Stay a while, and listen!
Toronto-based think-tank ‘Professor Xavier’s Institute for
the Mentally Interesting’ has published a new report calling for the
replacement of Tasers with a “more lethal non-lethal weapon, or weaponized
animal”. The lead author of the report, Admiral Heinz Ketchup, explained the
Institute’s findings: “From 2001-2012, Tasers were only responsible for a few
hundred deaths in the United States and most of them just hit their head on the
way down. In the same period, guns successfully killed tens of thousand of otherwise
completely healthy people! We feel the military-industrial complex could be
doing a much more effective job of non-lethally killing naked people at the airport.”
The report suggests, among other weapons, a “Crossbow tipped with poison from
Amazonian Dart Frogs” and “Some sort of microwave gun that would make the
target soil themselves”.
Financial consultants have issued warnings to their clients
that the Canadian Bird Housing bubble is at risk of collapse. “As Canadian
birds accrue more and more personal debt, we find it hard to recommend taking
out a mortgage or loan on your birdhouse,” says the warning from accounting
firm Sylvester and Tweety. “Birds are migratory animals with almost no equity. Unlike
Squirrels or Chipmunks they very rarely have anything saved for the harsh
winter months, which makes long-term planning difficult... and they often make
chickenfeed compared to other animals in similar jobs.” Experts believe that
while the economy is currently taking a birdbath, a recovery is inevitable as
long as everyone keeps saying it.
The United States government has released a series of
letters recovered from Osama bin Laden’s stronghold, many of which express
dismay at the state of the world “Can you believe who got voted off the X
Factor last night?” reads one, “A jihad upon Simon Cowell!” Another letter
expresses dismay and self-doubt. “I just feel like I blew my big chance, you
know? We really had something going, but I just wasn’t a strong enough leader
to keep the momentum. It’s so frustrating! Plus, Akbar also brought me the last
episode of LOST yesterday, and I was so disappointed I cried.”
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Greet each new day is if it were your last:
Make a cheeseburger out of two smaller cheeseburgers and chain-smoke while
pumping your gas. What are you living for anyways, the FUTURE? Everybody knows
in the future we’ll all be murdered by robots.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
All of your endeavours this week will be more successful if
you include a guitar solo. If you can’t find one you like, just grab a guitar
and go all Van Halen on it. People will find you more attractive, things will
cost less, and people you don’t know will stop by to beg for an autograph.
That’s the power of music my friend.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
You’ll have a run-in with a mysterious
stranger at the 13th St. Tim Hortons and accidentally swap cell
phones. Now here’s the thing: there’s like a 75% chance it’ll be a secret agent
and you’ll get embroiled in an international conspiracy. The other 25%? The
phone belongs to a sex pervert. Those are better-than-average odds.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
You will be awarded the Nobel Prize in
Flavour for your doctoral thesis on the origin of the Buffalo Wing, which are
not derived from Buffalo meat as scientists initially believed but are rather
named after their inventor, M. Bison.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You are not alone in your fight: 1 in 15
Canadians were extremely confused by John Travolta in the movie Hairspray, and
if everybody donates just $12 to the Edna Turnblad Foundation we can find a
cure!
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Normally I would absolutely advise you to
put your career first, but “Guy Holding The Little Caesars Sign” isn’t really a
career. Although I guess it’s probably more of a career than “Freelance
Writer”, so take this one with a grain of salt.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Make sure you keep your brand new Xbox 360
with Kinect in a room with a high ceiling, because those little square tiles
made of compressed dust you have in your family room don’t put up much of a
fight when you really get into the game.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
I feel like I shouldn’t have to point this
out in this day and age, but it’s a really bad idea to be teaching your kids
‘Duck and Cover’ techniques in case of nuclear attack. First off, everybody
figured out that if you’re in the blast zone, you’re history, under a desk or
not. Second, the Cold War is over. We won! Russia has Coca Cola and a thriving
porn industry, they’re like Americans with funny accents and a drinking problem
now.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Fear is the only thing keeping you from
achieving your goals. Werewolves aren’t real, and while the Illuminati ARE,
they have much more important business to attend to right now than your future
position as President of Canada. Which is actually something else we need to
discuss…
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
School has been a major source of stress in
your life lately, but that’s no reason to break down crying every time you hear
the words ‘exam’ and ‘study’ unless they’re referring to an uncomfortable
medical procedure. Blow off the pressure by learning something worth knowing,
like how to hack school databases and ruin the grading curve.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
The average Aquarius has an affinity for
water where the other signs do not, except I guess Pisces and maybe Cancer.
Anyways, my point is that you don’t share that affinity for some reason so
bring along some water wings next time you hit the pool. That way, you won’t
drown and ruin the already-shaky reputation of public swimming pools.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Part of the reason you’re having trouble
finding work may have something to do with the results that come up when
prospective employers Google your name. Things like “Beer Bong Champion, Eight
Years Running” don’t scream ‘Senior VP in Sales’ for some reason, although
depending on the company I guess that could be an asset too.
Birthday Baby
Birthday cake as we know it is actually
relatively recent, and was originally available almost exclusively to the very
wealthy. So, despite your crippling debt and questionable future full of
resource wars, just remember that to a kid in the 19th century you
are living like a KING.
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