Oppan Gangnam Style!
iPhone 5: Review
I am trembling. It has been
several days since I last took a shower, and my most recent hot meal was a
frozen burrito that fell on the sidewalk and cooked itself to perfection. I
clutch a wad of crumpled bills close to my chest, willing myself to breath
slowly. I am low on supplies, and what little is left must be saved.
My boss is in line, some fourteen
people behind me. He hasn’t seen me. If he does, he won’t talk- officially
speaking, I am attending the birth of my firstborn son and he is at his
cousin’s funeral (Phlegm Cancer kills over 7 invented relatives every year).
Unofficially, however, it is a much different story. Except his cousin really
is dead, but from driving a Jeep off a mountain and into a Children’s Hospital.
Men with rifles appear on the
rooftops around us. It is nearly time. I shiver with anticipation, and feel an
uneasy quiet fall over the crowd. Somewhere, far beneath the ground in the
darkness and fire where the world was forged, I hear the steady cadence of a
drum begin to beat. Perhaps ‘hear’ is not right. I feel it, down to my bones.
A flash! An explosion of colour
blinds the assembled crowd, sending a small Cessna careening from the sky and
into a nearby duck pond where it bursts into flames. Circus animals begin to
parade past, led by men outfitted in the finest silks and rarest jewellery. At
one point, I am certain I see the Hope Diamond affixed to a Mime’s face. The
drum beats ever louder. A choir begins to chant, layering voices upon voices. A
baby begins to cry, frightened, and is silenced with a gag soaked in tears.
The line begins to move and the
crescendo peaks. The silence is deafening. A beat. A scream from the crowd.
“I GOT ONE!”
Chaos erupts. In a month’s time,
everybody will have one, but for now the fool at the front of the line is about
to be physically assaulted for the small cardboard box in his hand. The wise
gods of Capitalism smile upon us. After what feels like eons, I reach the front
of the line. A slightly overweight boy of 19 scratches his pimples.
“How many gigs and what colour
bro?” he asks.
I grab him by the shoulder with
my right hand.
“16 gigs in black, my friend!”
“NO TOUCHING” yells a man with a
very large gun.
I shove my crumpled wad of cash
into the boy’s asthmatic chest and snatch my prize from his grip with a snarl.
I don’t remember asking for a case or a product protection plan, but as I
collapse outside the store blinded by tears, I hear them clatter to the ground.
I wipe my eyes. This is the moment I have whipped myself into a frenzy for- the
defining moment not only of my own insignificant life but that of my equally
wasted generation.
I crack open the box and remove
the iPhone 5 from its elegant prison.
Words fail me.
I am taken aback for what feels
like hours, until my breath returns and I turn it on. It has cost me everything
to get to this moment.
My new iPhone 5 flickers to life,
and the euphoria slips away. Functionally, this phone is nearly
indistinguishable from the 4S I threw at a homeless man on the way here. It is
a very nice phone, there can be no doubt, but the haze has cleared from my eyes
and I can no longer tell what had me so worked up. I accidentally step in
elephant poop, which confirms that I did not hallucinate the elephants.
Anxiety wells up inside me. I
felt whole for fifteen precious seconds, and now I am empty again. I
immediately log on to Twitter to register my distress and begin speculating
about the iPhone 5S.
No doubt, this time it will truly
be the phone that I have waited my whole life to be disappointed by.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Chicken or fish? Sleep or sex? Honey Boo Boo or a shotgun in
your mouth? We all face difficult choices in life. There’s no shame in locking
yourself in the closet with a blanket and crying it out, and always remember
that there’s no way you could possibly disappoint your father more.
Your lucky topless celebrity is Jack Nicholson.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You are about to be very disappointed.
Your lucky topless celebrity is Ryan Gosling. Here he is
naked on the set of The Notebook, whispering your name in a voice only you can
hear:
(File Not Found)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Mercury owes Jupiter a lot of money and if it doesn’t come
up with the money by next Friday Jupiter is going to tie asteroids to its feet
and throw it down that black hole growing just behind Mars. This will make your
famous Gemini temper flare up faster than you’re expecting, but it will provide
ample opportunity to study the effects of organized crime in Orion-Cygnus arm
solar systems.
