There is nothing wrong with your television set, do not
attempt to adjust the picture- WE are controlling transmission.
As I write this, I am attempting to keep my internal organs
from completely gooifying and I can’t even keep water down. I apologize if this
takes a turn at Stafford and Bananas when the medicine kicks in and I forget
who I am for two hours. Turns out the stomach flu isn’t covered by the ‘Flu’
shot. GASTROENTERITIS, my one weakness!
A Catholic School in southern Ottawa has drawn the ire of
students with a new policy that would suspend girls caught wearing yoga pants
such as Lululemons without a ‘long shirt’. Girls at the school protested the
move, saying “How else are we supposed to, like, let boys examine every single
inch of our butts to determine who is the hottest?” The school has imposed its
modest will upon the students’ wardrobe before, banning jeans both skinny and
ripped, as well as leggings. “I’m running out of things to show off my goods,”
said one girl, “I don’t think the bible says anything about tight, curvy pants
that look great unless a fat girl wears them, which they should like totally
ban!” When asked if any of them used their pants as part of actual yoga, the
girls replied “Why would we wear specific pants just to eat Yogurt?”
The famous Lethbridge wind, second most insanely irritating
wind behind Chicago, stirred up trouble recently when a number of small blazes
quickly spiraled out of control and threatened to engulf all of Southern
Alberta. Firefighters fought valiantly to control the fires and succeeded
despite Mother Nature’s best efforts to muck the whole situation up. Fire Chief
Brian Cornforth chided social media such as Twitter and Facebook for “spreading
misinformation” and hashtagged his tweets with #dirtbags for the remainder of
the week.
Police are warning residents to beware that a Grinch has
been spotted just west of Red Deer, and they are advising everyone to keep
their Christmas safely inside and to barricade all doors and entryways. Police
spokesperson Christian Kringle explains: “Grinches are known to have hearts
between two and five sizes too small, and leave their burrows only near the
holidays to steal Christmas from innocent Whos.” The only Grinch ever caught
was found in Laredo, Texas following a shoot-out with David M. Cooper and his
four sons. Cooper believes they were successful because they “Caught the bugger
while he was talking to Cindy Lou Who of the Dallas Whos and he didn’t hear
[them] coming”
HOROSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You will be flipping through channels and get stuck on The
Food Network for seven hours. It’s going to take a lot of willpower to avoid
the nigh-inevitable weight gain that hits everybody immediately after they
discover how good food can be.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
There is a high chance that you will forget to watch the
decimal and tip your server $125 on a $65 bill, you nearly-cheap-but-now-broke
crazy person. Karma will reward you when your server ‘accidentally’ brings you
several plates of food next time you’re there.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
Going cheap on your Christmas presents now will only hurt
you later on. People have long memories and many of them have access to
flesh-eating piranhas.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Save yourself the denial and just admit that no matter how
much you protest, your mother is going to talk you into giving her pet a
present from “Santa Paws”. Families are weird.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
As long as you clear it with Canada Post, nobody is going to
object when you use your garden hose to create a massive slip-and-slide out of
ice on your front steps. Who said going to work in the morning had to be
boring?
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will continue the ancient family tradition of spiking
the eggnog and getting Grandma good and sauced on Christmas Eve. You might get
lots of hugs, or she may cut you a bigger check because of your good cheer- you
can’t lose!
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You will be struck down by the most vicious cold known to
mankind. To keep up at work you’re either going to have to master telepathy or
buy a sealed Bubble and roll to the office.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Stress at home will lead to an altercation with your best
friend when he tells you that he thinks Joey is the best Friend. Don’t hit him,
everybody else knows the best Friend is Chandler and your friend is just
misguided.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Winter tires are for people who need traction. You don’t
know it, but you’re one of those people, and the insurance company is going to
spend a lot of time explaining that to you in short order.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
As a Capricorn, your first instinct will be to grab the
attention of everyone in the room. Telling the story about the time you and the
groom both tried to pick up the bride at the bar after they were already
engaged will not go over as well with everyone as you think.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your significant other will forget about your anniversary
because they got distracted by the Food Network, but the improved dinners they
serve will probably soften the sting a little. Embrace change! No matter who
you are, you’re going to get bigger boobs from this.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
The second you buy your new phone, a new one will come out
and make your $750 beauty look like common garbage. This has been the way of
the world since the dawn of time, and it will be until Rodeo Clowns take over
the universe and replace cell phones with some sort of tin can/string ensemble.
Birthday Baby
Your parents listened to metal music during pregnancy, and
thanks to them you will have luxurious headbanging hair as well as a talent for
excessively crazy guitar solos.
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