Ho ho ho!
May your Christmas be Merry, your Hanukkah be Happy, and
your Kwanzaa be Joyous! At least until the good people from Visa and Mastercard
send guys to your house to break your kneecaps because you haven’t paid up in
seven or eight months, you deadbeat.
Top American Defense Officials are warning Santa to steer
clear this Christmas, wary that his apparent disregard for international
boundaries could leave the US open to attack. “Who is this so-called ‘Santa
Claus’?” asked one such official, “He’s not an American national, he doesn’t
have a passport, and to my knowledge he has never allowed federal inspectors to
check his cargo for threats of any kind.” Several Senators have proposed
‘Santa’s Law’, which would force the holiday icon to comply with a growing list
of violations or risk retaliation from US fighter jets when he crosses
illegally into the country. “How much cocaine do you think he can fit into that
enormous sleigh of his?” said the official, “How many immigrants? How many
nuclear or chemical weapons? Our message to Santa must be clear: If you have
nothing to hide, we will be more than happy to work with you.”
Experts say that retailers are becoming desperate as they
march towards a slightly-less profitable Christmas than originally anticipated.
Smaller outlets have been hit the hardest so far, with cash-strapped Canadians
looking to keep spending in check amidst international financial woe. “People
are taking a hard look at their debt load and saying ‘Does my 6-year old really
need a new iPad?’” says Shopaholic Institute’s director Stockard Shelves, “Well
of course they do! The old one isn’t as shiny anymore! But Canadians are opting
to save money instead of using it to buy stuff.” This Buy-Hard attitude, says
Shelves, is hurting bottom lines. “An executive that didn’t post growth over
last year is a failure, plain and simple- in business there is only one goal,
and that goal is progress. How can they face their family, knowing they let
their business slip 5% over Christmas in the face of economic uncertainty and
international turmoil?” One executive spoke to us on the condition of
anonymity: “I don’t understand,” he said, “We used all the advertising words we
were supposed to, like Family and Togetherness, but we’re only on track to make
a couple million this quarter! It’s a bloodbath in the markets right now.”
HOROSCOPES
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You won’t get what you want for Christmas, because you asked
for a Jetpack and Santa’s R&D haven’t managed to design one that doesn’t
horribly burn everyone within the “Xtra-Crispy Radius”. There’s always next
year!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
2012 is (allegedly) the final year on Earth for mankind, and
there’s still so much you haven’t done. Take a trip to somewhere exotic, meet
lots of new people, get tangled up in a hostage situation between the corrupt
military junta and cash-strapped drug lords!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
If we don’t get a white Christmas this year, cover your
front yard with shaved coconut. Be sure to clean it all up on Boxing Day though
because if you don’t… well, that’s how you get ants. I don’t mean those little
ants either, think ‘Rhinoceros with more legs and an attitude’.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Invest a little time in finding out what everybody is
planning to do for Secret Santa at work to make sure you don’t accidentally go
cheap- it might also help to find out who you’re supposed to buy the gift for
too. Giving your recovering-alcoholic boss a bottle of Crown Royal right before
inventory is why you posted quarterly losses for two years.
LEO (July 23-Aug 22)
Acceptable Behavior at your Christmas Party: Having some
drinks, dancing on top of a table, making out with your significant other in
the bathroom.
Unacceptable Behavior: Having all the drinks, dancing on top
of the DJ, making out with your supervisor’s significant other during dinner.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Freak out somebody who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus and
slip something from the jolly old fat guy under their tree. Bonus points for
picking a gift that is either exactly what they wanted or wildly off the mark.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Pack riot gear for Boxing Day, Canada is playing Finland in
the World Junior Hockey Championship at 1:30pm and if we learned anything from
Vancouver it’s that nobody loots better than agitated Canadians.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
On your way home from shopping on Boxing Day, dig those 3D
glasses out of your new TV and yell “IT’S LIKE THEY’RE COMING RIGHT AT ME”
while driving through oncoming traffic. The police will be so amused they’ll
only use excessive force when they apprehend you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Giving the religious person in your life a Christmas present
from “Satan” instead of “Santa” would seem like a humorous gesture, until they
jump you with an enormous Bible and try to beat the demons out of your
forehead. I know what you’re thinking, and no, that cross imprint isn’t going
to come off for a bit.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19)
After what you did, I don’t think you deserve a Christmas.
Go to your room.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Next time you decide to give a live animal as a gift,
remember what you learned: A) Always consult the parents who will end up taking
care of it first, and B) Cut air holes, ALWAYS CUT AIR HOLES.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You may think you’ve crossed everybody off your shopping
list, but check it twice. Forgot your mom for the second year in a row, didn’t
you? THAT’S RIGHT. You’re welcome.
Birthday Baby
Get used to this: “Boy, being born so close to Christmas
must suck! Do you only get one set of presents?”
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