They call me Tater Salad…
Schnurrbart Means
‘Moustache’
Does anybody else find it weird that we celebrate moustaches
the same month we honor the sacrifice of soldiers that died in, among others, a
war to stop the angriest moustache German engineering could build? No, not
Hitler- I’m referring of course to the events of 1996 when an experimental ‘Schnurrbot’,
broke out of a Volkswagen testing facility with a nuclear warhead and two dozen
hostages. Although a team of US Marines killed it when it attacked New York,
the world has never been the same.
Presidential
Discourse
Recently re-elected US President Barack Obama held an
impromptu Ask Me Anything on popular timesuck Reddit late last week, fielding a
large number of questions from the site’s users on a wide range of topics.
Below is a selection of highlights from the President’s AMA.
(Editor’s Note- The questions have been translated from ‘Internet
English’ to ‘Real, intelligible words’ by a team of insane college students for
your convenience.)
1) Hey, big fan of your last term, just
wondering if you might be able to tell us when you intend to unveil your plan
to save the US economy from the so-called ‘Fiscal Cliff’? Also, who’s on your
iPod right now? – RapidMonkees54
Well now, I’ve got to be honest with you, Joe [Biden] and I hammered out
the whole thing at about 3am in a tiny little diner in Ohio. The problem is, we
forgot it when we left and that’s why we kept going back- we were trying to
find the diner again. I’m actually going to need everybody in Ohio to stop for
a second and check the nearest restaurant, because all we’ve found so far is a
map to the Lost City of Cleveland and Romney’s tax plan (also on a napkin).
It’s a crayon drawing of himself wearing a crown and a sash that says “#1
President”.
As for music, right now I’m bumping the new Kendrick Lamar record, and Biden’s
been making Springsteen play for him every night since the election. I got Bill
[Clinton] hooked on dubstep and Hillary was so mad she pushed me into a ditch
(also in Ohio).
2) How awkward was Romney’s phone call on
election night? – xX_anger_man_Xx
He hung up every time we
answered, until we gave up and sent him to voicemail. It was 10 minutes of
silence followed by a sullen “Fine” and a gunshot. I feel really bad for him,
you know? The guy really, REALLY wanted to be President, and that’s a hard
dream to let go of when you’ve been campaigning for 20 years. I don’t know who
or what got shot, by the way, but nobody’s seen his campaign manager in a while
and I’m not about to ask questions.
3) What are your thoughts on Donald Trump’s
‘evidence’ announcement and subsequent public meltdown? – KingOfYourMom
At one point, the Republican Party was talking about running him as their
candidate. I wish that they had; he’d be broke and I’d still be president. Part
of my plan to tax the wealthy includes a clause that increases the burden on
obnoxious rich orange people with cheap toupees and more golf courses than
brain cells.
4) How do you relieve stress after a hard day
at work? – JackNJillNJillsFriendSam
Visit Colorado or Washington.
Alright fine, I also play Call of Duty with a couple of secret service
guys- not to make you jealous but I’ve had Black Ops II since September.
Michelle wants me to see the last ‘Twilight’ movie with her and the girls, but
I told her not until she lets me try that thing we read about in ’50 Shades of
Grey’.
5) Care to comment on the Petraeus scandal at
all? – Bowchickawow69
For
a nation of adulterous porn fiends, Americans are weirdly prudish about sex and
surprisingly eager to cast the first stone. He should’ve used more discretion,
but I think that as a nation and as a planet we have more pressing concerns
than flirtatious emails and high school bullshit. Let’s save the economy and
the environment first, then we can watch Surge of Love with David Petraeus on
CNN.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
So in Call of Duty Black Ops II’s Zombies mode, there’s
gotta be a guy who goes around and refills all the Perk-A-Cola machines right?
