminish your confidence as far as that goes, by the way, but they found
their Christmas present in 15 minutes last year so think harder if you want to
avoid an argument this time around.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Don’t obsess so much over money, things may be tight now but
things will get better if you work hard and save towards important goals. Plus,
if you ever hit it big you’ll have a huge list of things you could never afford
before that you’ll be able to start checking off. Solid Gold iPad? Check.
Personal Formula One car? Check. Robot Pal that dispenses Nacho Cheese? Shipped
from Japan, expected to arrive within days.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
In desperate need of a model for an art project, you will
accidentally seal your roommate’s pet in Paper Mache. (That’s Papier-mâché for the snooty Frenchmen among you). Lucky for everyone, you only took
art to impress a Virgo so there’s a fairly good chance the little critter will
have plenty of air holes to choose from.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
January is the best time to throw a yard sale and get rid of
that post-Christmas clutter. You have absolutely no other competition for
customers if you go for it right now, and as Canadians we’re not afraid to
brave a little ice and snow to rummage through somebody else’s unwanted
personal belongings.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Whatever you do, do not let a Taurus near your priceless
Ming Vase this week. It will end in tears.
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