Your topless celebrity is Taylor Lautner, but I think we’ve
seen enough of him with his shirt off so… pass…
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
The most frightening thing about being pulled over by the
police is that you have absolutely no way to tell if they know you’ve got 150
pounds of pure black market maple syrup in the back of the car. Uncut Canadian
Gold, so thick that if you put it in a jacket and named it Dudley Do-Right, it
would arrest Snidely Whiplash. Maximum sentence for possession of stolen
condiments is 5 years under Section 4A of the 2007 Canadian Toppings Act, so
reach for the gun slowly if you ain’t going back in.
(Topless photos of Jennifer Aniston removed for space
constraints, lawsuit.)
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Hello, I’m Alan Robertson and I’m here today to tell you
about an amazing new product called the “Zifter”. Developed and tested overseas
by subcontractors working for the GloboCom Consulting Solutions firm and their
partners, the Zifter is a revolutionary new way to clean your house without all
the messy immigration brouhaha that comes with hiring a maid. With its
Patent-Pending design and efficient Latvian engineering, you’ll only have to
replace the Plutonium core every 50,000 miles and the first one is included,
absolutely free of charge for just 9 easy payments of $399.99 or one major
organ. Call in the next 15 minutes and we’ll throw in an E-Z-CARE™ ZIFTER SPRAY
NOZZLE and one disposable bottle of cleaning solution (WARNING: May be Acid)
ABSOLUTELY FREE. That’s over $12 in value! WOW!
-The preceding was a paid advertisement from the Coalition
of Voters To Elect Mitt Romney
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
(Fonzie Moves In) - Tonight on Happy Days, Howard gets an
unexpected guest when he rents out the room above his garage to make ends meet.
This episode marks the first use of the phrase “Sit on it”, a milestone and
mainstay in American popular culture until Joey Tribbiani popularized “How you
doin?” during the mid-to-late 90s. (Original Airdate: Sept. 9th,
1975; TV-G, 22-24 min)
-
The preceding was a paid advertisement from the
Coalition of Voters to Elect Mitt Romney
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
In response to your angry letters demanding that City Hall
do something about the wind in Lethbridge, they are planning to park some sort
of heavy equipment on your front lawn and leave it for a few weeks. So maybe
that whole campaign was a write-off, but this time nobody got set on fire so in
a way it’s a win for everyone.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
The idea is simple, but I need you to get me a lawyer
because I’m just a sentient newspaper: Instead of ‘Word of the Day’ toilet
paper, each square on the roll is a page of a book. I know what you’re
thinking- “Ugh, reading.”- and I can assure you we will also develop a line of
Photograph of the Day TP, because your butt deserves to be exposed to classic
literature and gorgeous artwork too.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
One of your shipments isn’t going to make it, but I’ve
already got a plan: Burt Reynolds has to get an order of maple syrup and Molson
Canadian from Winnipeg to Toronto in under 28 hours with nothing but a jaunty
soundtrack and a Trans Am. Consider it done.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
I think this came up around this time last year, but don’t
bother buying any Halloween candy until we’re a little closer to the 31st because
you and I both know if you do I will invite myself over to eat it for you. Even
if we’ve never met, yes.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
I’d wager half the people reading this right now have farted
in an elevator only to have somebody get in moments later, and the other half
were probably the person who just got on. Consider it an ice breaker!
Compliment the bouquet and intensity of the fart if you like, and do not make
direct eye contact when they leave.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Spend the weekend preparing audition tapes for every reality
TV show you can possibly think of, because it actually sounds like a sweet gig.
You get to spend months and months pretending to squabble with the other actors
before beelining for the catering table to eat several hundred dollars worth of
what is generously referred to as ‘food’ before fistfighting a coked-out intern
set up by a producer. Make sure that intern BLEEDS, because this is reality tv,
and they like it RAW.
Birthday
Your best bet is to marry rich, because statistically
speaking you’re not but you could be.
Your lucky topless celebrity is, of course, Kate Middleton:
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