These machines are everywhere so they’re obviously making money. Somebody must
be collecting all those points and putting in more bottles. Do they have to
fight Zombies while they do it? Are they well-paid for what they do? Are the
families compensated when a loved one isn’t revived in time, or do they
respawn? Since you saw Wreck-It Ralph, no video game has ever been the same.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Christmas chocolates are out, and while your pancreas is
still mad at you for Halloween you won’t be able to resist. If you stock up and
ration it out carefully, you should be able to make it to Valentine’s Day.
Speaking of sweet treats, I hear Hostess is going bankrupt so if you want to
eat a Twinkie ever again it’s probably already too late.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Gemini are terrible procrastinators, so we can safely assume
you’re not going to buy Christmas gifts until the very last minute and begin
planning from there. You could go the easy route and just give everybody a
prepaid credit card, by why not make it more personal and buy them something
they really want? Like carbon offsets for their SUV, or a subscription to TV
Guide?
SAMSUNG (June 21-July 22) **SPONSORED HOROSCOPE**
The world’s most popular phablet just got a whole lot more
popular! Introducing the Galaxy Note II, the only phone so large it’s legally
classified as a weapon. Running Android 4.1.0.0.1 (Rice Krispy Square), the
Note II also comes equipped with a little stylus because we had a warehouse
full of pens and nowhere else to get rid of them. All your friends will point
and ask “Does carrying that thing give you back problems?”
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Poor fashion decisions could cripple your upward mobility at
work and in your social group, but you can avert disaster by burning your old
clothes on the front lawn. The neighbours may complain about the smoke and the
smell, but when they see you will no longer be wearing plaid all the time they
will forgive you. Just don’t go overboard with how much you burn because take
it from me, nobody likes a nudist.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Charity is the most underrated virtue. Show your dedication
to the spirit of giving this year by stripping yourself of your worldly
possessions and travelling the world as an impoverished monk. You may not enjoy
it while you’re alive, but in a few hundred years they’ll almost certainly make
you a saint and name a church after you.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
While you have some group work to get done for work and/or
school, avoid having it at your house if you can. At least one member of your
group is a kleptomaniac who will steal hand soap and a roll of toilet paper
from the bathroom, and the rest are looking for an excuse to judge you. That
being said, their houses probably aren’t any better *cough*crack den*cough*
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
If you walk around for long enough in this town it’s only a
matter of time before you have a vaguely uncomfortable run-in with an old acquaintance.
Don’t lie and say you don’t have Facebook either, unless you’ve already blocked
them or they don’t know your real name. Otherwise, they’ll find out, they
always do.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You’re going to come across a number of opportunities to
make a little extra money on the side this week, if you’re willing to get your
hands dirty. The Montenegro Soap Company is looking for people with messy hands
to help test a new fast-action skin detergent that’s tough on stains and no
longer eats the first three layers of skin and muscle right off the bone.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You’re feeling sexy and confident as of late, and the world
is your oyster. Since sometimes it feels like you’re never more than a couple
of days away from life knocking you down a peg, take ruthless advantage of your
newfound swagger while you’ve got it. Later, when you’re in sweatpants eating a
Frosty watching Duck Dynasty, you can reminisce on that glorious week of
self-esteem and smile.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Everybody knows that Aquariuses (Aquarii?) get their best
work done on the toilet. Invest in productivity tools to maximize your
downtime, and avoid the temptation to just sit there and play Cut the Rope for
20 minutes while your roommate or child begs you to let them in to pee. If
their bladder ruptures, legally they might have grounds for charging you with
criminal negligence.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You should sleep more, because it’s really starting to take
a toll on your mood and physical appearance. Seriously, you look like a Tim
Burton character- all pale with massive bags under your eyes. Maybe you should
seek medical attention.
Birthday Baby
All the presents you really want this year are super-expensive
and hardly practical. Instead of settling for subpar ‘thoughtful’ gifts for
your birthday, demand cash up front and splurge guilt-free on a TV too large to
fit through your front door. Also, walk around blasting the Game of Thrones
theme on the day of, just so everybody knows who the center of attention should
be.
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