You guys again!
Since there was no way to know for sure who was going to win
this past Alberta Election by my deadline, as a cop-out I present to you a
POLITICAL MAD LIB. Bust out those grapes and elephants and start dancing!
Congratulations, (Name)! You are the (Number)st/nd/rd/th
winner of the (Location) General Election for the year of (Year)! Assuming you
are not later (Form of Punishment, Past Tense) for cheating your way to office,
you’re in for a heck of a(n) (Unit of Time). Boy, it sure was funny when (Name)
said (Hilarious Political Gaffe or Unlikely Promise) to the (Plural Voter
Demographic)! That was a doozy! But what a(n) (Adjective) race, I almost didn’t
think you were going to win until the end there. But you ultimately ran the
(Adjective) campaign, and the (Adjective) (Noun) won. Good luck with balancing
your (Noun) with all those (Plural Noun) you made! Hopefully, you’ll still lead
all the (Plural Noun) of (Location) to a(n) (Adjective) tomorrow!
In local news, a Fort Macleod couple was found alive last
week after vanishing during a day trip to Fernie. The couple, Anja and Jacob
Oosterwijk, say they became stuck in snow after attempting to chase a
mysterious white rabbit that cut them off on the highway screaming “I’m late!
I’M LATE!” Friends say the two are re-integrating into modern society quickly
after 72 hours away and are already remembering fragments of their former
lives. “They’ve already been checking their eBay bids, and we hope to wean them
onto people food as soon as they tell us they’re ready.”
Norwegian Crackpot and Mass Murderer Anders Breivik took the
stand at his trial last week, hoping to vindicate his political views on
immigration by explaining in cold detail how completely sane it was for him to
plan for a teen massacre by playing World of Warcraft for 16 hours a day.
Breivik also told the court that he trained with the popular Call of Duty game
Modern Warfare 2 to get a feel for aiming using iron sights, an act equivalent
with using a Need For Speed game to prepare for your Driver’s Test, or Pong to
prepare for Wimbledon. Norway has been spellbound by the entire affair, and the
deep damage wrought by such a deeply political assault on their youth may
affect the country for years to come- and that’s no joke.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You are vibrant and full of energy this week! Turn your
hyperactivity into something productive, because it’s unhealthy to sit on the
couch and just twitch for an hour at a time unless you’re watching TV so hard
you’ve had a mild stroke.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
A big change in your life is just around the corner, and not
just ‘New Restaurant to Try” big. Approach with caution and be prepared to
strong-arm some people into getting what you want. Use clamps on the fingers
for information, and a car battery hooked up to their nipples for good old
fashioned payback.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Your accountant talked, and now you’re in trouble with the
tax man. As it turns out, the guy selling you ‘Creative Accounting’ lessons out
of the back of an old Chrysler wasn’t on the level. Who’d have thought? There’s
an Aquarius who could help you out, but they might be busy with another joke
coming up shortly.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Keep your emotions on a tight leash next week to avoid a run-in
with law enforcement. You may believe that you’re Jackie Chan in “Drunken
Master”, but you’re really going to end up like the guy who gets run over by a
hovercraft at the end of “Rumble in the Bronx”.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
You are in a place of learning right now, which means you
need to stay away from Wikipedia at all costs. Sure, it starts when you try to
look up a celebrity to see if they’re dead yet, but six hours later you’re
reading about the history of Constantinople and when you’re done that you have
some reading on Euthyphro (You got there from Jay-Z) and the Higgs Boson. You
see what I mean.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
A light smack of your head against the sink will force you
to confront some repressed memories. There’s no word on what they might be from
the angle I’m watching Jupiter, but if it’s anything like every repressed
memory ever you were inappropriately touched by a corpse you found at the old
swimming hole. Or maybe the time you got naked at a McDonalds and declared
yourself the Queen of Flavour.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Since this is a family newspaper, I can’t really give you
all the details of your horoscope right now. So instead, I wrote this Haiku: I
love Cheeseburgers/They are so meaty and good/Extra bacon please. Your lucky
number is “73”, but only for situations where 73 would be a wildly
inappropriate number of something.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Stop talking like you go to the gym, right now all you’re
really paying for is a card in your wallet to show co-workers who don’t believe
you. And they shouldn’t! The Betty Boop tattoo on your butt has really let
herself go. It’s not your fault, as a Canadian you’re genetically predisposed
to love Bacon Poutines.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Well first off, watch out for any Taurus you see walking
around with a car battery because they have a score to settle. Keep your
fingers crossed for the biggest lottery win of your life in the next couple of
weeks, because that $40 could mean the difference between generic and name
brand ichiban. By the way, did you back up all your lolcat photos like I told
you?
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your hair isn’t thinning because you switched conditioners,
it’s because your landlord is hiding toxic waste in the crawlspace when you’re
not home. You really should have clued in when the cat grew two extra legs and
a stinger on its tail that future scientists will refer to as the ‘Stabulator’.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Push your ideas hard at work, otherwise it’s going to be
impossible for your boss to take credit for your efforts again and you know how
he gets when he has to do actual work. A Capricorn may be looking for a lawyer
to represent them in a class-action suit, and as long as you avoid the
Stabulator you’ll be the perfect candidate for the job. Your thieving boss on
the other hand...
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
The truth is, the moon really IS made of cheese but until we
find another moon made of lunch meat and a couple of asteroids made of bread
it’s not much use to us. If you need a big pick-me-up, find somebody from
Chicago and tell them you only put one topping on your Pizza or Hot Dog- then
get a picture of their face. Some things money can’t buy, and that expression
will forever be one of them.
Birthday
I was looking up famous birthdays, and it turns out you and
Barbra Streisand both have birthdays near the end of April/beginning of May.
This in turn lead me to look up the song ‘Barbra Streisand’ by Duck Sauce. This
in turn lead to me doing disco moves in my living room yelling ‘Barbra
Streisand’. And that lead, in turn, to my eviction. Anyways, if you know any
Libras, expect an excessive number of candles on your cake for good luck. Happy
Birthday!
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