And here we are again;
Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel.
Unrest continues in Quebec as students protest a potential
tuition hike by smashing police cars and yelling at politicians. “They’re like
Americans with their taxes,” says Quebecologist Dr. Jacques French, “It doesn’t
matter that what they pay now is low or even unsustainable compared to the rest
of Canada, they simply cannot accept it going up. We’re talking about the kinds
of people who wreck a shop display because Coke went up by $0.10.” Many
taxpayers have been unsympathetic to the cause as well. “I appreciate that they
want school to be accessible to all,” said Montreal mother Jean Dough, “but
things are expensive. Get used to the idea. C’est la vie, it sucks, move on and
stop breaking my shop windows.”
Skechers, the company behind popular toning shoes such as
“Shape-Ups”, has agreed to a $40 million settlement for consumers who believed
claims that the $100 sneakers would help them lose weight. The company may
still sell the shoes in question, but is no longer allowed to make any claim
that the shoe assists in losing weight or toning muscles. In response, Skechers
is planning to unveil a comprehensive new marketing strategy that will focus
primarily on consumers who are oblivious to fashion trends and adore products
they believe to be comfortable, such as those who purchase high-priced yoga
pants but do not do yoga, and those who wear Crocs.
In game news, the long-awaited sequel to millions of ruined
childhoods, “Diablo III”, was recently released to mortal men for the first
time, following a protracted development period of several thousand years.
However, the release was marred by catastrophic server failures as every single
gamer on the face of the Earth attempted to log on and play the game at the
same exact time, exposing several flaws in developer Blizzard’s “Always-Online”
internet requirement. Relationship and Addiction counselors are warning people
with a Diablo player in the house to approach with caution once the servers are
back online, as they may mistake you for a demon and attempt to loot your desecrated
corpse for magic items once they begin playing.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
With a little work, you can squeeze what
you need out of the budget you have. If you still can’t quite make the numbers
crunch, sell your body to advertisers and become a walking billboard. Your new
name is “2000 Flushes”, by the way.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
That light you saw last week was merely
swamp gas reflecting off the bottom of an unidentified alien spacecraft. There
is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. However, if you have come into
contact with a thick green gel that refers to itself as ‘Samwise’, continue
remaining calm and contact the military.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Be prepared to relocate to keep ahead and
get what you want. Move your laptop from
the living room to the kitchen table so that you’ll be closer to the fridge if
you get thirsty. Your winning lottery numbers this week are (2x-1)=y and 47.2.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
An escalating war of pranks is the last
thing you need in your house, but I’m afraid your roommate has been asking for
it ever since they hit you in the head with a paint can a la Home Alone. Throw
a jalapeno pepper in with their underwear while they’re doing laundry and wait
patiently.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You will find success on Reality Television
as the person who always promised themselves they would conduct themselves with
humility and grace if the got on TV, but turns out to the same
limelight-hogging backstabber we all love and expect.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
If ‘Funny’ news stories have taught us
anything, it’s that there is nothing you can’t rob using a gun-shaped cologne
bottle and a hoodie- and that includes stores that exclusively sell gun-shaped
colognes and hoodies. “Burglar Barn”, they’ll call it, and it will make very
little money.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your mother called, she wants to know why
you never phone her back. I told her it’s because you’re busy with work, but
let’s be realistic here: It’s because when she called you were in the middle of
an Angry Birds game and by the time you got three stars you forgot.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Now’s the time to get back into reading and
exploring your imagination. Most of the details will start to trickle back in a
few days as you remember the names of all the letters, but a couple of
consonants are bound to elude you without the help of a balanced breakfast.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You can’t take Red Bull intravenously, STOP
ASKING.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Pay tribute to fellow Capricorn Donna
Summer by digging up as many old disco records as you can find and working on
your dance moves. Disco isn’t dead, it just blacked out in a ditch somewhere
for thirty years and woke up next to Elvis Presley.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Last week, you were going to have a chance
encounter with a former flame. If you would have played your cards right, you
would’ve had a very good chance at rekindling the romance. Too bad it didn’t
work out though, what with
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You need to get to Dallas immediately and
warn the secret service that President Kennedy is going to be assassinated!
Wait a second… I must have miscalibrated my Amway Astrologizer this morning,
that can’t be right… Nope, that’s what the stars say! Well what are you waiting
for, go save JFK!
Birthday Baby
This year, give the person in charge of
your party very specific instructions on what you would like, then act
completely horrified at what they’ve done when you come back. They’ll be so mad
at you for that, they’ll forget all about how you’re planning on shove their
face into the cake and post it on Facebook.
No comments:
Post a Comment