Shine on, you crazy diamonds!
Meaty Goodness
XL Foods, a front business for international pharmaceutical
conglomerate and global bioweapons merchant Pills Inc. has released a statement
detailing the company’s assessment of the recent recall issued for beef
allegedly contaminated with E. coli. The surprisingly frank release discusses
the existence of a massive biological warfare facility beneath Brooks, which
mistakenly sent a sample of the highly contagious “Jim’s Awesome Zombie Virus,
X9 Strain, Attempt 338 (Working Title)” in a case of Flavour Enhancers bound
for the XL Foods Killing Floor. The company acknowledges that it has “some
opportunities” when it comes to not accidentally wiping out mankind, but has
promised that at the very least next time this happens the virus will actually
zombify you instead of just killing you outright.
Bridge (Drive) To
Nowhere
After just over a year of secretive work and late-night
explosions, the City of Lethbridge has re-opened Bridge Dr. West on-time and
under-budget. Considered an achievement in a city where fixing a pothole costs
several million dollars in mob contracts and work progresses at a pace akin to
a glacier advancing*, the Bridge Drive project has nonetheless managed to draw
criticism from the city that never stops complaining. Among the grievances
being aired are the newly lowered speed limit (down to 60 from 80) and the lack
of boost pads, item boxes, and branching paths- all planned for during the
budgeting phase. Residents have been asked not to shoot at the photo radar box
if they see it along Bridge Drive, with city officials warning that if it
continues to happen they may consider giving the robot the ability to shoot
back.
Brace Yourselves,
Winter is Coming
Well, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when
movie studios release their Oscar bids, and good television shows return to the
air to save us from reruns of last season. The leaves fall from the trees, it
gets cold, and you’ve paid your way out of debt from last Christmas just in time
to start worrying about this Christmas. Roads get icy and people look at you
funny when you go out in shorts that say ‘Juicy’ on the butt. Here are a few
tips for making the adjustment to Winter, physically and mentally:
1)
It’s time to put the Ice Scraper back in the
car. Failure to do so will result in you using a credit card to chip eyeholes
into the ice on your windshield at 11:30pm in a Walmart parking lot.
2)
If you have litigious neighbours, be ready to
shovel your walk and cake it in chemicals. Document every step for the
inevitable trip to small claims court. Don’t wait for first snow to go buy a
snow blower if your old drinking injury precludes you from using the shovel,
wuss.
3)
Winter tires are your best friend if traction is
something you value in a driving experience. For those of us who grew up on
arcade-style driving games, a less grippy tire will provide you with the
sickest powerslides for your dollar(s).
4)
Start crushing up generic antidepressants and
mixing them into your drink to help you deal with being cooped up inside all
the time. And some vitamin D, you don’t need Rickets.
*Glaciers were these bodies of ice, ice, baby that used to
cover the planet during the Ice Age movies. While they’ve long since receded
into oblivion like Earth’s frigid hairline, at one point it was not unheard of
for them to actually move forward,
albeit very slowly. At a glacial pace, one might say. We’re through the looking glass here people.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
The term “Ding-a-ling” was scandalous at one point in
everybody’s life. For some people, it still is. These people are called
Mormons, and they’ve got this book they think you ought to read. Think Game of
Thrones, but with less fornication and more angels. Also, don’t accept a
beverage from anybody you suspect might be trying to off you. It’s probably
poison.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
You’d be more dedicated to your job if your job wasn’t such
a job- you know, the kind of thing that you wouldn’t do if they paid you any
less than they do to do it. While you’ll always have the option to simply burn
the place down, taking the diplomatic approach and simply screaming profanity
before storming out works too. Things might get worse before they get better,
but in the end you’ll be happier for it and you can always go back to finish
what you started RE: burning down the building.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Not many people know this, but the original password for the
cave in the story ‘Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves’ wasn’t actually “Open Sesame”
at first. Initially it was simply “Password”, but the cave got hacked and they
changed it to “Password1” and later “123456asdf”, before settling on the
now-iconic magic phrase.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
I once met a woman who was retired. She passed the time
after her husband died by going to drug stores and making young people feel self-conscious
about looking at condoms. When your parents told you that you would change
peoples’ lives when you grew up, this isn’t what they meant. You can do better
than this.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Take a look on the bright side next week, because optimism
is all you’ll have to fuel you through some dark times. You didn’t like living
there anyways. You didn’t use that leg for much anyways. You loved your
significant other, but you can move on. They say “Incurable Disease” like they
think they can’t cure your disease. See? The glass is half full (of Barium, now
drink up and let’s see what’s up with those intestines).
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
So, how are you enjoying University so far? I’m glad you’re
enjoying it, but I wouldn’t say that Chemistry is really your strong suit- you
were born a couple months too late for that. You still have time to withdraw
from the courses and embrace your deep, passionate love for General Studies.
I CAN’T REMEMBER THIS ONE’S NAME (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Everybody knows that, uh, Vargitorrios- or whatever your
thing is- are exceptionally loyal friends and companions. I read all about you
in Astology for Dummies, if only I could remember more than a few bits and
pieces! You are a friend to the animals, and you have the power to control them
with your mind if I am remembering this right. Test it on something that won’t
eat you first though, I’d hate to be linked to yet another suspicious death
like some kind of negligent criminal dispensing bad advice like bullets.
PARCELSUS (Oct. 22-Oct. 23)
The pursuit of knowledge should be held before all other
achievements by mankind and his mutant cloned offspring. Use that famous
Parcelsusian intellect to answer the most age-old of our questions: What WOULD
Jesus do? Is McDonalds’ Secret Sauce really just Thousand Island Dressing and
Ketchup? What happens if somebody observes a tree falling in the forest without
making a sound?
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Take back the neighbourhood: identify the vehicles of area
teenagers and pre-emptively egg them as a warning to those who would sully your
new siding with goo come Halloween night. Better yet, contract out each teen’s
car to another teen and let the rest take care of itself- it’s fool-proof, as
long as they don’t talk amongst themselves and discover you’re the common link.
But really, today’s teens? You’re fine.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
They say that an infinite number of monkeys working for an infinite
amount of time on typewriters would eventually write any given work of
literature completely by accident. While not entirely accurate, this is
actually how all of these horoscopes are written and so far the monkeys have
turned out to be surprisinglu fgbncmpa
fe22222222++++++abvfaipemapchbb23$$$nnnnnmniklmjionvbamana
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
It’s amazing how quickly the Internet can eat your day. No
matter how much you have to do and how little time you have left to do it in,
there is always an opportunity to sneak in six or seven hours of Facebook. Play
it right, and I bet you could Facebook through your own wedding and ‘Like’
photos in real time.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Those fools spent an entire summer watering their lawns and
maintaining their yards, just to have them all buried in snow during the first
days of winter. Under a blanket of crystalline ice-water, nobody can tell which
of you spent hundreds of dollars on Miracle Gro and which of you spent that
money on Super Soakers and Laffy Taffy.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You’re lucky that Aries is headstrong because they’re going
to drink your poison. Too bad the Virgo you bought it from wasn’t born under
the secret Zodiac sign, Parcelsus the Toxicologist.
Birthday
Birthday parties are vastly overrated as far as I’m
concerned. Be a trendsetter and throw a Birthday Rave, complete with police
raid, illegal fireworks, and overdosing first-timers. That’s how you do a
birthday in the Project X generation!
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