Attention, Attention!
I’d just like to open by saying: RED DOG IS
OPEN AGAIN AND NOBODY TOLD ME. I’M SO FREAKIN MAD AT YOU GUYS RIGHT NOW.
As an election rages across Alberta,
innocent demographics are being caught in the crossfire. Youth voters are being
bombarded with promises of lower and even non-existent tuitions, as well as
highly optimistic ‘GET OUT AND VOTE’ Facebook groups. Meanwhile seniors,
mankind’s most vulnerable demographic, have been lured in by traps such as lower
to non-existent young people and highly optimistic ‘GET OUT AND BE ACTIVE’ tax
credits. Facing an extremely difficult fight, the PCs have even resorted to
promising to fix everything they broke- including but not limited to the
Education system and Healthcare. The Wildrose party, knowing the fastest route
to a voter’s heart is by shouting KALI MA and tearing it out, has resorted to a
scandalous tour bus and promised to hand out Ralph Bucks Danielle
Dollars.
One’s
an innie and one’s an outie.
The Federal Conservatives have come under
heavy fire following a report by Canada’s Auditor General that says the
government significantly undersold the costs associated with purchasing unfinished
fighter jets. Department of National Defence representative Rex Violence told
reporters at a press conference last week that the original quote was “just the
cost of the entry-level model”, which has a 5-speed manual transmission and lacks
many key features the government was looking for. “Well first off, our guys
don’t drive stick.” said Violence, “Never have, never will. Second, since
Lockheed is offering 0% financing and $250,000 in free options, we opted to
select the LX Package and a Block Heater because, you know, CANADA.” Though he declined to discuss
the full details of the LX Package, Violence did imply that National Defence
was thinking about going for the heated leather seats, larger cupholders, and
an on-board Blu-Ray player instead of the chrome trim and extended cab favoured
by the Americans. Opposition leader Brian Mulcair is demanding the government
also add an iPod hookup “for long trips”, which Harper rejected as “we have
enough CDs”, although the PM did bow to Mulcair’s request for Microsoft SYNC
voice controls.
HOROSCOPES
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
Be prepared
to make sacrifices to get that solid-gold toilet you’ve always dreamed of.
Consider trading in your chrome-plated Dodge Grand Caravan, or at least giving
it back to the rapper your stole it from. He needs to get his kids to school in
style, and the Lambo is in the shop.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
With Mars
in alignment and sunshine on the way, now is your chance to bust out your
classic 80s leisure suit and cruise around to your collection of Miami Vice soundtrack
albums. Don’t let it get too far out of hand though- the music of the show
alone is enough to spontaneously start a massive shootout in any nearby
warehouses, marinas, or crack dens.
GEMINI (May
21-June 20)
You need to
stop telling people you would totally win at the Hunger Games, you can’t even
walk to the gas station for a pack of smokes and a Red Bull without getting
winded. And you live a block away from the gas station. And it’s downhill both
ways. Why did we let MC Escher design your neighbourhood? I don’t know. Now
take the wall stairs to your upside-down room and think about the rules of
perspective.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
You’re not
the only one who cringes when you have to tell people your sign is ‘Cancer’
because the stupid disease has completely ruined your reputation. Since a
Cancer Awareness benefit will just lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings,
your only options are to lie and claim you’re an Aries or rebrand your sign as
CRABMEAT, the sign of the zodiac that’s great with lemon zest.
LEO (July
23-Aug 22)
You should
100% absolutely make your engagement party Lord of the Rings themed. In fact,
you should dress up like Aragorn and Arwen and say the whole ‘One Ring To Rule
Them All’ speech before vanishing into thin air and making off to Lothlórien
(or Aruba if there are no flights to Middle Earth) with all the gifts. You’d
get so much nerd cred, the internet might explode.
VIRGO (Aug
23-Sept 22)
Your
allergies will return with the advent of spring, but thankfully there’s a blue
Reactine truck driving around distributing pills to people who are mildly
inconvenienced by pollen and cats! If you see it, or the incredibly excited man
driving it, please contact the police immediately as he is wanted for
possession with intent to distribute.
LIBRA (Sept
23-Oct 22)
The answer
you need for your crossword puzzle is “Nebbish”. No, wait, because then that
makes 10 Across “Phlegb”. Well hold on, how is 15 Down
“Antidisestablishmentarianism” if 13 Across is “Screwdriver”? What do you mean,
nothing else fits? Try Cement Mixer. No? Are you sure there’s no ‘X’ in 14 Down
(‘Trains’)? That’s it, I’m going to get a lighter and we’re going to finish
this puzzle book the old-fashioned way. (The clue for 13 Across was ‘To Fix a
Drink’)
SCORPIO
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
According
to your date’s Plenty Of Fish profile, they like long walks on the beach and
attending white power meetings. That seems like an odd thing to advertise-
Lethbridge doesn’t have any beaches! Well, I guess you could just walk around
Henderson, but that’s really only for people who love the smell of algae and
cigarette butts with their romantic exercise.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov 22-Dec 21)
The number
one cause of nerd suicide is hard drive failure. Remember to back up all your
genuinely important files as soon as possible, because once those lolcat photos
are gone they’re gone forever. Well, unless you have enough money to have them
recovered, but with 12 gigs of cats saved in “My Photos” I’m honestly surprised
you even have a job.
CAPRICORN
(Dec 22-Jan 19)
How many
Capricorns does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but first they have to
consult their horoscope to find out if they’ll succeed or not. You will not.
AQUARIUS
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’ll have
to use your ingenuity and sense of social tact this week to tell your boss
their fly is down at an important annual conference. May I suggest using a
bullhorn to announce ‘XYZ- EXAMINE YOUR ZIPPER’ or the ever classy giant sign
that says ‘NEXT YEAR, WEAR UNDERWEAR’. They’ll probably get the message.
PISCES (Feb
19-Mar 20)
Bring a
slice of Turtles Cheesecake to the tree behind Father Leonard Van Tighem and
leave it in an unmarked bag. If you do this, your next horoscope will be very,
VERY good. If you don’t, you’ll probably get fleas or something. What am I, a
psychic?
Birthday!
It’s your
birthday, so celebrate with an erotic cake (support a local business too!). Do you go with ‘Milky Milky Cocoa Puffs’ or
‘Orange You Glad I Didn’t Say Vagina’?
(If that is
too risqué, alternative is below)
Fun fact-
Flammable and Inflammable mean the same thing, which is what the firefighters
are going to tell you after you start filling balloons for your birthday party
while smoking a cigarette. Imagine the Hindenburg, but with everybody using
chipmunk voices because of the helium.
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